[LSVIXEN] Politics Guide: Coleman Fund Gala Donors Ranked by Susness

[Al-Malikah]

 

 

 

 

A Vixen's Guide to LS Politics

Show me the Money!

 

 

 

Hey babes, today on the blog we'll be talking about The Coleman Fund a little. For those of you who don't know, the Deputy Mayor Frederick Coleman decided to start a fund dedicated to helping marginalized people and those who have been neglected by the actual government he Deputy Mayors over. Now, I'm a shady lady, sunshines, but I'm not so shady that I'll look a gift horse in the mouth. I think we can all agree that funding the underfunded parts of the city is objectively a good thing. however, with the way this charity manages to connect and link the major power players in the city? That is too tasty to ignore, baby-dolls!

 

When extremely wealthy people give to a charity run by someone invested with major political power, they are making themselves known to them. They begin to foster feelings of mutual goodwill between them. They get an acknowledgement and a sense of respect in return. All acts of giving provide a kick-back of feel-good PR and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but my job as the LS Vixen is to poke around the people who are currying favor with our Deputy Mayor and sniffing out where they got their millions and what else do they get out of it?

 

 

 

Politics Guide: Coleman Fund Gala Donors Ranked by Susness

 

#4: Andrew Brandenburg - $1,000,000

 

(Andy Brandy back in the Vix!)

 

Bottoming out at number four is Andrew Brandenburg whose donation to the Coleman Fund while substantial is the least sus of all. Andy Brandy is a State Senator and has made past donations to Davis High and other causes. He likes to hold press releases to gain delicious, delicious clout from his very high dollar donations, but honestly babes, if being an attention whore is shady then you can call my ass an Oak Tree with the amount of shade I generate on a daily basis. 

At best, this is a genuine act of touching altruism and, at worst, it's him simply supporting his own prominent party member's extra-curricular activities. I did my digging and didn't really find anything to suggest weird vibes or quid pro quo energy leaking from this. The most uncharitable view I could see this donation in is that with both a fully fledged State Senator and the Deputy Mayor making efforts outside of government to throw money at problems the government is not fixing, it simply raises the question of why these issues could not be addressed using the tax money we already provide them and accomplish these fantastic initiatives during their work hours. But I'm sure we'll get a fucking parade of excuses during election season so we'll sit on our thumbs till then!

 

Moving on!

 

#3: Edward Ulf - $1,000,000

(A broken man surrounded by cozy servers. Aww.)

 

Here we have the wild Edward Ulf in his natural habitat which consists of a mess of desert-bound server rooms and online comment sections that he simply cannot pry himself from.

 

Former Senator Ulf was a Democratic State Senator for a period of time and the grapevine generously informed me that he was a genuine change agent and an idealist desiring to right the wrongs of this city, one piece of legislation at a time. Unfortunately the interaction with the realities of Los Santos politics left him a broken and bitter man. The sour end of the grapevine also spoke in hushed whispers of a crypto-farm slash IT Company whose day-to-day operations were run in some capacity by an eighteen-year old lover and would send young employees making only commission into dangerous neighborhoods unguarded.  

 

Lovers and computers aside, those things just simply add an air of sus, but are at their core nothing terribly substantial. His donation to the fund could well have likely been an act of altruism consistent with his past as an idealist. What is curious is the deep faith he is putting into members of the opposing party to use that money appropriately and fairly. Either Edward Ulf has come a long way since the days of battling with the likes of the ill-mannered and tacky Raul Munoz or he's making nice with some new friends and cozying up for a potential grand re-entrance to the scene. Time will tell all.
 

#2: Lucien Berjouhie - $3,000,000

 

(Lucien resting upon more money than any human could require)

 

Lucien, oh, Lucien. Where do we begin? Lucien Berjouhie is a rather bearded Eastern-European businessman who scraped up from the smaller communities and built a gambling empire under Euro Corp. Frankly, this guy is as private as you'd actually expect the insanely wealthy to be up until this donation. There's a couple of angles we can examine here. First and foremost, the gambling angle. The gambling laws on the books haven't really been enforced by the government so it's not like he and his business are suffering deeply, but the structure does technically exist so that it could be enforced in the future. By dishing a substantial sum to the Deputy Mayor's pet project, he puts his name and interest in the mind of all the charming, wealthy, and powerful guests who hold political power and who might hold political power in the future. This could lower chances of those laws ever being put into effect or even inspire some legislators to weaken or dismantle them altogether. 

 

But let's say that's not the angle. Well, Euro Corp also does some construction work. When the Coleman Fund requires some contractors to build ping-pong game rooms over the ruins of demolished mosques, I'm going to be watching who they call on for that kind of work. If it's Euro Corp, there's a good shot our charming friend Lucien will receive his money back and then some. 

Finally, I'd be remiss not to add into the susness the fact that the Diamond Casino which is in part run by Lucien is rumoured to have some general involvement with some players in the criminal underworld. Of course these are just rumours and as I very much enjoy not being stuffed into a barrel and dropped in the ocean,  I'll leave that there and we'll move onwards!

 

 

#1: MINOTAUR - Thiago Athanas & Vaughn Karagiannis - $3,000,000

 

(Thiago Athanas prepares a fine meal at Minotaur; Vaughn Karagiannis pondering existence.)

 

The entire reason this list exists is because the luxury restaurant Minotaur run by Thiago "Tavros" Athanas and whose money is managed by Vaughn Karagiannis was the first big money donor to the Coleman Fund and presented some... let's say... curiosities. 

Thiago went on a cozy mountain-top hike with Tamara Sage, the Director of Health and Human Services, and Frederick Coleman a couple of months ago. The hike was solid enough for him to come down the mountain with a million dollar check in hand for a charity that had a total of $145,000 bucks in the bank at the time. But hey, charity pitches have happened in weirder places, who am I to judge? Well, when the money is coming from a restaurant that has never opened, it makes a girl curious.

I review dining establishments, darlings, so when I saw that the major donor was a restaurant that I nor anyone I know has ever eaten at, I grew curious and hungry! So I went to the website and found they are only open on Wednesdays and that Reservations are Closed. I continued to ask around if anyone had eaten there and all I received were blank stares. I bit the bullet and asked Thiago flat out and he confirmed the restaurant hasn't opened yet. 

 

So how does a restaurant with zero dollars in revenue make enough to donate $3,000,000 dollars? The answer is they don't. It was confirmed by both men that they were just filtering their personal funds through the restaurant. On the more optimistic side of the equation, I'd say they're angling for good advertising for their new restaurant. Given the money shuffle, I grew curious on where these men's personal fortunes came from and why the routing number dance.

 

I asked Mr. Athanas if he'd explain a little on how his past work as a fusion restaurant chef and caterer earned him such a magnificent fortune. At first he indicated he'd rather not have the discussion via Face Browser chat (which is entirely fair). When I asked if he'd like to schedule an in person meeting he flat out said that unless I was an IRS Agent, it wasn't happening. Alas and alack, dear readers, I am not a member of the IRS (I do have a soul somewhere in this body of mine) and so my hunt had to end there. His finances linger as a dark forest for us to look at and simply wonder. 

Vaughn was far more transparent, indicating a series of ventures that culminated in lording over a nightclub. I think it's fair to say it's more or less clear where his contributions came from. We can cast a small side glance noting that Nightclubs and criminality aren't two mutually exclusive concepts in our city, however it would be uncharitable to forge that link in iron with Mr. Karagiannis at this time. 

 

Despite the money shuffle, I'm still technically still excited to try their food, provided this article doesn't earn me a perma-ban. Fingers crossed, babes.

 

 

Honorable Mentions

 

Josély María Rosélis Martínez - $25,000 

 

(The former First Lady of Los Santos gazes lovingly at her best friends.)

 

This honorable mention goes to Josély for hosting the event at her country club known as the GWC (short for Great Wealthy Circlejerk). She managed to host an event that on the surface focused on charitable works but served in large part to charitably brand her as Los Santos' own Mother-Theresa-in-Louboutins all without her ever having to actually interact with a poor person. You have to admire the finesse, babes!

 

I'll also add that her Fundraiser was the key to the Coleman Fund being now at over 10 million in the green. If you ask me the Deputy Mayor and perhaps even the Republican Party could be seen as owing her a strong debt of gratitude. I'll be watching to see how she cashes that in. 

 

 

Gabe Stone & LSI - $250,000

 

(Gabe without the comfort blanket that is his bullet proof vest.)

 

Look, I could goof on Gabe for wearing bulletproof vests to Church Bake Sales or I could just point at the big glaring issue. The Los Santos Insider attended the rich people circle jerk to cover the story of the Gala. Gabe even wrote an article about it that you can find using your own internet skills. The problem is Gabe and LSI decided to then financially involve themselves with the charity and thus placed themselves into this story. When people donate to a charity, as you can see above, their reputations become linked to the reputation of the charity. 

Now you might think, "But Vixen, surely this donation will not change the way they cover Coleman Fund related news stories?"

 

Babe, it already has.

 

Nowhere in their gala article where they spoke of its many donors did Gabe disclose his own and LSI's own financial link. We're not asking him to disclose whether or not he's tried to apply for membership at GWC and utterly failed. While that would explain some incentive to breach journalistic objectivity in order to impress a room full of people who decreed him 'not wealthy enough', it's ultimately beside the point. This honorable mention simply and concisely calls for transparency in media reporting and asks him to provide readers a clear understanding of vested interests. Easy peas.

 

 

All in All

 

 

Phew. That was a doozy, darlings. I am so glad you read this far. It makes me proud to have such a kind and easy-going audience. Even those I write about have been surprisingly great sports about me calling them douchebags or laughing at them for this and that. I really do want to thank every person who goes into making these articles possible. From my many informants, to my tried and true friends. and last but certainly not least, to those I write about, because if I didn't see their many many flaws, I would have nothing to write about.

 

With respect to the Coleman Fund, while this article did focus on its use as a mechanism for linking high powered politicians with rich folks with mysterious interests and possibly ulterior motives, I do hope the money continues to be spent where people need it most. As of the writing of this article they've spent about a million dollars with a bulk of it going to a publically funded high school. 

 

My only worry is that throwing money at problems isn't necessarily the same as solving them and I want to see how these high powered politicians and private sector nerds actually leverage their power to address the root causes of poverty, of drug abuse, and of inequality. 

 

Till next time,

 

 

 

 

 DISCLAIMER

 

Spoiler

LS Vixen's (bitch ass) Disclaimer
 

The LS Vixen is a satire, parody, commentary, critique, news reporting and scholarly web publication, which may or may not use actual names often in quasi-real and/or fictitious narration. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians, celebrities and/or other personalities that are critiqued and/or commented upon, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.

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Edited December 4, 2023 by Al-Malikah
Grammar

[Uncut]

Username: C.Youssef
Comment: The best magazine in town. Accurate article and good research.

[Degu]

Username: Stone
Comment: Great read as usual Vixen. As you've asked me for clarification here, I'll be glad to provide a brief explanation that can fit into a comment. As of last Christmas I had been homeless for some years and I will openly say I was failed by the foster-care system and I am trying to give back now that I finally have the means to do so. The company and myself donated to a cause and not the man behind the cause, and will be keeping tabs as I know you will. Coleman doesn't get a free pass from journalistic investigation simply because he runs a charity and will be held accountable by LSI and I'm sure yourself as well if anything untoward happens. Keep popping out banger articles!

PS: You did me dirty on that picture.

[Andrew Brandenburg]

Username: ABrandenburg

Comment: As always, I love your pictures and they honestly make me laugh (in a good way). As for the charities, I can clarify that for you. I've always done a lot of charity, some more quiet, some more public. Sadly, your remarks hit a point that I can't deny it hurts. What I can't do from my position as Senator - be it because of stupid bureaucracy or just because some people in the higher echelons don't really want change - I try to do on a personal level. If I can't fix an issue as a politician, I'll do it as a normal person. All in all, interesting article. Congratulations!

[Waldur]

Username: CaptainBerjouhie

Comment: All true. Great article. Would donate again!

[Kraethas]

Username: NikTheGreek

Comment: Everything I've seen from you (politically), has never failed to hit the nail right on the head. Please keep writing.

 

Comment has been transcribed through my eye-tracker system while enjoying a full body cast.

[eden ღ]

Username: EricTheAlbanian

Comment: CHOP OFF FREDICKS HEAD!!!! 

[PogChamp]

Username: Tavros

Comment: I'll take first place anyday, only the IRS needs to know my financial history anyway. 😜 All I know is that good money is going to a good fund that supports the goals we want to achieve in this city.

[jromjeksin]

Username: RStein
Comment: Fake news.

[Cindy]

Username: xoCindyxo
Comment: Lucien aka "Euro" has supported my business for years, and invested in many smaller businesses that I have put forward to him, helping to support stores and other venues financially as an angel investor. 

Edited December 6, 2023 by Cindy