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  1. A Vixen's Guide to LS Politics A Man, A Plan, A Canal, PANAMA! Hey cuties! As always my goal here in these LS Vixen Politics Guides isn't to jerk off this or that member of our ruling elite, but to boil it down and make it somewhat fun and less mind-numbing to look in on. All of the opinions depicted below are entirely my own and not the opinions of LSNN as a whole and anyone telling you otherwise is a filthy fucking liar and probably shits themselves on a regular basis. Today we're going to be digging in deep on a few angles in our fucked up political system. This baby's got it all. We've got rampant incompetence, we've got politicians feigning senility and illness, we've got deep freeze pods, we've got a Shadow Senate's of unelected officials, and we've got BIPARTISAN drama, which is WAY MORE FUCKING EXCITING than the standard Red/Blue bonkfest we usually see. God it's boring when they do that. With city council elections coming up, it's super important to keep an eye on the fuckery when it happens. To give newbies to politics some idea of who the main characters in this story are before we get into it here's the run down: Politics Guide: Noah Wade's Shadow Senate Fails Vote in Actual Senate (Lieutenant Governor Noah Wade mourning the loss of his Shadow Senate) So babes, we're going deep into our political system today. All I'm gonna say is if you stick along for the ride, I'll be both impressed with you and shocked at your levels of self-masochistic glory. So you know how the Senate's whole jam is to create laws and fix shitty ones, then slap it over to the Executive Daddies to sign into effect? Well, rumour has it, Noah Wade really really really wants them to write whatever laws he wants and edit out whatever laws he doesn't vibe with. Luckily for Noah, his party has a full ass majority of 5 to 2 on the other party (Remember, Seth Andrews is basically in their squad.). So at this point in his tenure as Lieutenant Governor, Wadey thought he would have knocked out WAY more legislation, reshaping the city in his hairy image, and generally completing his vision for his capitalistic lumberjack death penalty utopia or whatever. Unluckily for Noah, he has not had such luck and it's due to one thing. The Deep Freeze. (The possible Deep Freeze Pods under the Senate Floor.) The Deep Freeze Let's say you're a boss and you have employees that have to go to a certain agreed upon place at a certain agreed upon time to do certain agreed upon tasks. Now imagine that approximately half the time they do not go to the certain agreed upon place and they certainly do not do it at the certain agreed up on times to do what the fuck they are literally paid to do. Congratulations, you are actually that fucking boss. We are the bosses for our elected officials, not the other way around and the names listed above with a fucking teal star NEVER FUCKING COME TO WORK. That said, I am an optimist. So instead of me assuming the worst, that they may be simply taking paychecks and skirting responsibility while kayaking or some shit, I am going to be reasonable and assume they are pursuing eternal life through subterranean freeze pods. I think that's entirely reasonable. Now unfortunately for Noah whenever he wants something proposed and passed, the most likely combination of dudes who come to work are two democrats and two republicans. Thus during these sessions when he needs something passed, he has to feverishly press the THAW button located under his desk over and over and over, hoping and praying one of them thaws out fast enough to make it into the room and overrule the dastardly democrats. (Rossi attempting to recover from disappointing Papa Wade.) The Shadow Senate Plan and it's Fucking Failure It turns out Senators who are currently in Deep Freeze are shit at crafting and passing legislation at a rate that's reasonable. Something involving the ice slowing cognitive function perhaps. Either way Rossi and Wade needed a solve, they needed something to streamline things. You see the actual elected Senate is supposed to draft legislation, talk to expert dorks about law, and then vote on that for Wade and Hanky-Panky to execute. They've got this whole boringly named Committee called the Committee for Judicial Review whose entire job is to basically call on nerds to give their hot take on this or that issue, this or that law, and this or that proposal and push recommendations towards the main Senate body. The problem is that committee has some of the Deep Freezers in it so while they might be able to thaw quick enough to vote things in at a Senate Floor vote sometimes, getting them to thaw for committee stuff is a real bitch. So 'Rossi's' plan was to set up a bit of a separate committee, called the Committee for Law Revision and instead of having it filled with elected officials who are supposed to represent our needs, he decided to have it filled with hand-picked un-elected appointments by Noah Wade reflecting the desires of Noah Wade. This Committee would be able to push laws towards the Senate without approval of people we actually fucking elected and then Noah Wade could just mass resurrect whichever member of the Deep Freezers he needed to ram it through to his desk. They rammed this shit through the Committee after thawing out Truman Stein long enough for him to do what his daddy wanted, but Noah Wade had to pretend to be both senile, deaf, and sick in order to stall the committee long enough for him to remove the icicles from his skin and get his ass upstairs. Noah, you are not an excellent actor. Please stick to your day job. Everyone in the room knew what you were doing. It was not subtle in the slightest. Adrian Rossi told the LS Vixen that there is no legislative agenda to this and thus implied that he is indeed just a small bean, a cute widdle guy, and had only the best intentions for trying to give Noah Wade immense power over the legislative schedule and calendar. Maybe he'll comment with some PR gloss up for us to go brain dead reading. Maybe he won't. Who knows? This isn't a Blue Versus Red jerk-fest. Garcia and Brandenburg and Jones are in bipartisan alignment that this was a fucked up tactic to invest the executive branch with waaaaaay more power than it deserves or needs. I'm not a simp for the Dems, I'm not a simp for the Reds. I'm just a blogger and a San Andrean and I find the entirety of this to be insulting. We're not fucking stupid, dickheads. I'm going to make this overwhelmingly clear. If you play little shady games in the private sector, fine. Whatever. It's behind closed doors, it's hard to see, and there's a lot more to insulate you. I don't like it but I get the tactic. Playing this type of game out in the open is deeply, and I cannot stress this enough, deeply embarrassing and shameless. Say what you need to say to make yourselves feel better about this disaster-piece of a plan, but understand that San Andreas has a long memory and so do I. I dare you to try this again when you think we've forgotten. And Noah, if you're reading. The solution here isn't to connive with Rossi to conjure up a new Committee. We don't need another fucking committee. Nobody needs another committee. The solution here is to have people elected who will actually attend to their duties. The legislative band aid isn't going to cut it. Investing yourself with more power isn't going to cut it. A law that states that Deep Freeze motherfuckers have to come to do their job or else they get a review by the ethics committee and some snap-elections for abandoning their duties? That might motivate some freeze pods to thaw real fast. --- And that's all for todays wrap up. If you're one of the sorely embarrassed parties, I encourage you to comment below your preferred spin on the story below. Remember, the more mental gymnastics you ask us to do, the more we'll laugh at you. Keep it cute, babes, XOXO DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  2. A Vixen's Guide to LS Politics Who's Next on the Chopping Block?! As election season ramps up you can expect more of these articles. I think as much as politics can be a real snooze fest, I believe in the power to make it readable, interesting and exciting using only sheer rage, shadiness, and profound psychosexual arousal gained from airing out the shadier qualities of those I write about. But I do not do this solely for my own sick gratification. No, dear readers, I do this for you. The more we know about these people, the less they are able to operate behind the scenes and the less they're able to get away with wasting our money on sky-diving stunts and helicopter sex-games. Without further ado... Politics Guide: Who the Hell Are the Party Chairmen? First things first. Let me tell you what a "Party Chairman" is, because against all odds it's not just a very literal way of referring to a drunk man sleeping in the corner at a house party. So this city has two parties and one pipedream. We have the Republicans, the Democrats, and the "Conservatives". The last one of these doesn't really exist outside of the hallucinations of an elderly man so I won't really be covering that. However the first two are political parties that purport to have different ideals, goals for what they do with the power their given, and very different styles in abusing it. We love to see diversity. A "Party Chairman" basically looks for schmucks throughout the city, identifies whether they'll do whatever the party says, sees if they'll fit in a suit, and slaps them up as a candidate for you to vote for. Sometimes this works out dandy and we end up with a hard worker in office. Most of the time however it's as satisfying as a one night stand with an unattractive gas station attendant. Either way these Party Chairman are supposed to represent the ultimate mega forms of their party. The Mega-Democrat, the Giga-Republican. Let us BEHOLD THEIR GLORY! Nikos "The Living Crash Test Dummy" Karagiorgis The Democratic Party Chairman (They say he has to wheel around an Morphine Drip.) Meet our first schmuck of the day. Nikos is a severely Greek individual who enjoys slathering his body in olive oil, sweltering under the San Andreas Sun, and gorging himself on cheese and olives in the pleasure palace he calls "Pacific Bluffs". When he's not sucking up to wealthy douchebags at the resort he manages, he enjoys getting into every single physical injury known to modern medical science. In the past month alone, Mr. Karagiorgis has been subject to a motorcycle accident, a three-alarm fire, and a house intrusion that collectively has left him a broken, lightly traumatized, and shattered man. One might think having such jarring experiences would inform him of the value and sanctity of his life, especially as he enters election season, but I have been reliably informed he also engaged in sky-diving shortly after. I want to say it's shocking to see a Democrat not learn from past errors, but they're kind of known for watching the same problems happen over and over again and flouncing their hands with a "How could this have happened again?!". Maybe this last shock to the system will help the whole bunch. Probably not. Whether all of this is the result of a mid-life crisis or whether it is a subtle ploy to become so injured that he conveniently enters a coma before the race begins, none can really say for certain. But with the current advances in medical science, we can probably expect future statements from this Democratic Party Chairman to be typed out via subtle eye movements and spoken through a Text-To-Speech system. Non-Existent Entity The Republican Party Chair (You might think this is an empty chair. You would be correct.) Yeah so to the surprise of nobody, they don't have a chairman. There's a few angles here that actually make this non-existent entity a really solid representation of the party and thus, ironically, makes for an excellent Chairman. So on the up-side, I want to laud Republicans on their consistency. Rumour has it, a lot of the recent problems in the Senate have come from their Senators never actually being seen in their Districts and I think that this sort of avante garde artistic choice to have a vacant chair is an accurate representation of how they've appeared to constituents in K-Town or the East District. (Read: Not at all) They vacated the chair after the last chairman began to crusade against the gays or whatever. Honestly, babes, I'm torn. If they fill the chair, it'll be some schmuck in power which would at least give me something to work with here. But if they don't, they're showing great consistency by neglecting another of their crucial duties. I'm unsure if this is a win/win or a lose/lose. I think I just want a mimosa and move on. Frank O'Shea The Republican Party Vice Chairman (Oh Christ... really?) So I felt it might not have been entirely fair to roast an empty chair so I guess, uh, yeah... Frank will do. Frank O'Shea is the husband of Branch Goodwater, one of the Senators whose activity in district is limited (but to my personal observation is growing more frequent). Frank used to be a Doctor but soon got very tired of helping people and decided to marry a wealthy cop sugar daddy and really dive head first into that whole Log Cabin Republican lifestyle. Look, uh, I'm doing my best here. I think the most I could squeeze on this guy is that he landed his helicopter in a golf course which is weird considering his husband was put up on and settled away some charges of doing the same thing in their back yard. While they informed me that Frank's golf course landing was due to engine trouble, I think the pattern reliably suggests some elaborate helicopter based sex game I want nothing to do with. Although I am proud of their creativity and venture into exhibitionism. Slay. Him and his husband also wear matching holiday sweaters. It's cute in a way that makes me want to take a drill to my head. They also have this sort of third guy they drag along to bars. Some rendition of a Canadian petroleum pipeline lobbyist? Maybe not a lobbyist? Maybe a third? Not my circus, not my clowns. ALL IN ALL Oof,, there you have it. Woo-hoo.. Seriously though, if we want to improve this whole schmuckfest we really need normal and reasonably sane people to run for office. If you have four brain cells, can put a suit on, and genuinely give a shit about your neighbors. Contact one of these assholes and try to replace them someday. You really really really don't need to have direct government experience. I mean, Christ, just look at these guys. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  3. Material Girl ____________________________________________________________________________ Act I: Burning Bridges August 12th, 2023 - West Palm Beach, Florida Dear Diary, When I stuffed my mother's Gucci purse with all of her Hermes silk scarves, soaked it in her perfume and father's cologne, flicked open my brother's old Zippo, lit it aflame, tucked it neatly into the luxury leather seats of the bribe they furnished me with after my last stint in Rehab, and finally, gloriously felt the heat plume from the shiny, shiny bribe, I remembered the last conversation I had with my brother before he was gone. I feel like if I don't record it now, I'll forget it and I do not want to forget Shane Urbana-Champaign, not now, not ever. I love him more than the world even if he never wants to speak to me again. Below, I faithfully reproduce our last phone call from three years ago, before I went away to college. I remember getting the call at 3:24 AM from an unknown number which is unusual to say the least. I'd later learn it was from a Liberty City Payphone. Look at me now, big brother. Aren't you proud? I'm burning bridges just like you said I'd have to. I just wish I could find you and hug you and apologize for not being brave enough at the time, not being strong enough, for being too tied to the glossy paid-for life with all its easy solutions set out right in front of me. But that plastic makes me sick. The smell from the burning cologne and leather is as toxic as it's new car smell and the fresh-from-the-bottle Histoires de Parfums that choked me before the flames were lit. It was always toxic. It always made me sick and sicker. They're just lucky I didn't burn the entire beach house. I'm moving. I don't know where, but I'm moving. They won't press charges. They don't need another scandal, but they also won't come looking for me. I know mother like the back of my hand. Celestia Carlyle Champaign will wait in the dining room at the end of a very long table sipping some very expensive champagne and she will tell father. "She's the weak one. She'll come back for money in a week. This is all for attention, you'll see. Just wait and see." I cannot wait for her to realize how strong I really am and how thoroughly I never needed her or father. When I am wealthy and happy and independent, they will know what I am truly capable of. Thank you for listening Diary. I have a flight to catch, Delia Celeste Urbana-Champaign
  4. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Media Review: E01 'Fischer', the Los Santos Sitcom I Didn't Know I Needed (Title Sequence from 'Fischer') Heeeey cuties! I'm back from both Spain and Germany after some glorious vacation time and I'm immediately back in the hot chair ready to serve you up something tasty. Given the fact that I've been practically pickled in gin, toasted by the Mediterranean sun, and now have the brain surface of a smooth, smooth bowling ball, I decided to go easy on myself and deliver you a review of the latest Sitcom released this past Sunday. Here's my breakdown of everything you need to know about Episode 1 of 'Fischer' titled "Washed Up" (Markus Fiskum as Mark Fischer and Mitchell Holt as Eric Fischer) The Cast! ๐Ÿ˜บ The first episode is chock full of the wacky domestic happenstances of a regular Los Santan by the name of Mark Fischer (Markus Fiskum) and his brother Eric Fischer (Mitchell Holt) and guest stars the vaguely eastern European appliance repairman Darko (Robert Kardum). The performances are what you'd expect from a Sitcom. That includes sitcom's signature M.O. of rapid fire jokes that are often corny, suggestive, funny, and goofy. There's also a surprising reliance on physical comedy in both exaggerated expression and signature LS-style reactions to every day events. Physical comedy is one of those lost arts that had been perfected by the likes of Groucho Marx so it's always wonderful to see it innovated on in the modern day. Honestly, I really enjoyed the characterization work the writer and actors put into these roles and they feel like real goofy dudes who could definitely be found in our weird city. The costumes designed by Stella Elomaa also are fitting for each character and I'd like to shout out her design of Eric Fischer for drip levels that are en pointe. ( ("No." - Darko) Snappy Pacing ! ๐Ÿ”ฎ The whole pilot is around five minutes with one short commercial break smack dab in the middle. This isn't a long production which is good because the attention span of this entire city is that of a toddler with ADHD stuck inside of a tumble-dryer. The one kiss of death I think this could have had is if it dragged on for too long, but 'Fischer' avoided this fate by keeping the jokes rolling and the shots shifting at a pace that keeps the viewer exposed to the next kicker as soon as the previous one triggers the canned laughter we all have come to know and love. I think my only note in the negative red ink pen was that the dryer sequence might have gone on slightly too long, but this is a minor point and didn't impact my overall enjoyment. The camera work is fun and almost acts as an extra character that draws our attention to both the well-crafted set and to the physical comedy these actors embodied throughout the pilot. (Great character dynamics and a genuinely funny begging scene.) Vixen's Hightlights! ๐Ÿ’‹ Alright so my highlights are twofold. One is how Darko resolves the payment issue in the most LS way possible. I don't do spoilers so you'll have to see that yourself. Secondly, I loved loved loved the physical comedy when Eric begs to move in with his brother. A-Plus material right there. The dynamics between actors are light-hearted, fun, and genuine. This is pretty big when you realize the main character is also the director which is rarely a feat that works out so seamlessly. (Vinewood Pictures Logo) ALL IN ALL The role of a Sitcom is to take us out of our everyday boring humdrum reality and briefly give us a glimpse into a silly, doofusy, goofy nonsense reality where the mundane aspects of our world are punctuated by humor and absurdity. 'Fischer' managed to do that and the entire cast and crew deserves credit for executing this concept with Los Santos, not as a backdrop. but as a living, breathing character in Mark Fischer's world. It's Los Santos' first locally produced sitcom and I really find that fact to be fun and heart-warmy. It's an easy watch and reminds me the sitcoms I grew up watching with my family. I think a lot of audiences will connect with that feeling of nostalgia and be pretty happy with how it connects to their current everyday life. This isn't super serious. I don't need to read the books before I watch like I did with Game of Thrones. It's a good Sitcom and it made me happy. That's all. Looking forward to future hijinks from these nerds. If you'd like to tune in or check it out, here is the link to their Face Browser page. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  5. (Welcome to the LS Vixen Blog Mainpage <3) What is the LS Vixen? The LS Vixen is a registered media and entertainment blog that focuses on political satire, social commentary, and also reviews various businesses throughout Los Santos all the way up to Paleto Bay. In Los Santos, everyone has secrets. Sometimes those secrets are innocuous and hurt nobody. Other times, they are major breaches of the public's trust and controversial to the point of public interest. The LS Vixen is on the pulse of every rumour and hunts down the truth relentlessly delivering it to her audience with sharp wit, quick delivery, and well-sourced research. Satire has the societal function of taking the egotistic, the prideful, and the 'untouchable' back down to ground level. It keeps people honest, self-aware, and human. The LS Vixen is a non-partisan, equal-opportunity destroyer, and her focus is on both giving people an accurate and fun understanding of political realities, the nightlife and business landscape, and the cutting edge of social commentary. LS Vixen on Face Browser Click Here to Add the LS Vixen on Face Browser. LS Vixen Article Archive Rumour Has It Partygoer Drugged with Embalming Fluid at Diamond Resort Halloween Bash! Media Review E01 'Fischer', the Los Santos Sitcom I Didn't Know I Needed Ask Vixen 'Halloween Hangover': How to Handle Exes, Nazis, and the Party Drought! Dining Reviews Hyped UP & Hopped UP on "Vespucci Cool Beans" (5/5) Seaside Slurpin' on Beefy "Meatballs By The Sea" (4/5) Doing Lines and Eating Saltfish at "Morgue Hall Bar & Grill" (3/5) Club Reviews Chaotic Crowds and Vibrant Vertigo at 'Cloud Nine' (3/5) Biting the Bank Fee and Leaping Into 'The Vault' (4/5) Rave Perfection in the Underworld at 'The Crypt' (5/5) Shop Reviews Summoning the Season of the Witch at 'Seekers' (4/5) Bar Reviews 'Pork Whistle' Liquored Me Up & Stole My Heart (5/5) Real Underground Cocktail Hours at 'The Republic' (4/5) Diving into Games at 'The Diving Board Pub' (3/5) Spiked Coffee, Flying Chairs, and Hot Dads at 'The Big Puffa' (4/5) Politics Guide Noah Wade's Shadow Senate Fails Vote in Actual Senate Which Senator is most likely to have six mistresses on rotation? A Street Interview with Jonathan Spencer Historical Archives 2020 2020 Mayoral Election Flash Coverage! Low Standards 2020: Your Guide to the Local Let-downs Post-Erection: The 'Winners'- Where are they now? Election Guide: What the Fuck is a Manjot Singh? In My Sights: Cover Charges Grapeseed Graphic Design Fail! Club Review: The Malibu fucking owns (5/5) Club Review: Hi-Five for 'Hi-Men' (5/5) Club Review: The Holy 'Trinity': Drinks, Dicks, and Diabetes. (4/5) Dining Review: Exclusively Packed, Noisy, and Sweaty Dining at "Nobu" [2/5] Dining Review: Vegetarian Glee at 'Lettuce Be' (4/5) Store Review: 'Pharaoh' didn't burn my fucking face off! (4/5)
  6. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Bar Review: Spiked Coffee and Hot Dads at 'The Big Puffa' (4/5) ('The Big Puffa' on the Del Perro Pier) Rating: ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹ I'm going to level with you babes, I was real fucked up yesterday morning. I had stumbled off of a degrading flight from Connecticut, my seatmate wore a polyblend shirt that kept lightly touching my arm, and their breath smelled like tunafish. Worst of all, the fucking airline cut me off at four no-vermouth vodka martinis which is tantamount to a human rights violation. So when I tell you I was not feeling great coming into town, I'm telling you I was on the warpath. That is, until I decided to drop in for a morning pick-me-up at The Big Puffa before I paid some woman to wave crystals directly over my root chakra for forty five minutes. Location, location, location! ๐ŸŽ‰ I've never been the type to weep at the sight of mountain ranges or dry heave at the sight of some Bob Ross painting come to life, but even in the deepest recesses of my cold dead heart, getting to see the vast ocean while going to get trashed puts things in perspective. The location is unique, singular, and refreshing. Be sure to wear a hair tie outside though because it will royally fuck any blowout you might have gotten earlier that day. Small price to pay for a dose of perspective before you dose yourself in their bathroom. (Honestly, fucking sick turnout for a morning crowd.) Athleisure, Khakis, and Sports Jerseys ! ๐ŸŽฝ Don't wear your best here, it'd make you seem stuffy and unapproachable. There wasn't a cover which is major ups from me and the door policy was open-for-all. If you're hitting the Big Puffa, just like... drop in. The bartender was wearing a full on rat mask. I called them Rat-tender. Who are you trying to impress? Seriously though, the vibes are a nice mix. I flirted with a hot dude I'll just call 'Dad Package' for anonymities sake, I witnessed a full ass chair being thrown at the Rat-tender. Slay. Some reviewers might dock a rating point for the whole "near violence" vibe, but after going to your sixtieth Tokyo Air Bar where the patrons are all Ketamined out ragdolls, it's refreshing to have a little action amping up the effects of the drinks. Speaking of... (An event stage with probably fake blood on it. Probably.) Judgement Free Booze from the Rat-tender! ๐Ÿ€ It was like eight AM and all I said to the bartender was, "Can you spike some coffee for me?" I didn't get questioned as to why, I didn't get any nasty looks, I just got a cup full of sanity and hot coffee. Simple, punchy, and got me loose enough to let some Guyanese woman beat me with palm leaves later that day. I am a simple woman, I have simple needs. The Rat-tender and The Big Puffa satisfied those needs... for the most part! Which takes us to where I'm taking a point off. Don't feel bad. Nobody makes it out of the Vixen's reviews without a little real critique. The prices were also pretty solid, so you won't go bankrupt getting shitblasted. Feed me? Maybe not? Is that real blood? ๐Ÿฒ Yes, I fucking know it's Halloween. Bear with me. So here's the scene that adds up to one kiss knocked off the rating. I'm getting a drink. A chair flies at the bartender. I'm flirting with a hot guy and networking. I get hungry. I look at the Rat-tender, I stroll to the kitchen, I see blood on the floor and a closed kitchen sign. The closed kitchen when I was mondo hungry is enough alone to knock a rating off, but combine the blood's proximity to both the flying chair and the rat energy and I considered not eating the food to be a mixed blessing. Pier food has always had a reputation for being made of 90 percent grease and horse hair so like... Maybe I dodged a bullet? ALL IN ALL What can I say, sunshines? It was a blast. I definitely want to come back for more spiked drinks and to watch the hi-jinks, but I also want to try their food next time their kitchen's open. If they avoid the grease trap, they may just earn that final kiss from the Los Santos Vixen. The stage is also an encouraging sign that they may hold really tragic local comedians, karaoke, or some hokey Halloween events. We love to see it. Either way, I"m done with this review, I've got to go take a Big Puffa something green and lay out on the beach. DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  7. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Dining Review: Hyped UP & Hopped UP on "Vespucci Cool Beans" (5/5) (Located in Vespucci. Duh.) Rating: ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹
  8. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Dining Review: Seaside Slurpin' on Beefy "Meatballs By The Sea" (4/5) (Located on the Chumash Pier) Rating: ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹ ๐Ÿ’‹ Find out what Four Kisses means here. Hey cuties. We all know how Los Santos can be. You go to a gas station. Some hobo robs you for your purse filled with ice cream and the card of a local psychiatrist you desperately need. You go to a 24/7 and there's some teen demanding cigarettes from the appropriately startled and nervous clerk. The same teen gets the crap beat out of him by vaguely European men. A sports team wins, a sports team loses. A politician sleeps around. A model is forced to go to an annoying party by unspoken social conventions. A dolphin weeps in the ocean and a police officer bites into a fresh donut. This is the way of Los Santos and this way can be super-not-great for a person's anxiety at times. This is why the moment I saw that a shop had opened by the seaside port of Chumash Pier, I was down to fucking clown. While "Meatballs By The Sea" was to my surprise not a waterside brothel specializing in the services of well-equipped Italian men, I was delighted to learn it was a casual, sea-side eatery. So either way, I knew I was getting stuffed. Let's dig in! Standard Beach Dรฉcor and Simple Planning Won the Dau, but Musical Chairs Dimmed it's Glory! ๐ŸŽผ (Simple, beachy, lightly Italian. Good vibe. Photocred: Jenna Song) As you might have noticed from my Pork Whistle review, my metric for dรฉcor is super-duper fair and simple. I see a barn, I want to feel either barnlike inside or be shocked in a good way. In this case, switch barn with "sea-side fast casual eatery." It's got oceanside motifs you'd expect, no surprises there! But it also has some comfy, surprisingly modern, seating. Unfortunately this brings us to my first and last hitch with "Meatballs By the Sea". I had three people, we played a little game of Musical Chairs in order to figure out that we'd had to dine at the stool laden mini-countertop if we were to dine together. I wanted a bit of a booth moment, but the booths only fit two. Is this a cardinal sin worthy of death? Nah. Not by a long-shot. But when we're working with a smaller space, I understand there's challenges but I think one or two three-seater tables would help cut down on some of the shuffling around. Overall, thumbs up. Nothing crazy or surprising. The Ballmaster, the Flow, and the Vibe! ๐Ÿ›’ (I have not been legally forbidden from calling Chef Emil, 'the Ballmaster', yet. Photocred to Jenna Song.) Riding off of the Morgue Hall wave in the Dining Review memory bank of my brain, I was naturally a little nervous when I entered and saw only Chef Emil working. Luckily the menu was simple and direct which helped speed the line across. Also this guy is a massive ball juggler, phenomenal at interspersing culinary creation and processing orders in a flash. When it comes to Dining Reviews, I tend to not technically comment on something called "Crowd Curation" which is how the crowd curated by the business effects the experience of said business. For nightclubs with security, I absolutely factor it in as you'll see with an upcoming review on Cloud Nine. For upscale restaurants, that is where I expect sharp Crowd Curation and a tailored experience. For Meatballs By the Sea and Morgue Hall, all I expect is that the line moves along and things get processed. Otherwise the line gets bored, douchebags start douche-bagging, and the vibe then goes off. This did happen once while I was at Meatballs By the Sea, but in my professional assessment it was less because Emil's line didn't move quick enough and more because a group of fifteen-year-olds were out in Chumash unchaperoned at 2:00 AM, and looking to cause a stir. Once they did, they were promptly escorted out. So in total, Chef Emil processes orders speedily, effectively, and you can rely on your order being fulfilled in a timely fashion. But Vixen, HOW WERE THE BALLS? ๐Ÿ– (.) (I ate them so immediately I did not get a picture, I will not be judged by you.) The variety was really nice even with a streamlined menu. The fare ranged from Italian-style Meatballs as one might expect to even Korean BBQ varieties and a Build-Your-Own Bowl option that wasn't overly complex nor took longer to fulfill than the main menu items. And Christ, they were fucking good. I got the beef meatballs with gochujang and topped with Parmesan over a bed of white rice. The umami in Parmesan worked fucking wonders with the Gochujang and the meatballs themselves. I heard zero complaints as my friends were dogging on their own balls. Many claps to Chef Emil for also including Vegan and Gluten Free options which I deftly avoided in favor of breaking any and all dietary restrictions I may have claimed to have had previously. Also it was fucking cheap. I love that. I'm cheap too. I felt seen. Their website also indicates that you can order takeout and they are expanding their opening hours which helps with planning the journey to the seaside. This leads me to my final summary and my final happy moment on the Chumash Pier. ALL IN ALL (Goddamn, that's fucking pretty. Fuck.) Location. Location. Location. 'Meatballs By the Sea' benefitted so much from being in a place I wanted to be. Far from the city and it's many worries, I was able to look out at the vast ocean and put my worries into perspective. For someone with anxiety, that alone was something I'm incredibly grateful for. The fact that the food was good, the service was quick, the dรฉcor wasn't jarring or overwhelmingly tacky, the prices were more than fair, and the owner clearly has a passion that he enjoys sharing. This all certainly overshadowed the teensy game of musical chairs I had to play to find a comfy seat. I left calmer, happier, and content in having slurped on the meatiest balls you can imagine. And isn't that what life makes really worth living? XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  9. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Club Review: Chaotic Crowds and Vibrant Vertigo at 'Cloud Nine' (3/5) (Cloud Nine, located in Pillbox Hill.) Rating: ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹ Find out what Three Kisses means here. Hey cuties. This review has been a long time coming and I've tried to approach this delicately, like a scientist dissecting a preserved piglet. Detached from morality or emotions, I wanted to figure out how I felt about this because there's aspects I adore, I like, and I want to love, but there's also some angles to this vertically-oriented unique club experience that get me a little uneasy and woozy. Together, with your voyeurism and my exhibitionism, I think we can unpack the mysteries and wonders high up in the sky, deeply embedded into Cloud Nine. Aesthetically Stunning, Elegant, Classy, and Fucking Unique! ๐Ÿ’ฎ (An excellent exercise in Modernism that isn't Boring. It's possible guys, see!) First things first, one of the two areas Cloud Nine excels in is its aesthetics. The spaces are beautifully crafted, visually interesting, and should be conducive to going from an elegant drink while lounging to dancing on the open air balcony. I enjoy the idea of exiting the elevator and being right in the mix between the bar and the stylish seating arrangements. It screams luxury penthouse. It screams eleganza. I have zero critiques on architecture and I think the fucking designer should get an award and also hit me up about designing my future mansion (putting some good vibes in the air towards that!). Slay babes, slay. Killer Tunes, Hot DJs, and Dancy Dancefloors! ๐ŸŽ‰ (DJ Carl Medina in his natural habitat, mixing sounds to keep our hearts beating.) The music is the second place that Cloud Nine excels and it's due to a consistent lineup of solid tunes. DJ Carl Medina is becoming one of my "names to look out for to know if a party is worth visiting" and so his tendency to play Cloud Nine has influenced the score upwards. The music is blended nicely, never crudely switching and fucking up a killer dance move. The dance crowd is welcoming and kind for the most part, only sometimes segmenting into little cliques (which is fairly common) but dancing to club hits in the open air of Los Santos is a unique experience. Acoustically, the sound system is vibrant and punchy and the bass hits me right above the tits and I love that rib-cage humming sensation. Another slay for Cloud Nine. Really Lax Door Policy! Wait, no Door Policy! ๐Ÿ˜จ (This was from a night where the crowd was fine. Only one minor fight on the dance-floor and didn't involve my ass.) This is where we start to get a little grey in the face, kids. If you've read this blog, you know I am not a fan of cover charges. I've said that phrase a dozen times and I'll say it a dozen more. So theoretically, I should love the fact that Cloud Nine is cover-free. Usually that would warrant an auto-four and above Kiss Rating and my undying gratitude. But that's not what's happening today, cuties. Cloud Nine has provided me valuable nuance to this rule and I'm grateful for that. I talked briefly about what Crowd Curation is in a previous review for "Meatballs By the Sea" but to summarize... Crowd Curation is the ability of certain business owners to use different mechanisms to curate the kinds of crowds they want to attract and retain. Country Clubs for example have butt-sniffingly high fees and explicitly exclude members of the Media Elite in order to cultivate a sort of "elitism with no risk of pesky plebian transparency" energy among their stuffy clientele. Goth clubs tend to have themed nights to really cultivate the ex-theatre kids to goth pipeline types. And more generally, nightclubs tend to have both covers and security to keep the stabby, shooty, instigator-express this city is known for from pulling into the station and doing what they generally exist to do. Cloud Nine has no security, no CCTV, and no cover. I've been there twice. Each time has had a fight break out. Both times these fights were on the balcony which overlooks a nine story drop. Do you kinda see what I'm getting at here? The combo of these factors means when I see that Cloud Nine opening up, I have a mixed desire to taste the cocktails, take in the rooftop fun, but also I want to call three of my friends to join me because I don't really know who is going to be there and whether they want to enrich their lives through super-violence in an otherwise lovely space. It's uneasy at times. ALL IN ALL (Fucking beautiful, though. For real.) I really really really want to like Cloud Nine more. I want to be more and more excited to go. The owner is incredibly kind, the staff is wonderful, and as I said the Aesthetics, the Music, and the Price Point is unbeatable, I just think with any sort of security measures at all, I would be more inclined to be able to relax in the space fully. I mean look at the picture above. Who doesn't want to listen to a pianist while sipping a cocktail in that space? Maybe one day, cuties. Maybe one day! XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  10. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Club Review: Biting the Bank Fee and Leaping Into 'The Vault' (4/5) (The Vault, located in Pillbox Hill.) Rating: ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹ Babes, when I say it's been a week, it's been a fucking week. I've had everything from death threats to getting tossed into a mosh-pit head first, but also some shiny moments. Finding really sweet girlies to hang out with who are both fun and smart, taking drives to the countryside and meeting a bonafide cowgirl, and generally getting to really know this city I've chosen to forge my destiny in. A mixed bag for sure, but one area of consistency is my desire to get absolutely reckless and dancy and hit nightclubs that seem fun, cute, and spicy. Thus, one golden night, I found myself at The Vault A Stylish Entry with a Punch to the Gut Cover! ๐Ÿคช (How fucking stunning is she. On brand.) Well, babes, I'm gonna be real with you. As I've said in past reviews, this girlie is none-too-fond of cover charges. I get it. We need some kind of filter at the door to keep the stabby, shooty, and assholes out. So all I really ask is that it's reasonable. The $700 bucks at the door is a little dicey for me babe. I paid for a friend and dropped $1400 bucks that would have went to the bar (which surprisingly offset the cost of the door!) This isn't a major, major issue. A lot of work went into the decor, it's sleek, it's fashionable, it's cute, so I totally get it. But it's also my blog and I have rules and the rule with covers is if it irritates me, it's one Kiss off five. Them's the rules. Cute entry though! Clubby-bubbies, cute babes, & hot dudes in streetwear! ๐ŸŽ‰ (The hottie crowd and sickening DJ.) (11/14: DJ MUTAAANT, click for his FB!) Zero fucking complaints about the crowd and the DJ. The DJ was bumping consistently and it was a solid vibe through and through, the crowd didn't shit themselves on the dancefloor, stab one another, and they actually fucking danced which is rarer than I'd like it to be. I was happy as a clam swimming between the extremely accessible bar to the dance factory floor. I grooved my ass off and for no particular reason I was consistently up, up, up in mood. I'm going to attribute it to the music, the lighting, and my general body chemistry at the time. Clothes-wise, it was a mixed bag. As usual the chicks were breaking out the stylish looks and the dudes were wearing hoodies and T-shirts. So basically if you're a dude, if you do literally anything to stand out, it'll be notable and hot. Girlies, we always have to turn up. It is our blessing and our curse. YEE! 11/14 UPDATE: Hey cuties! I wanted to update that the DJ was the one and only DJ MUTANT who kicks a lot of Techno and Drum and Bass. Find him here if you want to give this lovely a follow or a like sometime, babes! Humans! Humans EVERYWHERE! ๐Ÿ’› (The crowd was evenly dispersed between two floors! Glory, fucking glory.) Let me be super real with you, cuties. A two story club can be a risk. One of the risks is that everyone is on one floor and the other acts like a vestigial arm that just flops on the side for random drug use and threatening conversations. At The Vault because of the fucking magnificent architecture, the upstairs is neatly and tidily integrated into the space. Hopping upstairs is a quick elevator ride and doesn't take you out of the experience, but it does give you a breather from the busy main floor. I like this a lot. My friend was having drinks with a cute girly upstairs for an cozy chat while I was playing the wrecking ball on the dance floor. Popping up to see her was easy and cozy. Big big big fucking props to the interior designer. They deserve an award. And money. LAST BUT NOT FUCKING LEAST, MY WATER GODDESS ๐ŸŒŠ (My angel. My saint. My queen. My Water-Mommy) Hey, so it turns out in clubs, girls like me get super-duper fucking thirsty. This absolute unit above provided me exactly what I needed when I needed it for a reasonable price. If you see her, treat her well. I have no idea what her name is, but I will forever see her as my water goddess as I was about to dehydrate because of ๐ŸŽ‰reasons๐ŸŽ‰ and Queen Saint over here came to my fucking rescue with a free bottle of water. Tip her. Make it rain. Bless the rains down in Africa. You know the deal. ALL IN ALL Baby dolls, I had a fun night. What can I say? A lot of the time I go to a club and it's a flaccid mess. Just a blear of meh that's barely worth writing about (which is why you don't see too many 1, 2, and 3 star reviews honestly). The Vault executed a stylish concept with reasonably priced drinks, a solid DJ set and curated a fun crowd, but the entry price is a little cutting and they could instruct folks at End of Night a little better on the alternate exit used, but the final two points are super minor in comparison to the benefits. If my biggest issue with your place is that it hit my wallet a little harder than I'd like and there's some crowd flow adjustments that could be made, you've got a golden motherfucking spot babes. TLDR: Put your money into the Vault, withdraw stylish fun. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  11. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Bar Review: 'Pork Whistle' Liquored Me Up & Stole My Heart (5/5) (Located on Baytree Canyon Road in Great Chaparral) Rating: ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹ ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹ Find out what FIVE Kisses means here. It's been a looooong fucking week, babes. I survived a life threatening structural fire, I bought a pink convertible, I endured a bout of depression, I solidified some powerful friendships, and introduced myself to some lovely new humans as well. Mixed fucking bag if I ever saw one. On one of these post-fire nights, one of my girlies noted that 'Pork Whistle' was open in Great Chaparral. To say I was enthused to enter Blaine County while already anxious was an understatement. I had done an article that included some neo-Nazi douchebaggery before and I was a little hesitant to head north as a result, but when I put trust in the girlies, I put all my trust in the girlies. So I found my most flannel shirt, put one some wireframe glasses, and hitched my pantaloons up for a wild ride at Pork Whistle. Well, Slap My Ass and Call Me Susan, the Dรฉcor wasn't a fucking bore! ๐Ÿค  (Fucking excellent seating and dรฉcor choices captured by my favorite photojournalist, Jenna Song) So I go to a lot of bars and nightclubs and restaurants. Sleek modern design here, sleek modern design there. So sleek, so smooth, so modern and slippery. So grey and navy with a pop of neon. I feel like I live inside an iPhone Design Studio and I cannot get away from the modern edgy flourishes. Yawn. That said, when I walked into Pork Whistle, nothing here could be described as fucking sleek or slippery, modern or edgy. It was all wooden and cedary and splintery. This is exactly what I had wished for when I was entering a fucking barn. I am a simple woman. I see a barn. I choose to enter a barn. I want a fucking barn experience. Babes, I got the full barn experience. My back hoe* was aching by the end of this adventure because I was rocking in those awesome rocking chairs for so long. FUCK YEAH! *(I do not know what a back hoe is) First Floor, I adore! ๐Ÿฅฐ (The first floor of this three story barn eleganza extravaganza, including godly waitstaff.) Now if you've been following my past reviews there's two things that really make or break an establishment from a five kiss rating. One is when they're understaffed and the line builds up to terminal degrees and the second is when the structure of a place doesn't flow and it doesn't permit customers and staff to easily work their way from bar to perching place with ease. There was no fucking problems babe. Between Blondie Adriel and Scarlet Harlot Ella, pictured above, me and my band of ne'er-do-wells were fit as a fucking fiddle. I was on a liquid diet that day which is why this is a BAR review and not a DINING review. I had the signature Pork Whistle Whiskey which was spiced in just the right way to make my eyes tear up and my nipples turn into little diamonds. I could have seriously harmed someone. It was great. I will say my buddies got the Firecracker Burgers and they looked like the perfect thing to devour after six shots of Pork Whistle Whiskey. Fun and games in the Hayloft! ๐Ÿท (Pictured above, fun, games, and a nearly-hostile vaguely European man.) I did a little exploring once the Whiskey got me loose as a goose. I rocked in the rustic rocking chairs, wandered the wooden corridors to the stairs and i found a perfectly lovely pool table and a bean-bag nook for hanging out in and getting cozy this winter. I strolled and found more large fun barn things, and I took in the view of the bottom floor from this lovely perch. A vaguely European man defensively asked why I was taking pictures of the bar. The track suit and accent combo really clocked him as Eastern European. If you see him in this wide world. Give him a hug. What a sweetheart. A widdle fearful of da reviewer. Daww... Seriously, this place is a fun corn-maze of little features. For example there is a MYSTERIOUS THIRD FLOOR which I COULD NOT ACCESS! Thus I am forced to assume it's a secret speakeasy or a place where they keep particularly limber horses that are able to scale and de-scale thin attic stairs. Either that or dead bodies. So many dead bodies. Who knows? I found a HUSBAND! ๐Ÿ˜ (Look at him and me. So strong. So resolute. Always watching out.) As you well know, dating in Los Santos is a crapshoot. You either get guys who are trying to get into your pants through really questionable and shitty avenues. (Asking for my number at a gas station is not attractive, ganging up on me with your friends makes me think you're a hivemind) or guys who are genuinely sweet and kind but can't seem to understand that one of the hottest qualities in a person is their passion and drive. I am proud to announce I have found my forever husband. We will be going to Mallorca to consummate our impending marriage. Let me just zoom in our lad here... God why is that weirdo in the way... (So dreamy) I know we share a forbidden love. But you must understand that Jerry the Vulture was watching me, bobbing his head respectfully, and made some excellent song recommendations for the currently broken soon-to-not-be-broken jukebox. He also didn't ask for my number which showed a lot of confidence. His plumage was well-tended. He takes his job as the guardian of Pork Whistle super seriously which is so hot. I love a guy with a passion that exists outside the realm of impressing me and earning my love as though I'm a prize at Charles Entertainment Cheese's establishment. Plus, his eyes are just red and beady which really exudes passion for his career choice and possibly for me. Jerry. I'll be back for you my sweet. And we will dance to The Gambler and the Dixie Chicks. And I will finally try a full Firecracker Burger looking deeply into your red lightbulb eyes. ALL IN ALL Babes! I had fun. What can I say really? The prices were fair. The drinks were good. The bartenders, golden goddesses. The owner, a complete sweetie pie. The dรฉcor, a fuckin' refreshing banger. Pork Whistle is a fucking hoot. And of course, the vulture who stole my heart... Jerry... JERRY! XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  12. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Introductory Song for Rumour Has It! Rumour Has It: Partygoer Drugged with Embalming Fluid at Diamond Resort Halloween Bash! (An 'artists' depiction of the partygoer) So a lot of gossip makes its way across my desk and sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's sad, but with things like this babes, it's just plain scary! And I'm not talking, like, Halloween Spooky Skeleton scary, but like honest to Goddess gives me the fucking heebie-jeebies Scary. Before we get started though. I'm not a Panopticon. I'm not the San Andreas Chief Shadow Justice. I'm not a Scientist or a fancy pants Doctor. I'm a gossip columnist and this is gossip, so take everything you read here with a heavy grain of salt. Once I heard the rumor, I chased it down and found the partygoer, a credible witness, and I reached out the Diamond Resort for a statement as well as did an interview with a different Resort Manager to investigate how the hell big ass luxury resorts are supposed to handle drama like this. It's wild. But let's get to the story, babes! Buckle up, this is a dooooozy! It started out with a spliff, how did it end up like this?! ๐Ÿšฌ Gotta gotta be down, because I want it all! (The Diamond Resort gleaming in its glory.) Picture it. You're at a killer Halloween Bash at a luxury resort, you're hanging out, having fun, and taking a dip in the hot tub. You're chatting up some dudes who give off good vibes and one offers you a rolly cig. He calls it Sherm, but by then you've already got the cig in your mouth and took a drag. Well, the partygoer had no idea what Sherm was and neither did I until I started researching for this article. It turns out it's just a little ole' regular cigarette... dipped in fucking EMBALMING FLUID. What the FUCK? What ever happened to just smoking weed, guys?! Anyway, I am not too proud to admit that if I were in her shoes, I probably would have made the same choice because as a society we usually trust people to not fucking lace cigarettes with formaldehyde as just a general rule of thumb, although clearly that trust needs to be re-considered. Here's the deal, she didn't feel the real strong effects until Management told everyone the place was closing and they all packed together like fish in the elevator. She began to get lightheaded and collapsed after the doors opened. But this brings us to our hometown heroes. Having a little Faith in the Girl Code! โค๏ธ (Faith LaBelle, Editor-in-Chief of Diversify Magazine) When our girlie collapsed, not everyone ignored her and left without a second thought. Faith LaBelle, Editor of Diversify Magazine, and Caden Levi, Diversify's Executive Assistant, along with an unnamed Diamond Resort bartender and the partygoer's friend, Jenna Song rushed to her rescue and ensured she wasn't trampled by the crowd. Partygoers told the LS Vixen that a majority of Diamond Resort Management and Security were likely occupied with a separate incident where a woman was leaping from a high ledge to escape a dude trying to force a rose into her hand which drew all the attention away from the partygoer even as she fell ill to the effects of the laced cigarette. Faith stayed with the partygoer and instructed the Bartender to get her some water while Caden called for an ambulance. A single member of Diamond Resort Security named 'Amy' was also reported to have helped with the Partygoers recovery process. Dude, where was Management?! ๐Ÿ˜ฒ (It is a pretty building, despite the chaos though, right?) She got home safely with the aid of her bestie. The Girl Code totally came in clutch with this super-scary situation, but it really got me wondering. What sort of security practices are in place for incidents like this? So I reached out the Diamond Resort's Manager Spyros Jones regarding the incident and he provided no comment directly on this incident. Providing the following: Now to be fair, when I asked for a statement, it was regarding the original rumour which is that our lady had her drink spiked which is a way different ball game. So give credit to Mr. Jones, he seems to have been unaware of the incident or just unwilling to comment entirely. This is why I took his advice and reached out to the Diamond Resort's phone line every day for the past three days. With no answer, I couldn't let the story grow cold. After all, gossip is like pizza. It's best when hot and fresh and only gets colder and less interesting as time tick, tick, ticks on. So I interviewed a Manager from a different Los Santos Resort and asked what sort of procedures Resorts should have in place for situations like this. He told the LS Vixen that first off it's almost impossible to prevent people from bringing drugs into establishments in the first place as it'd be a legal issue to frisk every single person that thoroughly on entrance. Secondly, it would have had to have been reported to the Manager for it to be actionable. Thirdly, if she was experiencing any sort of medical emergency, he'd have personally coordinated the medical response and called an ambulance and directed the paramedics after securing his guest. Once she was fully secured and receiving treatment, he'd scrub the 360 Dome Cameras CCTV footage and cross check locations and times to ascertain the identity of the dude who drugged the chick before turning it all over to the police. He also indicated it would have been his responsibility to ensure it would never get to the point where other guests would be forced to triage a medical emergency and coordinate this sort of high level response. Super-duper thorough. Does the Diamond Resort have similar procedures? Maybe? I hope so! ALL IN ALL What can we learn from this guys? First off, let's start with don't fucking dip cigarettes in goddamned embalming fluid. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Second, it's really important to invest time, money, and energy into businesses that have clear and effective security protocols in place. We want to shout out Amy, Faith LaBelle, Caden Levi, Jenna Song, and the unnamed Bartender for helping our Partygoer out! She was super-duper grateful. Finally, we have to just be ultra careful about substance use, guys. It's tricky because we want to believe we can trust our hot-tub-mates, the handsome gent at the bar, or even the girl at the other end of the Face Browser chat, but we have to acknowledge we don't really know them or what exactly they're capable of until it's too late. This is why it is so crucial to solidify meaningful friendships, keep selective about what we partake in, and, as exemplified by our hometown heroes today, help our neighbors when they're in need. If we just do a little more helping and a little less abusing, we'll make a shiny sunny world where we don't have to watch our backs as much. But, until then... stay safe, sunshines! XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  13. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ A Vixen's Guide: To Being Less Horny-Mad Ladies, you're usually my main audience if my demographic stats is any indication, but this one is for the fellas. And not just any fellas. It's for the gentleman in the audience who are going through a tough widdle time. A Vixen's Guide is usually me instructing people on how to do shit in ways that makes them less cripplingly embarrassing, cringeworthy, and self-destructive to their own goals. First we'll ID the problem, then we'll talk solutions. Get it? Got it? Good. What does it mean to be Horny-Mad? Why is it even a problem? Ask your attractive lady friends if they've ever experienced the following sequence of events and let them corroborate. The way it goes is a girlie is at a club, at the dentist, in the street, in line at a Jamaican food spot, or existing anywhere outside of the home and a gentleman approaches. The gentleman finds the lady very attractive and probably wants to give her a bit of a fuckin'. So he shoots his shot. So far there's nothing wrong. People have the right to vibe someone, they've got the right to shoot their shot. All's good so far. So far. So he asks for her number or asks if she'd like to get to fuckin' but with this special breed of Horny-Mad gentlemen they unfortunately, statistically, and scientifically have zero to no game. Their proposition fails. The lady rejects them. This is when the dude's pride is hit right in the cock-region. Instead of reacting like a normal human and sort of saying 'Have a good one' and strolling away, they get MAD and not just mad they get HORNY MAD. Causing them to go down a decision tree that is as predictable as it is lame. Either they get physically violent, which obviously sucks ass, or just verbally harass the lady, "You were ugly anyway!". What do these reactions tell us about the person? As a lady myself, I find these reactions super-duper revealing. When someone acts out after they've been rejected, it tells me that I dodged a fucking bullet by rejecting that dude. If he cannot engage in the most gentle of not getting what he wants when he wants it, it tells me I'm not dealing with an adult man who can handle me. I'm dealing with an overgrown toddler who can't fathom the world not bending to his needs. For example, to be Horny-Mad, the dude needs to visually detect an optimal partner and then say words to try to fuck her. When they turn and call the chick ugly after rejection, all they are doing to is giving us some Olympics Level Mental Gymnastics and expecting us to have our fee-fee's hurt just as much as their pride was wounded. It never really works, but it doesn't stop these dudes from making the same mistake. Over and over and over again. So in short, these reactions tell us the dude is: Unstable, Childish, Has No Dick Game, and is genuinely, honest to God, fundamentally fucking stupid. And if he's willing to embarass himself this deeply, it gives us the sense he'd be embarrassing to be around. B-but Vixen, how can I go from being a Horny-Mad... to being a Horny-Chad?! Pull up a chair, young learner. If you're willing to listen, I'm willing to teach. Here's how it should ideally go down. You see a pretty lady. You're looking handsome because you're not wearing stained gym short, right? Good. You're looking good, feeling good. You have some fun life goals and you enjoy your life. I love that for you, cutie, and guess what? Chicks can sense that kind of inner security. So when you walk up and say, "Hey", it's a confident and secure dude walking up. Certainly, not a disembodied penis looking to haunt a random vagina. So you walk up, wowzers, first step down fucking pat. Now this is the tricky part. Pretend she is a human being. Talk to her like she's a real person. Wild. I know. Ask her about her day. What she likes about the place you're both hanging at. Make some fucking conversation about things you find passionate. Holy shit, it's working. She's talking to you almost like you're a real person too. This is fucking revolutionary, babes! And now the moment you're waiting for... Ask if she'd like to hang out again soon. If she says sure, then you exchange numbers. Shoot a text off to give her your name. Va-va-voom. The most important part is... if she says no. Dating is a statistics game, babe. You're gonna get more No's than Yesses and that's a fact in a big city like ours. There's a whole lot of humans and you never know what they're going through and when they're going through it, so reacting to No is an important skillset. If she says no, wish her a good day and walk the fuck away. Understand that if you get Horny-Mad and act like a child, girls talk to their friends and every single time they see you in public, you will be an object of ridicule for each and every one of their girlfriends. That's super not-hot. But if you walk off, live your life, masturbate in the solitude of your own home or find another chick who is more vibey with you, you're that dude she could have had a shot with. That's all, babes. This isn't Rocket Science! How are we feeling? If you feel sort of read for filth and you're still reading this, I'm super fucking proud of you for keeping your mind open to another perspective. All that's left is for you to put it into action. If you've got a buddy who keeps acting like this, gently send him this article as a way for him to stop being cringy and he too may one day acquire maidens. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  14. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Dining Review: Doing Lines and Eating Saltfish at "Morgue Hall Bar & Grill" (3/5) (Located in the north of Little Seoul) Rating: ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹ Find out what Three Kisses means here. It was a long night of hard work (Read: Partying and dancing at some invite-only beach and abandoned luxury hotel parties, super fun!) and your girl, the illustrious and humble Los Santos Vixen, was certifiably hungry. Bleary eyed, hungover, I searched the landscape for scraps of food, for the roving antelope to come into my sights only for me to LEAP FROM A TREE and sink my fangs into their soft neck. In lieu of roaming antelope, I came across the Jamaican sensation, the one, the only, Morgue Hall Bar and Grill. Let's see how they handled my brandished fangs. Morgue Hall was super-duper fucking DECKED! ๐Ÿ’ฎ (Unique design choices, on theme. Very themey. I'm thinking this isn't just Halloween Seasonal) I really really love the foyer and also the wallpaper elements keeping the vibe of the place on brand, it's a Jamaican grill, babes. They better represent and I think they did a fab job of doing so. Morgue Hall may be a name that is a little off-putting to some, but whoms't among us (amogus) does not approve of a light cannibalism energy when choosing a food place. I was sure as fuck down to clown on some Jamaican food because of the fun branding and the clear pride the owners and workers take in their culture and the culinary delights they have to offer. The structure was fine, perhaps it could have used some more standing tables in order to help section off the crowd a little as I think the whole super-Christian phrase "Idle hands are the devil's playground" really kicked into high gear during my trip as you'll see. Doing Lines but NOT IN THE FUN WAY! ๐Ÿ˜ฟ (This line hurt my very soul, my spirit. And the men were literally embarrassing themselves.) Alright babes. Fuckity fuck the line was long. I get it. It's popular. I'm not faulting them for their popularity. Buuuuut, because the line was long, the horny dudes got super bored and when horny dudes get super bored they get either violent or sexual harassy. Half the time on line I spent asking a dude about dolphins because he was hitting on a disinterested and super pretty Christian chick. The second half of my time in line was spent watching two kids beat each other up while waiting for their food orders, another kid yelling at the sweet Jamaican dude at the counter because they got his order wrong, and another group of horny dudes hitting on chicks. Lemme be super-duper clear. When pretty girls are getting hangover hot wings, we ain't feeling sexy. This isn't a high point in the day for us. We're recovering. Our insides are a mix of tequila, hastily chugged water, and Advil Liquigels. You could be the biggest dick hero and I'll ask you to walk away namely because I don't want dudes trying to stick their dick in me while I'm eating hot wings while hungover. As for clothes, dress in whatever, nobody cares here and it's not stuffy. Just if you're a pretty chick I guess try to dress ugly to ward off people. Soooo, all this to say, hire some more cashiers and chefs, make the line go quicker and dummies will be way less bored and less likely to be super-duper annoying, y'know? The FOOD! (There's a reason the line is long. The food is bomb, babes.) Now the moment you've all been waiting for is HERE! The food was fucking killer babe and at a reasonable price. I see why the line exists, I understand it. I got the Saltfish and Ackee which is a staple Jamaican breakfast and it did not disappoint. Because of the crowd issues and me not wanting to be flirted with while dogging on this shit, I absolutely snarfed it in my car which is super unfortunate since the booths looked very cute to hang out in. Given the mismatched order earlier, I'm willing to argue that them being understaffed is causing some amount of issues with executing orders to perfection so try to go when it's a quieter time. Especially if you're a cute chick. ALL IN ALL So it was exactly the hangover food I needed when I needed it for the price I needed it at. I just didn't want to deal with the Los Santosness of the crowd when I was already hungover. I think some strides could be made in smoothing out the customer experience, but overall I really enjoyed my time at Morgue Hall when it comes to the Dรฉcor, the authenticity and deliciousness of the Food, and the fair price points. Am I going back? Probably. Will I be bringing a spray bottle of water to spray weirdos down when they act up? Absolutely. Will I dine in? Probably not. HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE We've got a BONUS SECTION! (Rockstar Dean Brando and a full bottle of tequila) The LS Vixen spotted Dean Brando of Vinewood Pictures fame and frontman for the band "Time Traveler" absolutely chugging the fuck out of a bottle of Tequila. What does this mean? Is our mans okay? Is he just having fun and living his life? The picture is giving Sad Keanu vibes, but he's also been spotted just grooving and living his life. Honestly, I like his directness. Why do shots when chugging the bottle conveniently places multiple shots directly into your liver. Word on the street is he's been collecting band members like Pokรฉmon so expect to see Time Traveler in concert sooner rather than later. They might even be good. Fingers crossed cuties. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  15. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Ask Vixen's 'Halloween Hangover' or What to Do About Exes, Nazis, and the Party Drought I have officially opened up my Ask Vixen form for you, my dearest, darling, twisted, wonderful, manic, and mad audience, to submit YOUR questions for Little Miss Vix to be answered in todays article and boy-o-boy did you fucking deliver! One even included pictures! How fucking fabulous is that. Today we'll be taking a journey from the run-of-the-mill How to Seek Vengeance on an Ex into the less run-of-the-mill How to Handle Nazis at Public Gatherings, and finally ending with a nice chaser of How to Handle the Drought of Parties Between Holidays Buckle up, sweethearts, mellow into your chair, and enjoy. How to Seek Vengeance on an Ex This first question was submitted by Shankabich69: How to Handle Nazis at Public Gatherings This second question was submitted by ProtectedinPaleto: (Images submitted by ProtectedinPaleto. Fucking yikes.) How to Handle the Drought of Parties Between Holidays Our third question has been submitted by Sp8z Grl: ALL IN ALL Wow, we learned a lot today. This was an emotional rollercoaster, baby-dolls. And my brain is all out of advice. For next time though, if YOU HAVE ANY BURNING QUESTIONS, submit yours to THIS FORM to appear in the next Ask Vixen! But wait, do you have advice for Shankabich69, ProtectedinPaleto, or Sp8z Grl? Dish in the comments section below babes. And remember, each time you post. I GROW STRONGER! XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  16. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Shop Review: Summoning the Season of the Witch at 'Seekers' (4/5) (Located on Sinner Street, the storefront to the left of 'Gear and Clothing') Rating: ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹ I don't know if you know this about me, babes, but I'm a total Love Witch. My heart beats and I can feel the thrum thrum thrum of ships sailing off to foreign Troy. My face pouts and ceasefires are called. I scream and the court appointed psychologist groans. We've all got a bit of magic at our fingertips, whether you're a bohemian artist conjuring dystopian vistas beyond man's furthest recognition or a stylish fashion designer creating luxuriant cuts of fine fabrics for personal adornment. Conjuring reality from imagination is one of the fronts Los Santos is most underrated on. But even these everyday magicians sometime need a little pep in their step, a few tools in their shed to do their duty and do it well. Thus lying on Sinner Street, quite close to The Crypt in Sinner's Alley... is Seekers. A metaphysical supply shop for all ones needs. Let's see how they fared my discerning eye. The selection is expansive and accessible to novices all the way to adepts! ๐Ÿ”ฎ (The variety is mindboggling yet accessible) Ding ding ding, this is my absolute favorite part of Seekers! The actual supplies! Okay so here's the low-down babes, metaphysical supply shops can come in three varieties. Crystal-mom pop-occultist shops that sell books by Llewelyn Ravenboob to suburban moms looking up to spicen up their day, ultra-elitist dark and musty old-book and dusty ingredient shops that have an air of up-their-own ass exclusivity wherein the staff assumes you should know everything, and the rarest type is the one that straddles both worlds. I'm happy to say whether you're aligning your Chakras to regain your husbands attention or doing your best to make your paces through the Ars Notoria to speed up your Ancient Greek acquisition for your latest go through of the Hygromanteia, this shop has supplies for you! Ranging from the ever popular crystals to various dried herbs for personal practice, the pick up and go factor is legit and wonderful. They also have a really nice variety of tarot decks and they didn't neglect to stock a Crowley deck which in my opinion is one of the basic pitfalls these places can fall under. Tarot readings and divination can also be ordered on-site which is lovely! Oddly enough, they also supply GHOST-HUNTING equipment, which is sure to make for a fun and spooky Halloween. Just be careful what you ask for, because your just might get it. Packed to the fangs with a cool-cat crowd! ๐ŸŽ‰ (Local goths in their natural habitat) Oh my gosh, I did not expect this place to be as busy as it was. First off, it's an unmarked storefront, but regardless droves and droves of spooky-season patrons came streaming in and out with their various baubles. This is the only place I am taking off a kiss and it's not technically due to the crowding. This shop is clearly doing well and is really popular, I think it's time of an expansion of space babes. Not only that, there are so many baby witches out there who don't know exactly what they're doing.... having a community space like a coffee shop attached might make a good space for community building. But if you really want to steal my heart have some space set aside for community ritual and workshops! That'd be super-duper cool, babes! As of now, the shop was a wee bit cramped. Divinely inspired staff who are super helpful! ๐Ÿ’› (A literal angel. Jenna Song โค๏ธ ) Yeah so I didn't catch her name* but the cashier was exceedingly sweet, non-elitist, non-stuck-up. Just a genuinely happy person who likes her job. That's rare babe and Sister Strange here deserves every snap of the finger and every tip you can give. Judging by her, I can only assume the diviners on staff are just as kind, capable, and accessible! Muchos muchos kudos!! * Update (11/3/23): Jenna commented on the article with her name so be sure to give her a warm hello next time you see her, Vixxxers <3333 ALL IN ALL Babes, I'm genuinely, honest-to-Goddess super-duper fuckin' happy about this place. It was well put together, had excellent stock, and good humans all around. Just a lil crampage. A lil bitty crampyness. But if that's the biggest 'problem' like, whatever, y'know? Lots of love to Seekers and my bat-oriented spooky-babes! Update: The owner of Seeker's is Claire Skye who I believe also does tarot readings for the establishment, swing by and take a peek into your own personal brand of chaos, babes! DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  17. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Bar Review: Real Underground Cocktail Hours at 'The Republic' (4/5) ('The Republic' in Morningwood) Rating: ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹ ๐Ÿ’‹ Curious about the rating scale and what it means? Read more HERE As much as I adore a beer in a divey pub like at The Diving Board Pub, I am still hopelessly and always going to be that bitch with the martini. In pursuit of this, I meandered the streets looking for something suitably low key but one notch up on the classy scale. My travels took me far and wide. I was imperiled when I accidentally knocked over a homeless ladies baby stroller only to find what poured out was not an injured baby but, like fifty, cans of Bush's Baked Beans in varying stages of botulistic denting. Running for my life, I found myself a refuge... A refuge called The Republic. Descend into the Underworld! ๐Ÿ–ค (The descent into 'The Republic' has such vibes.) One thing I adore that goes way underrated is how you enter a bar, a club, or a bogus court case suing you for disorderly conduct in an airplane. You can stroll in screaming, hooping, hollering, or you can pop a Xanax and enter a calm and cool demeanor. The Republic had a coat check area and a sign in space unmanned due to it just being a regular night and a set of stairs that delved you red and ready into its undercroft. This, too, is an after work drink spot, but it's for a different kind of worker which we'll get to later in the review. The descent sets your mind apart from the above-ground world and those above-ground problems. I personally really like this type of bar set-up for that very reason. Call me John Wilkes Booth because I'm... well.. Uh... into Booths I guess... ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿ‘ˆ (Private booth seating for when the world is just a little too much.) One of the main features here are the private booths that line the walls. They're structured perfectly so that if you and the girlies or the boys don't want to lurk around the bar-counter for small talk, you absolutely do not have to. It's also primo for people watching and they're all decorated super tastefully. The tables are in-fact actually tables and the seats are super comfy. Love to see it. A lot of the time you'll see these types of features not exactly being used by patrons but in this bar there was a good split between the booths and the bar counter as shown in the next section! The vibe is giving surly Eastern European dudes and white collar after work crowd! ๐Ÿ˜Ž (The crowd and vibes, babes. Always good to take a peek!) So basically the vibe was basically a bunch of hot Eastern European types both behind the bar and in the crowd annnnnd a bunch of, like, white collar local workers who def were there for a post-work cocktail. I'd recommend wearing upscale clothes or something that screams 'I'm trapped in an office most of the day' if you want to fit in. I personally loved it. The dudes were hot and the bartender was a sweetheart. People were distributed super evenly between the booths and the bar proving the efficacy of having solid seating and private spaces melded together with the usual communal bar moment. I didn't snap a picture, but there's also a DJ booth which means that it probably does turn the fuck up on weekends and whatnots. Def gonna drop by during their turnt moments. One teeeeensy weensy thing that is totally not a super-big deal, but worth mentioning. I ordered a Dirty Vodka Martini because I love them and it feels like I'm being healthy even when I'm most definitely not being healthy. The martini I got unfortunately didn't have any olive brine in it, but it did have bitters and dry vermouth of course as well as some really fucking good Vodka. And it was $200 fucking dollars which was the same price as the Corona at The Diving Board Pub. I'm left with a mixed feeling. The martini was fucking great and it wasn't crazy expensive, but it was made slightly wrong. And that's okay babes, we all make whoopsies. If this whoopsy had cost me $400 bucks I'd probably have Karened out, but I had zero need because I was in a chill environment, with a good drink, for a good price, with some good music playing. ALL IN ALL A genuinely super cute spot. Nice underground vibes with well-priced cocktails, a surly and handsome crowd, a sick DJ set up, and booths for days. All because I fled a woman wielding a can-opener. Glorious, babes. Glorious. Los Santos is such a vibe, isn't it? XOXO DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  18. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO โค๏ธ Bar Review: Diving into Games at 'The Diving Board Pub' (3/5) (Located under the Del Perro Pier) Rating: ๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ’‹ Curious about the rating scale and what it means? Read more HERE Soooo babes, I totally got a day job, but fear not. It does not mean I'm abandoning my tireless mission of serving you up the hottest reviews, gossip, and spicy spots to get nasty. On the contrary, cuties, I'm now just like you. A working stiff. A nine-to-fiver. So after a hard days work I wanted nothing more than a cold beer and chill vibes. That's when I found this little spot nestled underneath the Del Perro Pier. Here's my review of The Diving Board Pub. Enjoy! A platform for local bands? Sweet! ๐ŸŽธ (The entrance on the right is right next to the stage and jukebox.) The first, first, first thing you notice when you walk in is the stage to the right of the entrance. Immediately my mind filled up with images of cute old retirees forming cover bands for bands like Phish or local college students cutting their teeth on some original material for the first time at this unassuming locale. A more pretentious version of me would be off-put by untested bands in a dive bar, but Los Santos has changed me, babes. I love the idea that performers can express themselves in such a warm and cozy environment. I like this and I'll be keeping an eye out for local performances. Arcade machines and makeshift tables. ๐Ÿ‘๏ธโ€๐Ÿ—จ๏ธ (A view of the arcade machines and 'creative' table setups.) We'll get to more fun and games later, but for starters, I love arcade games and can get kinda sucked in, so I was happy to see these to the left of the entrance when I walked in. My only teensy weensy anxiety was that as a clumsy gal, a real clonker, a bumper and a booper, a disorientation express if you will the barrel/pallet combo tables get me nervous that I'm gonna knock stuff over. Also I was nervous I'd get splinters. I don't know if this is an aesthetic choice or if the owner's are going through a tough time financially but I'm totally down to donate some sturdy wooden tables. If only to prevent my dummy thicc and clumsy ass from knocking them over while jamming out to the classic rock streaming from the speakers. The drinks, crowd, and the main bar! ๐Ÿ’ฟ (The main floor of The Diving Board Pub.) After work crowd alert! It's the usual mix of blue collar workers, leather jackety dudes, and nice locals all trying to mellow out after their respectively tricky days in the above-ground world. I like crowds like this when I'm tired. Just nice people shooting the shit, taking zero bullshit, and getting themselves properly sloshed after a long day. Also of note was a gentleman in a Los Santos Panic jacket! We're all pretty hyped about the Panic these days. So cool to see that hype trickle down even under the pier. As for drinks, the price point is pretty normal I guess. Two hundred for a Corona. I will say further south at Vespucci Community Center they sell Miller Lites for like 60 to 80 bucks so I'm unsure if VCP is just a really low-priced dive-bar or if The Diving Board Pub is just a little pricier than your average after work dive. EIther way, probably worth mentioning. The dress code is whatever you were wearing that day. Nobody cares. Just be comfy and happy. More games, games, games, games!! ๐ŸŽฎ (Slots and Billiards, fab ways to burn a paycheck.) Fuckity fuck fuck yes! Gambling and beer after work are a killer and dangerous combo. I tried my hands at the slot machine and managed to both lose and win one thousand dollars. By the time I hit my last spin on the slots, my beer was almost gone and my mind smoothed over from a rough week. A glance at the Billiards table also filled me with imaginings of locals hustling each-other for a few low stakes games of pool and earning back their drink money through strategic savvy. Love to see it. ALL IN ALL It's a pub, babes. You get what you expect. Beer. Games. The prospect of live music. And no judgement. That's all we can really ask for from a pub, y'know? If it gets too fancy, it gets pretentious and awkward. If it's too low-grade, it starts attracting sleazeballs. In this case, traveling the middle course served them well. An excellent after work drink. Plus you can walk the pier after and watch the sunset. And that's a super-duper fucking cute feature. Happy drinking. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  19. A Vixen's Guide to LS Politics This shit makes me deeply nauseous, but I do it for you all. I'm goddamned Mother Theresa. Woah, you actually clicked on an article regarding politics. Weird. You must be on either a self-torture kick or on a whooole lot of weed. Either way, I'll try to make this painless and help you through this difficult time. So I'm acclimating to the vibe here in Los Santos. Sunny, beautiful San Andreas has so much to offer. Big beaches, big bitches, beautiful bars with beautiful people, an endless array of fun activities and new friends to meet. And it also has political parties where grown adults form a circle and take turns doing eachother. Sometimes in full view of the public, sometimes in board rooms. Good for them, as long as they aren't killing anyone, dismembering the bodies, and spreading it strategically throughout Los Santos many dumpsters. Recently, there was a schism between some senile man and the Republican Party. Go figure. One dark and stormy night, I spoke with my million-dollar AI executive, Gertrude, and she told me exactly where to find the man himself for a juicy juicy interview. Here is the transcript. Enjoy babes. A Street Interview with Jonathan Spencer (Jonathan Spencer, a normal and okay guy.) And there you have it, folks. Some say the LS Vixen is all about scathing reviews of nightclubs and bars, but we're actually super deep and totally care about politics. Keep it cute, babes. DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
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  21. Mayoral Erection 2020 This entire thing is really bad for my skin so it's gonna be a short one. Seriously, I keep breaking out from the stress of it so I just gave up and asked the candidates to send me short statements outlining their vision for the future of Los Santos. I reproduce it all fully unedited and without any of my usual brand of opinionated satire. This is so you have a real chance to evaluate the candidates based on their merits and their individual plan for the future. Super serious. ยฉ 2020 Los Santos Vixen. All fights deserved. Independent Candidate Malikah Saleh With the eye of a newt, the heart of a cow, the tongue of a shrew, the breast of a sow... I shall invoke the spirits, to take from the wealthy, and force-feed the hungry. By the winds of the land, I shall strike with my hand, each and every shitty band... A plague of locusts upon those, who in their hearts have chose, to slight and blight the earth! Inshallah, I see... I see the Los Santos Caliphate RISING! *Unintelligible cackling* Republican Candidate Oswald Halford There you have it folks, two uniquely terrifying visions for the future all in your hands. Check out their similarly terrifying websites below: Independent Roving Gypsy Malikah Saleh Republican Not-the-Zodiac-Killer Oswald Halford Disclaimer -> Comments are enabled ADD US ON FACEBROWSER OR PERISH.
  22. LOW STANDARDS 2020 YOUR GUIDE TO THE LOCAL LET-DOWNS As the city's election approaches, a wide array of one hundred percent not-robot clones vie for seats in the Greater Los Santos area. The two main parties, Democrats and Republicans, present their nearly identical plans for the city and have already managed to make rounds of news, with more wife-beaters sure to come to light in the days ahead. In the spirit of this election, LSVIXEN presents the 2020 Low Standards Election Special, which aims to toughen up voters and ready them for all manner of scandal, horror, sexual trauma, car-fondling and any and all sorts of sordid tentacle fetishes that may come to light regarding the, yet again, 100 percent human candidates running for District Representative. This page will constantly be updated with top news stories and other revisions if can remember to do so between copious amounts of cocaine. ยฉ 2020 Los Santos Vixen. All fights deserved. Yes, they are still in style. We recommend them with a flared bell-bottom. A little irrelevant to election coverage though. Moving on. ยฉ 2020 Los Santos Vixen. All tights preserved. Here we go, now we're cooking with gas, let's roll down the list. Mayor of Los Santos We'll deal with this shit next month. For now.. this is basically them. Northern District Manjot Singh (D) Joshua Spencer (R) Candidate Fun Facts! Manjot Singh guaranteed the LSVIXEN never once murdered a hitchhiker and ate them. Not even once. Joshua Spencer for his part has assured the LSVIXEN that his love of the troops and veterans is "absolutely non-sexual. Haha... Unless?..." Central District Richard Orosco (D) Alex Flynn (R) Candidate Fun Facts! Richard Orosco vows to beat the shit out every single woman's rights issue in Los Santos! Bold stance! Alex Flynn has confirmed that he does NOT CRY WHILE HE MASTURBATES AT ALL. Good to know. Southern District Wallace Abbasi Mk. II (D) Jose Ortiz (R) ERR0RC4ndidate FVn Facts! Wallace Abbasi guarantees voters that he feels all three human emotions, happy, sad, and 01100010 01101100 01101111 01101111 01100100 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110010 01110011 01110100 01111001 00100000 01110010 01101111 01100010 01101111 00101101 01110010 01100001 01100111 01100101 Jose Ortiz loves watching strong women fight. Some nights he even pays homeless women to fight each-other for his amusement! Charmer! Western District Tanya Sun (D) Joshua Shepherd (R) Candidate Fun Facts! Tanya Sun guarantees that if you say Prosperity three times in a mirror she will haunt your dreams until your untimely demise. Joshua Shepherd enjoys plaid and has come to terms with him not receiving a single Korean vote. Chins up buddy! Eastern District George Valencia (D) Thomas Busch the Third (R) Candidate Fun Facts! George Valencia is extremely sensitive about his deformed thumbs and does not want anyone talking about them. Thomas Busch was told by Papa Busch that this election was actually purchased just for him because he was a very good boy this year! Blaine District Badar Khan (D) Joseph Hoffman (R) Candidate Fun Facts! Badar Khan is really excited about his initiative to give every single citizen in Blaine County their very own vaguely ethnic name. Joseph Hoffman got his own durn fortune by playin' them poker tourneys in Las Venturas. He's fixin' on doin' he same with the city budget! ยฉ 2020 Los Santos Vixen. All blights ensured. Disclaimer -> Comments are enabled ADD US ON FACEBROWSER OR PERISH.
  23. The 'Winners' Where are they now? The sun sets on this election cycle. Both Charles Galloway and Oswald Halford sweep the remaining crumbs of cocaine from their respective large mahogany desks and prepare their battle-mechs for the Mayoral race next month, realizing almost instantly that they can now comfortably not answer any of losing candidates calls ever again unless they are particularly wealthy. A new day dawns on Los Santos, a new day where half the council is Red, the other half is Blue, and one hundred percent of the citizens are just curious what they will actually do for them. The Los Santos Vixen was curious about that question as well. We tracked down the winners and interrogated them on their plans after the big win! ยฉ 2020 Los Santos Vixen. All fights deserved. Candidate: Jonathan Spencer (R) District Representative for the Northern District Where we found him: Lurking masked under the bleachers at ULSA. What are your plans? "Oh-ho Jonny-boy is just enjoying a little 'me-time' right now. Pass that bottle of lotion for me and give me a little privacy." Candidate: Tanya Sun (D) District Representative for the Western District Where we found her: In the bathroom mirror of the iSeoul Cafe after saying her name thrice. What are your plans? "Prossssssssssssssssssperiiiittty" Ms. Sun then vanished into thin air after the lightbulb flickered. Candidate: Alex Flynn (R) District Representative for the Central District Where we found him: Desperately trying to be recognized at a coffee shop What are your plans? "Wait? You recognize me? Thank god, people keep saying I only won because of my whole opponent beating his girlf-" We got incredibly bored and decided to move onto the next winner. Apologies. Candidate: George Valencia (D) District Representative for the Eastern District Where we found him: Actively choking out a prostitute in the Havana Sauna with a permanent smile. What are your plans? "Fuck bitches, get money." Candidate: Wallace Abbasi (D) District Representative for the Southern District, Ayatollah of Los Santos. Where we found him: Shedding his 'human' skin after his mid-morning prayer. . What are your plans? "<:// SHARIALAW.exe initialize. 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01100001 01101100 01110011 01101111 00100000 01101100 01101111 01101111 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 01100110 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01111001 00100111 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00111111 >" Candidate: Joseph Hoffman (R) District Representative for Blaine County Where we found him: Fully inebriated outside of a Waffle Hut at 6:20 AM What are your plans? "Wai-wai-wai-wait yersay'n -hic- I'm the fuckin' mayor?" Disclaimer: -> Comments are enabled ADD US ON FACEBROWSER OR PERISH.
  24. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Buckle your seat-belts, fuckers. Letter from that bitch editor: Yes yes, it's a new category of reviews for those drunken midmorning, midnight munchywunchie headachey I-need-some-grease binge-urges! As such these restaraunts will only get beer bottles instead of the infamous kisses. Keep these places on your radar! Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? https://face.gta.world/pages/LSVIXEN KISS KISS XOXO โค๏ธ Club Review: [LSVIXEN] Drunk Food Review: Hungover at 'Spitroasters' (3/5) (A haven for the formerly or still drunk!!) RATING: ??? (3/5) Let me level with you here. It was in the early hours of the morning and I got all dressed up in last nights clothes,m leaving the hookups place to make a proper walk of shame. I knew that it would be a cold day in hell before I go home, cook myself a nutritious meal, and do yoga to reinvigorate. Bitch, I needed some hangover food and I saw this place with a swinging sign tempting me in. Places like this from their curb appeal offer cheap, greasy, gross, delicious, bingeable food. Let's see what I found.. GREAASY FOOOOOD! ? When I see a place like this, I expect one thing. Greasy delicious food. And you know what? I got it. They served me Fish'n'Chips which was indeed all that and a bag of chips! The food came quick, I had sunglasses fully on so the fluorescent lights didn't bother me at all and I finished my meal with that full, more grounded feeling you expect from drunk food. Handsome Chef ? So this is a mixed blessing. He's handsome and he's cookin' up the meals that save us from the worst part of the hangover but he's also seeing ya when you look like a hot mess so... fix your hair up before you enter! The Shadiest Part is the Bill ? Here's the only part that makes Spitroasters lose two bottles! Drunk food is supposed to be cheap! This wasn't like Gusset expensive but gurl... I spent less on Portola Drive on lunch at Lettuce Be than some of the menu items here cost; all I recommend is having a large selection of cheap stuff and keep the pricy stuff as sort of shareable big entrees. That way you get the best of both worlds from customers! ALL IN ALL I mean, I'm coming back whether it's to get the chef's number and will make it a regular pit stop on my walks of shame. I'll just be sure to bring some cash and an aspirin. DISCLAIMER > Comments are enabled Remember to add us on FB for live Vixen updates.
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