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  1. Material Girl ____________________________________________________________________________ Act I: Burning Bridges Act II: A Refined Palette, A Taste for Blood Act III: Fire and Gold Act IV: The Perfect Heirloom; In Glorious Technicolor ACT V: Glory and Victory on the Tip of My Tongue Act I: Burning Bridges August 12th, 2023 - West Palm Beach, Florida Dear Diary, When I stuffed my mother's Gucci purse with all of her Hermes silk scarves, soaked it in her perfume and father's cologne, flicked open my brother's old Zippo, lit it aflame, tucked it neatly into the luxury leather seats of the bribe they furnished me with after my last stint in Rehab, and finally, gloriously felt the heat plume from the shiny, shiny bribe, I remembered the last conversation I had with my brother before he was gone. I feel like if I don't record it now, I'll forget it and I do not want to forget Shane Urbana-Champaign, not now, not ever. I love him more than the world even if he never wants to speak to me again. Below, I faithfully reproduce our last phone call from three years ago, before I went away to college. I remember getting the call at 3:24 AM from an unknown number which is unusual to say the least. I'd later learn it was from a Liberty City Payphone. Look at me now, big brother. Aren't you proud? I'm burning bridges just like you said I'd have to. I just wish I could find you and hug you and apologize for not being brave enough at the time, not being strong enough, for being too tied to the glossy paid-for life with all its easy solutions set out right in front of me. But that plastic makes me sick. The smell from the burning cologne and leather is as toxic as it's new car smell and the fresh-from-the-bottle Histoires de Parfums that choked me before the flames were lit. It was always toxic. It always made me sick and sicker. They're just lucky I didn't burn the entire beach house. I'm moving. I don't know where, but I'm moving. They won't press charges. They don't need another scandal, but they also won't come looking for me. I know mother like the back of my hand. Celestia Carlyle Champaign will wait in the dining room at the end of a very long table sipping some very expensive champagne and she will tell father. "She's the weak one. She'll come back for money in a week. This is all for attention, you'll see. Just wait and see." I cannot wait for her to realize how strong I really am and how thoroughly I never needed her or father. When I am wealthy and happy and independent, they will know what I am truly capable of. Thank you for listening Diary. I have a flight to catch, Delia Celeste Urbana-Champaign
  2. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ LS Vixen Podcast: Episode 3 "Breast Episode Evar" XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  3. A Vixen's Guide to LS Politics Hey babes, here's that transcript of my exclusive interview with Northern Candidate, Democrat David Wu, on LS Vixen Live. Thank you so much to everyone who tuned in and to those who didn't, you'll have to imagine me saying these questions with an eerily calm voice and killer timing and delivery. Politics Guide: David-Wu Inter-view, it rhymes! Transcript DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  4. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Survey Says: LS Voters May Favor Zhao & Martinez in City Council Race! Hey hotties, so as you may have guessed from the whole "Survey Says" series here on the LS Vixen Blog, I'm big big big into data. I learned about how to organize a decent survey in college and babe, there's no rush like analyzing a hot, spicy, ready to burst data set. As part of my consulting firm, VIX Public Relations, I conducted a survey of voters to check in on which candidates they were vibing and also to get some insight into what they care about. First off, for the nerds who want to dig into it, you can find the data linked here. Your welcome. Send me love in the comments if this hits you right in the Chi Square. For those who aren't total dorks, I managed to get Los Santans from all over the state with a wide age range to put their two cents in. The best best best part of this is that we managed to avoid "partisan flooding" of the survey. You'll see why I determined that in a bit. But for now, let's get to some of the interesting things we've learned! Okay, but like politics sucks. Does this study reflect how much it fucking sucks? (Yes) Basically, yeah. So one of the first questions I asked was "Who among LS Politicians past and present do you find inspiration in?" 47.9% of voters surveyed said None. Lol. Burn. The only person who came even slightly close to having any amount of the respect of these people was Republican Senator Andrew Brandenburg and I'm pretty sure it's because he's the most visible attendee of State Senate meetings. So while we may know politics is shitty, we can still identify some of the real ones who proverbially "throw their back into it." WHO ARE THE FAVES, BABE?! Fine, fine, we'll get to the super cool part. I asked voters to select their favorite candidates in the election. This means they could choose multiple if they so desired. The top two candidates in this election according to the data are Democratic Candidate for the Central District, Olivia Zhao, with 57% favorability and Republican Candidate for the Northern District, Josely Martinez, with 52% favorability. This is spicy for a number of reasons. First off, from like the nerdiest excitement I can possibly imagine- it means my data wasn't flooded by partisan douchewads. More people selected BOTH a Republican and Democratic candidate based on their sheer favorability. That's so hot. I need a moment. Okay, I'm better now. The second interesting thing is that they're both part of heavily contested races. The Democratic Northern District challenger David Wu only came in with 33% favorability against Martinez and Republican Central District challenger Garrett Baker only managed to elicit a measly 9.5%. Yikes. Of course, there's a debate today at ULSA that might tweak some numbers for either Martinez or David Wu, so we have to like... mentally factor that in? Maybe? I dunno. (Yasss. Charts.) How much did voters align with their candidates on the issues? 🎆 (lol words.) So this is where it got all heart warming. Voters mostly agreed with the candidates stances on stuff. I'm talking all of the candidates we actually got platforms from like Frank Buntz, David Wu, Sophie Wu, Olivia Zhao, and Josely Martinez... I'm not seeing major discrepancies between their platforms and voters needs and wants. That's excellent. If they actually put those needs and wants into action. Fingers crossed babes. The most notable deviation I could see was with the controversial idea of a Curfew for Unaccompanied Minors. In our first post of this Survey Says series, we found out that minors are dying at alarming rates on the streets of Los Santos and that a majority of surveyed LEO and EMS officials supported some form of a curfew for minors who are unaccompanied by an adult. The candidates seem to have uniformly been neutral on this topic but voters more often supported such a curfew than opposed it. The median age of the survey was 34ish however so it could literally just be bitter childless millennials being bitter childless millennials, however.... the range in ages was from 18 to 70 babes... that's a solid range. Who knows. It's not a Personality Contest, it's an Election.... but if it was...? 👀 I threw these questions in for fun. Just to kinda see what you'd say. Sue me, I'm a nosy reporter and blogger. I have every right to.... inquire! Let's get ready to RUMMMMBLE!!!! Which candidate would you be most likely to win against in a fist fight? 52% indicated Ted Cook Which candidates are the most authentic? 42% indicated Olivia Zhao and 38% indicated Josely Martinez Which candidates are the hardest-working? 47% indicated Olivia Zhao and 33% indicated Josely Martinez Which candidates are the wealthiest? 71% indicated Josely Martinez Which candidates are pro-Gun Rights? 52% indicated Ted Cook, 33% indicated Josely Martinez, and 28% indicated Garrett Baker Which candidates are pro-LGBT? 80% indicated Olivia Zhao, 38% indicated Sophie Wu, and 33% indicated David Wu Which candidate could you outdrink? 57% indicated Josely Martinez Woosh, this was a jouuuuurney. The only comment I will endeavor on the above is that I have seen Josie's wine cellar and I believe she might secretly be able to drink me under the table. The party line questions went exactly as I somewhat expected! ALL IN ALL What do we make out of all of this? Well what I'm taking from it is that Los Santos is a diverse place, but we all agree on some basic issues. We agree that the government should be staffed by diligent hardworking dudes and gals, the government should be well-funded and use those funds to everyone's benefit, and it kinda shows how much we're willing to put party aside even when the talking heads online are yelling at each other over this or that scandal of the week. Anyway. Just wanted to share with you this cute lil thing I did. Love you all. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  5. A Vixen's Guide to LS Politics Hey babes, what do you do when a candidate refuses to do an interview with you? You come to him. Here's my coverage on Garret Baker, Republican Candidate for the Central District's big Q & A event held only hours before voting time. Politics Guide: Garret Baker's Big Q & A (Baker pictured above speaks to the crowd, including a member of LSN, his wife, and daughter.) Transcript DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  6. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: C.B.Dreamy Coffee and Elixirs at "Euphoria" (4/5) (Located on Prosperity Street in Del Perro. Photocred: Jenna Song) Rating: 💋💋💋💋 Find out what Four Kisses means here. Original ideas are seemingly in short supply these days. From a dozen cafes, to personality bereft bars, to yet-another-soulless club front, reviewing the business scene in Los Santos can get quite blah. This is why I was so shaken when I seemingly randomnly walked into a business with a unique angle. At first, I thought I was walking into yet another cafe, but the Aldrich Sisters had something different in store for the LS Vixen. We'll dig into the vibe, the energy, the offerings, and the unique slant below. Let's get dreamy. The Decor is a cross between a young Republicans Cigar Lounge and a Ski Lodge! 👀 (The floors in ascending order. Photocred: Jenna Song ) First things first, the decor is okay! There's no daring awards being granted by stuffy magazines, it's a relaxing wooden haven with equal parts austere lounge wood finishes and equal ports modernist lounging couches, the mixture creating a slight time warp effect. It all goes together which is absolutely fine, the colors have been chosen intentionally as a throughline, a deeper wood color, a blue, and a grey, but it serves as a blank canvas from which to enjoy your treats and talk with friends. My one consideration here and partially why a kiss has been taken off is that it's three stories and two of the stories are pure lounge and seating. This is not a huge crime, but if I ascend three stories, I just want some sort of unique payoff at the top. A pool table, arcade games, maybe even a lounging floor section for a cuddle puddle. There just needs to be a lure to take me up that second flight of stairs or else I'll likely just trudge back down a little less glimmery. That said, having the serving station on the ground floor is naturally genius as it provides an accessible way for the "to-go" crowd, of which there are many, to snag what they need for their day and vamoose in the blink of an eye. Speedy service by Euphoric Sisters! ⭐ (Madison Aldrich in her Natural Habitat. Photocred: Jenna Song) The service was naturally quick and attentive, given that the Aldrich sisters who own the place were the ones tending to the first day. Their passion for getting it right and introducing customers to the Euphoria world was appreciated and exciting. They handled the opening day crowd like a charm. The only other reason I am deducting that fifth kiss is also because I squinted while looking at the menu which made me feel very old and embarrassed me in front of my younger hotter friends. But what exactly was on the menu? Let's dive in! KAPOW PLOT TWIST THERE'S PLANT EUPHORICS HERE!!! 🍽️ (C-B-D! C-B-D! Photocred: Jenna Song) Sooo the unique angle here is that to my knowledge this is Los Santos first or at the very least sole C.B.D. cafe. For those who don't know, C.B.D. is like the chill cousin of cannabis, offering relaxation without getting you high. While it doesn't get you zonked out of your gourd, it CBD does bind to your endocannabinoid receptors in that ole' brain of yours and provides benefits to mood, pain sensation, and appetite. At Euphoria, you can have CBD added to your coffee and go about your day just a little more regulated. It's perfectly legal and it's a unique twist on an oversaturated café market. I adore it. The entire menu has a beautiful attention to detail and is a delight to explore. The Menu ALL IN ALL What's most exciting about Euphoria is it's potential. While it may begin as a CBD lounge and café, if Governor Brandt would stop being terrified of legalizing marijuana because of his own personal mental and emotional hang-ups around marijuana, we might all benefit from a society that treats marijuana the way it ought to be treated. On par or even less harmful than alcohol which is perfectly legal. Both parties in government want marijuana to be legalized. The Mayor wants it Legalized. The Senators. The City Councilors. The People by and by large want it Legalized. There's only one person who doesn't. Governor Brandt. Maybe he needs a trip to Euphoria. I know I do. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  7. *A Clickable Banner Ad* ------------------------------ (Welcome to the LS Vixen Blog Mainpage <3) What is the LS Vixen? The LS Vixen is a registered media and entertainment blog that focuses on political satire, social commentary, and also reviews various businesses throughout Los Santos all the way up to Paleto Bay. In Los Santos, everyone has secrets. Sometimes those secrets are innocuous and hurt nobody. Other times, they are major breaches of the public's trust and controversial to the point of public interest. The LS Vixen is on the pulse of every rumour and hunts down the truth relentlessly delivering it to her audience with sharp wit, quick delivery, and well-sourced research. Satire has the societal function of taking the egotistic, the prideful, and the 'untouchable' back down to ground level. It keeps people honest, self-aware, and human. The LS Vixen is a non-partisan, equal-opportunity destroyer, and her focus is on both giving people an accurate and fun understanding of political realities, the nightlife and business landscape, and the cutting edge of social commentary. LS Vixen on Face Browser Click Here to Add the LS Vixen on Face Browser. LS Vixen in Other Media Purchase the Vixen's latest fiction Poetry Anthology Connecticut: Read an exclusive interview with the Los Santos Vixen herself in Diversify Vol. 7: Purchase the Vixen's fiction novel Ersatz (A Science Fiction Romance): LS Vixen Article Archive Los Santos Vixen Podcast A Vixen's Guide To Forgiveness and Letting Go To Communicating Clearly Without Fucking Up To Being Less Horny- Mad Media Review Vixen's Choice for LS Movie of the Year goes to C'est La Vie (2023) E01 'Fischer', the Los Santos Sitcom I Didn't Know I Needed Survey Says Can Popularity be Bought? A Face Browser Deep Dive Minors are Literally Dying in the Streets According to LEOs & Medical Responders. Is a Solution in Sight? Ask Vixen 'Halloween Hangover': How to Handle Exes, Nazis, and the Party Drought! Dining Reviews Marvelous Pastries & Toasty Coffee at "Vespaio Cafe" (4/5) Hyped UP & Hopped UP on "Vespucci Cool Beans" (5/5) Seaside Slurpin' on Beefy "Meatballs By The Sea" (4/5) Doing Lines and Eating Saltfish at "Morgue Hall Bar & Grill" (3/5) Club Reviews Chaotic Crowds and Vibrant Vertigo at 'Cloud Nine' (3/5) Biting the Bank Fee and Leaping Into 'The Vault' (4/5) Rave Perfection in the Underworld at 'The Crypt' (5/5) Shop Reviews Summoning the Season of the Witch at 'Seekers' (4/5) Bar Reviews Snagging a Street-Style Sugar Rush at "Lola's" (4/5) 'Pork Whistle' Liquored Me Up & Stole My Heart (5/5) Real Underground Cocktail Hours at 'The Republic' (4/5) Diving into Games at 'The Diving Board Pub' (3/5) Spiked Coffee, Flying Chairs, and Hot Dads at 'The Big Puffa' (4/5) Politics Guide Coleman Fund Donors Ranked by Susness Who the Hell are the Party Chairmen? Noah Wade's Shadow Senate Fails Vote in Actual Senate Which Senator is most likely to have six mistresses on rotation? A Street Interview with Jonathan Spencer Rumour Has It Hank Preston is on a Moral Crusade! Partygoer Drugged with Embalming Fluid at Diamond Resort Halloween Bash! Historical Archives 2020 2020 Mayoral Election Flash Coverage! Low Standards 2020: Your Guide to the Local Let-downs Post-Erection: The 'Winners'- Where are they now? Election Guide: What the Fuck is a Manjot Singh? In My Sights: Cover Charges Grapeseed Graphic Design Fail! Club Review: The Malibu fucking owns (5/5) Club Review: Hi-Five for 'Hi-Men' (5/5) Club Review: The Holy 'Trinity': Drinks, Dicks, and Diabetes. (4/5) Dining Review: Exclusively Packed, Noisy, and Sweaty Dining at "Nobu" [2/5] Dining Review: Vegetarian Glee at 'Lettuce Be' (4/5) Store Review: 'Pharaoh' didn't burn my fucking face off! (4/5)
  8. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Parro-D: Stone Persons of Los Santos - Slater x Stone Man XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  9. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Survey Says: Can Popularity be Bought? A Face Browser Deep Dive (FaceBrowser Logo courtesy of FaceBrowser.com) We've all got our vices. Some of us adore a few too many dirty martinis, others enjoy a little ciggy every now and then, dark chocolate sneakily snacked on in office corners, binge-eating ice-cream while binge-watching Netflix, thrill-seeking ad nauseum.... everyone, and I mean, everyone has their vices. But seldom do any of these vices hold our attention for over hours and hours a day and this is where the vice of social media consumption takes center stage. FaceBrowser is arguably the most popular social media website in Los Santos and for all of the complaints and dismissals it may receive in the the booths of holier-than-thou coffee shops, it is still a pilgrimage site for popular public figures to maintain at least the illusion of accessibility and for users to increase their public profile via the platform. As someone who works in Public Relations, I can say with some authority that as blasé as we may wish to be about our oft problematic fave, FaceBrowser, it still holds a significant market share on the attention of Los Santans and is therefore a super-duper important tool for up-and-coming models, business owners, and politicians. This means it's really important to examine it with some hard hitting questions. FaceBrowser, like Twitter before it, has a Blue Check Verification system which in theory denotes users as holding meaningful significance to the general public or a notable public recognizability and awareness. But, even more like Twitter, this verification can be purchased by users albeit at a fairly exclusive price tag. This whole arrangement made us here at the Los Santos Vixen curious. Who is behind it? How effective is the verification system? Does it come with real benefits to popularity or algorithmic prioritization? Who is getting liked the most? Let's knock some of these questions out. Using SCIENCE! First things first, who is behind FaceBrowser? How is verification determined? (An artists depiction of Face Browser Corporate Meetups) Easy answer, shitty answer. Nobody really knows, babes. Literally the worst thing for a journalist to find is a shroud over information, but even an absence of information can give us some insight. I'll basically try to look at this from the angles of both the Pros and Cons of this arrangement and maybe we can land somewhere in the middle. So first off, "Pros". whomever at FaceBrowser Corporate are responsible for the filtration of content which can include content deletion and they are also responsible in some capacity in the verification process. Thus one perspective in looking at this lack of transparency as to their corporate identities is that it is important in maintaining their safety from disgruntled users who disagree with their judgements or sus users who may try to bribe or sway them unduly in their decision-making. I totally get the above and especially when there are users who actively attack other users both online and in person, the safety of the Corporate employees is incredibly important and should be heavily factored in here. On the other hand, the "Cons". Because FaceBrowser Corporate ensures their security, we are unable to ascertain how many there are and how diverse they are. When verification systems rely on individuals judging the significance and meaning of users contributions to society and their popularity, if FaceBrowser Corporate leans more in... let's say, Rockford Hills residencies, it might not hold the most objective reads on someone with sweeping popularity in East Los Santos. Similarly, if FaceBrowser Corporate is predominantly from the City might be less likely to verify users popular in Blaine County. Any potential political, racial, or less overt biases then can't be ascertained or examined by the general public and if they exist they can't be pressured to correct them. If you're like me, you're landing on a big question mark instead of a middle ground here. I think I'm going to ahead and call it morally grey and leave formal judgements to my adoring readers. But what's the big deal? Does Verification matter that much? Let's get to questions we can actually answer. Does Verification Matter? It's Data Time, NERDS! 💻 Because FaceBrowser lacks some amount of transparency on this question, the Los Santos Vixen decided to not send emails and wait for boring corporate responses designed to cover corporate asses. The Los Santos Vixen decided to get nerdy. A survey conducted by my consulting agency, VIX Life Coaching & Public Relations, recruited 30 study participants, 19 females and 10 males, which is a decently representative sample size. Their ages ranged from 19 to 43 years of age and 96.7 percent of participants were active Face Browser Users. As you'll see below they weren't tricked by the fake names thrown into the mix which tells us they were honest in their assessments of whether they recognized certain users over others. The profiles picked were based on FaceBrowser's search feature and which users come up when you search A, B, C, and D. down the line. It included a mix of Verified Users which are highlighted in yellow and Non-Verified users who aren't highlighted at all. This means we also get some insight into how FaceBrowser prioritizes profiles in their on-site search engine. (Wow. This is a chart. Fab, love that for me.) Long story short, Verified Users only had a 9.61 % boost to Recognizability by the average user. Ten percent can go a long way, but when we look at profiles above 60% percent Recognizability (as in over sixty percent of users reporting the name of the user as familiar to them), we can see it's split even! It's five Non-Verified Users to five Verified Users. The data also shows that of the profiles of the tippy-top recognizable users are Non-Verified with Prestige Supermodel and Sandal-Lawsuit Endurer, Giorgia Polchi, sharing the top spot with the infamous street-fighter character and gossip blogger NoKizzyLizzy of the Babe Room. What's the lesson we can learn here? While the Verified users trended upwards by about ten percent in recognizability... to attain true recognizabe status you must either endure a large scale lawsuit with a major fashion brand after a starry career in prestigious modeling or you must run a blog and engage in overly public fist fights with every single human who makes you slightly mad on the internet. I don't make the rules here, babes, I'm just going by the science. Who gets the most likes though? Gimme RANKINGS! 🔥 For this final bit of juicy juicy info on the inner workings of FaceBrowser, the Los Santos Vixen partnered with another data nerd working for, the Los Santos Car Marketplace, a soon to be released Car Marketplace, for some answers. Yes, it's odd that we found a data scientist at a car marketplace, but just mentally write it off in the same weirdness range as the Michelin Tire Company successfully rating restaurants and becoming super-duper prestigious enough to grant Michelin Stars that hold value. Our source compiled the lifetime Like statistics since the platform began and ranked the Top Ten Most Liked Pictures. Needless to say, we can sum up the entirety of these by saying "pretty girl make you click button." Let's focus on our mission however. Only two of the top ten liked pics are by Verified users. One is the CEO of Prestige, Ashley Hendricks, and the second is Raen DeJaeger the head of Prestige's subsidiary and an independently-operated photography studio, We Studios. The user with the most amount of likes, Heaven, is Non-Verified and affiliated with Diversify Magazine which as an organization also snags two spots on the top ten list. (Face Browser's AI interpretation of common human behaviors) All in All Woosh, that was a lot of info. This is definitely a blog post for the nerdier or more terminally online among us, but I must cater to all sorts of audiences, darlings. What have we tangibly learned here? FaceBrowser as an entity and corporate actor is shrouded in mystery and that has distinct pros and cons. Verification may boost public recognizability by almost 10 percent, which isn't bad, but questionable as to whether it's worth the purchase. Top Users in the various categories are Non-Verified and seemingly overwhelmingly recognized based on either having careers in the public eye, publicized scandals, or content that could be considered sexualized. Am I saying that any of this is bad? Am I passing moral judgements? Fuck no. I day drink throughout State Senate sessions and am literally a professional Drama Hag. I have zero say in whether any of this is good or bad. My whole gig here is to run like a little cute doggy to information and nestle it in my jaws and waggle my tail back to you fuckers and let you internalize and judge the info for yourselves. Woof woof. Gimme a treat. Vixen Out. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  10. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Bar Review: Snagging a Street-Style Sugar Rush at "Lola's" (4/5) (Located in Vespucci. Photocred: Jenna Song) Rating: 💋💋💋💋 Find out what Four Kisses means here. Life in Los Santos is very similar to the experience of a Sour Patch kid (or the infinitely superior Warheads that can remove a layer of skin from your tongue if you eat too many. Don't ask how I know that.) It starts out sour and then it sometimes ends up sweet. It was a chilly winter day when we had our brief allowance of snow from the weather gods when I saw a beacon in Vespucci. No, it wasn't a skinhead bar. No, it wasn't a skate shop. Alas it would be a sweet surprise in it's own unique way. I entered from the winter chill into Lolas and life was sweet. Ho-ly shit. Decorated to perfection, on brand, ON BRAND, ON. BRAND. 🛹 (The space is maximalist street-style with a candy coating. Photocred: Jenna Song ) First off, we're in Vespucci. A former cultural powerhouse for street style, skateboarding culture, and the laid back art scene. Sure it's seen better days, but Loia's reminds of what those better days actually look like. It's a maximalist street style that's raw, authentic, and most importantly playful. The mixture of a candy shop and street-style is so bonkers to me in the best way possible. Let's be very real here, it's a fucking risk to theme your place out with a unique style, it's high risk and high reward but also majorly bad consequences if the theme is too abstract or not executed well enough. High risk. High reward. This is me rewarding whoever designed Lola's because it is sickening in the best way. You can sit on a toxic waste container and suck on a lollypop while sipping a cocktail and isn't that what Los Santos is all about. Aww. ARCADE! ARCADE! And plenty of varied seating for all KINDS OF GROUPS! 🤖 (FUN CORNERS! COZY CORNERS! YES! Photocred: Jenna Song) So once you walked in and got visually stunned, the practicality of the place begins to shine. The line moves fast, the drinks are made to order (and we'll get those in our final section) and there is no shortage of things to do! I am a fucking nerd, babes, let me let that cat out of the bag. When I saw the Arcade I made a noise that was unnatural and extremely born from excitement. Me and Jenna played Tekken and I WON which I will partially credit to Lolas bar for giving me the atmosphere and the sugar rush I needed to reign victorious over a difficult opponent. The seating is super ideal ranging from sit-along benches along the center-piece, two seater high-tops for dates, and of course the huddly spaces for groups of nerds. Each booth has it's own candy machine of course. I wouldn't expect anything less. And now.... for the SUGAAAAR-RUSSSSSH! 🍨 (Lola worked the day we went and served up signature cocktails! Photocred: Jenna Song) Now we get to the menu of signature cocktails. This will not be a surprise at all to anyone but the signature cocktails are sweet and sugary. There's a Bubblegum Pina Colada, there's one with an entire chocolate bar in it! This is basically a dream if you have a sweet-tooth, and I absolutely do. BUT, Oh... no... is that a but, yes it is a but. As much as I ADORE sweets, there is such thing as too much of a good thing. The only area preventing me from giving this a final kiss is for the signature cocktails to expand a little to include some other flavor profiles. They can still be dessert-y, for example, an Espresso Martini with Dark Chocolate Mocha elements would be a sort of bitter, refined sweetness. Perhaps a Salted Caramel and Baileys moment might also deepen some of these really cool flavor concoctions. Again, this is not a problem by any stretch of the imagination. This is an area where really cool exploration and growth can happen and I know it's possible because of the excellence this spot is hitting in all other areas. ALL IN ALL The Vixen's a tricky sort babes. When you impress me, my bar rises to meet what I'm seeing. I am so happy to see a place in Vespucci beach of all places meet my standards in so many areas. Could it use a small expansion to the signature cocktails menu? Sure, whatever. Is it a fucking fun place to go and have a unique drink and kick your friends ass in an arcade game? Fuck yes. Finally, any place that replaces a former skinhead storefront is a place that I am happy to provide my money towards. Good work Lola, sweet place! XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  11. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Rumour Has It: Hank Preston is on a Moral Crusade! (A living saint.) Rumour has it THAT Hank Preston had the latest edition of Diversify censored because he's allegedly afraid of the corrupting effect of artistic nudes (that don't even show hole, wild). The LS Vixen thought it would be wise to gain insight from this paragon of morality and wisdom. So what we did was checked who Hank is actively following on Facebrowser so we can could show you some quotes from a little Face-Browser based interview alongside some of the profiles he's made the choice to follow the content from. Maybe if we look for the sort of sanitary, kind, and moral content that he watches online, we can understand his intent in moving heaven and earth to censor an article on a fucking homeless shelter. Let's dig in! Hank gives us insight into how we ought to resist temptation, flanked by the titties and girl on girl action he must see when he logs into Face Browser. But he's not just seeing chaste boudoir photography on his feed, he also seems supportive enough to follow these small businesses. Wow, he's really... diverse in who he follows and whose content he has access to online. But, Vixen, he must be concerned about others more than himself! You are absolutely right, me. Turns out while Hank Preston was very intent on removing an innocent and quality interview with a local doctor under the cities employ because there were tasteful images of models not even showing nips, cock, or genitalia. So surely, he's leading by example right? Right? He'd never have his image associated with anything that might have a corrupting effect on the youth, RIGHT? (Jesus fucking Christ, Hank.) ALL IN ALL Now obviously I'd never assume Hank approved of this bookshop using his likeness to shill copies of Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf, but maybe if he was less focused on both censoring a private media company, controlling other peoples images and content consumption he would be able to be more focused on... ASKING THE BOOKSHOP TO NOT USE HIS NAME AND IMAGE TO SHILL NAZI BOOKS. In short. Fuck censorship. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  12. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ LS Vixen Podcast: Episode 2 "New Years, New Fears" Episode Transcript: XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  13. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ A Vixen's Guide: To Forgiveness and Letting Go (Imagine a world with less grudges, pettiness.... how nice would that be?) Hiya, sunshines. Woosh, I don't know about you but I'm still recovering from a festive New Years. I managed to finally emerge from the dancing confetti-fest at about seven PM yesterday and - yeesh... does it have my head in a tumble of emotions, excitement, and optimism. You see, dear readers, there's something I try to do each and every New Year that helps me keep my head clear and my heart open. I'm not saying I'm super perfect at it, but I can say that making it part of my monthly self-care practice and yearly New Years celebration has made me a more patient and kind person. Holding onto anger, regret, guilt, or a grudge can eat away at you. Even when you try to crush it down and pretend it's not there, it is there and it's burning a hole through your mind and stomach. It can make you snappier and rude to the people around you who don't deserve the heat. It can warp your perspective of reality, making true and lasting friends into threats who may reveal your inner rage at any moment, it can warp a true sense of hope into a dreary sense of despair. There's really only one solution. And it's forgiveness. But it doesn't happen at the snap of a finger. Sometimes we can say the words in our head but feel no change- that's entirely normal. True forgiveness takes time and examination. So I thought I'd provide you a Vixen's Guide into how I generally approach the beautiful and liberating practice of forgiveness and letting go. Sometimes, The Call is Coming from Inside the House 😲 Take a deep breath. In and out. Good. Okay, so sometimes when human beings have regrets and guilt towards their own history of slip-ups or perceived inadequacies, we can sometimes apply it to others in a process called Transference. This is just a fancy word for putting those feelings onto external targets because it's easier sometimes to detest and reject other people rather than to look inwards and risk detesting and rejecting ourselves. But, sunshine, there's a trick to this. I think if we look inside at the parts of ourselves we need to forgive ourselves for, we can lower the emotional weight we put onto dynamics with others! As I said, I know forgiveness isn't a matter of snapping your fingers and being suddenly okay. It is a process. When looking inside to forgive yourselves, I want you to carefully and clearly think. 'How much control did I have?' 'What was my mental state at the time?' 'Was I under any external distress?' and more importantly, 'What could I have done better?' After you've answered all of those questions in a loving way, the way a nurturing force might, you will be left with a clearer picture of the things you tend to blame yourself for and even a potential different way of handling future situations like it. Remember, we cannot edit the past, we can only change the way we approach things now and in the future. Forgiving Those Who Are Gone. 👻 So we've looked inside, saw some things we might want to forgive ourselves for, and even maybe examined areas where we were wronged by others in the process. But what if those people are no longer around? What if they've moved, died, or are just someone we are no longer able to contact for one reason or another? Will we forever be unable to provide them forgiveness and release ourselves from that particular shade of pain and anger? In my opinion, no. I think we can still try to forgive those who have left our lives. And here's the really somewhat fucked up part. I think we should even release ourselves from the fury against people who absolutely deserve your anger. At a certain point, when we realize that balled up anger and sorrow only hurts us more, it becomes clear that holding onto rage further connects you to people who have hurt you. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin and they connect and link you to the targets of that passion. If you've got a few folks in mind who occupy this tricky space in your heart and mind, I recommend wholeheartedly that you write them a letter. Make it personal. Speak from your heart. And pour everything into it, because they won't be seeing it directly. Once you've written about the dynamic, the hurt you've held, and the anger and sorrow in equal measure, end the letter by declaring you release yourself from the animosity. Now comes the big trick. You are going to burn that letter. You'll find a safe place and you'll set a (legally sanctioned) fire, you'll take some deep breaths and read over the letter a final time before setting it into the fire and letting it burn away. While we cannot snap our fingers and forgive ourselves or others in an instant, we can make the process physical. As the days go by and you forget the exact wording of the letter, it provides you a measurable distance from you and the grief and allows you to see how much you've grown from it since. B-but Vixen, what if I can talk to the person I want to forgive? 💋 If the person or people you want to forgive are still in your life and you have a level of communication that is non-toxic and relatively clear, it's important to approach the topic in the right place and at the right time. I still recommend approaching after examining yourself for areas in need of self-forgiveness, but once you've cleared that it's time to communicate effectively with the person in question. For more general communication skills, see A Vixen's Guide: To Communicating Clearly Without Fucking Up But for particularly this Vixen's Guide, I'm going to go down a specific approach. First off, you're going to want to articulate to the person that emotions are non-voluntary and that the emotions you're feeling may not be necessarily super rational or logical, but that you still are feeling them and that out of respect for the friendship, you'd rather put it out there rather than keep it bottled up. You'd be very surprised how receptive most people are to this kind of clear communication and it relieves them of a lot of pressure of having to defend themselves. Once that's out of the way, discussing the thing that hurt you is next on the agenda. It's always wise to position it as: "When you did/said _____, I felt _____." If you think the event that caused you pain was unintentional, you can mention that logically you understand the person isn't to blame, but your involuntary emotions have a different take on it. ideally if the person is a solid friend or a kind soul, they will apologize for causing you pain whether it was voluntary or non-voluntary. If this person is unable to apologize for one reason or another, or if you don't feel like you were heard or seen in the discussion, never fear. You can always go back to the second section of this blog post and go through the process outlined there. What if I just don't want to think about it anymore? 🥺 Entirely fair, babe. All I'm going to say is that usually the more we don't want to think about something and the more we push it off to the corners of our minds, the scarier it seems to look at, to address, and to feel. In reality, if we engage in regular self-examinations and rounds of forgiveness towards the self and others, it doesn't seem so scary to look at because of all the times we've looked at various pains and survived in the past. The best way to set the hurt behind you is to face it, name it, and go through a real process of forgiveness. Now you have a couple of solid tactics at your disposal and all that's left is to do it. lf you still end up having some lingering feelings that won't go away after all of this, there's zero shame in going to therapy. It's something I try to do once a month to keep myself happy, healthy, and clear-minded. It's the best gift I could provide myself. For 2024, consider providing yourself a better gift than a new car or a resolution to lose weight. Consider providing yourself peace of mind. It'll make your world a sunnier place.. Love you, cuties. ❤️ XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  14. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ LS Vixen Podcast: Episode 1 "Christmas Wishes" Episode Transcript: XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  15. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: Marvelous Pastries & Toasty Coffee at "Vespaio Cafe" (4/5) (Located in Clinton. Photocred: Jenna Song) Rating: 💋💋💋💋 Find out what Four Kisses means here. The snow has fallen. Seasonal Affective Disorder reigns in the corridors of our fair city and the cure outside of blazing up in your apartment with some good souls has to be getting out. Getting through the snow and finding cozy places to chitter-chatter and hang out at. Some businesses flourish in the chilly winter as it drives people to find shelter. Others have a tough time drumming up a crowd that's willing to brave the winter chill. Cafe Vespaio seems to fall into the flourishing camp as that's where I found port in the proverbial and literal winter storm. The Decor is cozy and festive, a killer combo. Not ground-breaking, but who cares! 💮 (What you see when you arrive at Cafe Vespaio. Photocred: Jenna Song ) The Christmas decorations are divine. The space is open, bright, and airy and it brightened up my mood immediately. This isn't a huge sprawling space and it doesn't need to be. It's a space where I feel comfy getting a coffee, a pastry, and taking a seat to seek a little comfort. Is the décor absolutely revolutionary? No. Does it really need to be? Nah. I feel like this place is a wonderful canvas structured excellently for what it's designed to do. I do wonder what it will look like without the festive cheer and whether it might go into the range of too sterile however. Clean white aesthetic is phenomenal especially with toasty wooden floors, but I'll check in once the seasonal décor has shifted to see if they replace the colorful splashes with something that stands out from the rest of the café scene. Fast service and warm corners to make friends in! 🍃 (Another angle of the toasty-festive cafe! Photocred: Jenna Song) With that said, the rest of this review is fairly glowing. The crowd vibe was similarly minded warmth-seekers, popping in from the snowy city to warm themselves with freshly ground coffee. We'll talk fare in the next section, but the flow of the space is really admirable. The man at the counter managed a speedy turnaround from when I ordered to when I received my goodies and during this busy morning the line never spanned more than four people max. The line also didn't form through any inconvenient areas, naturally forming around the tree which kept the space clear and kept those standing neatly away from those cozying up on the seats. This shows a functional design aesthetic that I adooore. A majority of the seating are four-seater booths with a couple of two-seaters dashed in around the entrance. I think this is mostly fine as it forces people to share a little coffee space and brings the potential for making new friends. This actually happened, I met a lovely young journalist who is just cutting her teeth with some grim but true articles on Face Browser. Shout out to Yassy ❤️ And this is the magic of places with solid and functional design aesthetic and cozy corners. It can literally create space where friendships are forged and strengthened. My sappy side loves it. She's got PASTRY RANGE! Italian pastry heaven! 🍽️ (A pastry selection to die for. Photocred: Jenna Song) Ho-ly shit, this place has every Italian pastry known to man. Sfogliatella (Lobster Tail Shaped Pastries), Panna Cotta, and Crostini for days. The warm drinks are only fifty bucks. And when I purchased a Charcuterie Board and a Latte, it totaled to $200 bucks. When I say this place is inexpensive, I mean it. And with this range of expertly crafted pastries, it's a recipe for me going up a dress size for the winter and loving every moment of it. The food is fresh, well-crafted, and sufficient for a good lunch or breakfast date. There isn't more to say about their offerings, it's quality. Try it. ALL IN ALL My measure of a cafe is how I feel when I'm leaving. My face was warm, my belly was full, my blood addled with glorious glorious caffeine. I saw people I know and love there so I had that warmth going on as well. I left with less stress and more energy and excitement than I arrived and for that I am more than happy to give them four kisses. The fifth kiss I will hold in my back pocket until the winter chill thaws and I can see the versatility of the space. Always wise to keep them striving. Stay hot, stay kind, and most importantly, stay tuned. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  16. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Survey Says: Minors are Literally Dying in the Streets According to LEOs & Medical Responders. Is a Solution in Sight? (Photocred: Jenna Song) Duuuuuude, what the fuuuuuck? I know. Super-duper serious article time. Bear with me, I think it's worth talking about. Let's set the scene. Flash. You're at a Car Show at 2:00 AM having fun. A thirteen year old boy tries all the doors on your car to no avail as a girl from the group of children tries and fails at distracting you by challenging you to a footrace (Girl, I'm literally in heels. No.) A cop car drives by and scatters them. You leave and get a call from a friend who stayed behind. It turns out a massive brawl broke out a mere two minutes after you left. Flash. You're buying smokes at the 24/7 at midnight. The sixteen year old boy in line in front of you is yelling at the 19 year old cashier to give him cigarettes. She doesn't want to lose her job, but she doesn't want to lose her life. You decide to stay until the boy leaves and then escort the cashier to her car only to see the boy getting attacked by street thugs. You and the girl make it out safely, if a bit shaken and call the police to help the boy. Flash. You're covering a crime scene. An 11 year old boy in ratty clothes is roaming the roadway trying to throw himself into oncoming traffic. Is he suicidal? Is he trying to get a warm bed and meal at Pillbox Hill Medical Center? Who knows. The police intervene and he leaves your sight but not your mind. These stories are not uncommon. They are just a slice of the experiences I've had in this city and you've probably had your own. The final incident I mentioned stuck with me though and triggered something deep down in my icy cold heart. I needed to know how bad the problem is and if there are any real solutions our government can actually do to stop it if there is an issue. So I sent a six question survey to the Los Santos Police Department, the Los Santos Sheriff's Department, Pillbox Hill Medical Center, and the Los Santos Fire Department to see how deep the rabbit hole goes and what they're take is on a potential solution to the problem. Who did the LS Vixen ask and what is their level of experience? So I first asked a question to figure out who I was talking to. Mostly Law Enforcement Officers (LEOs) responded from the Sheriff's and Police Department. We did get a solid 26 percent of the survey responding from the Medical Responders perspective which is really important when we talk about the gruesome results of interactions with minors by emergency responders. The second question could have killed the article before it was made. If the responders had rare interactions ("Yes, once or twice" or "No, never") when asked if they've ever witnessed or responded to incidents involving a minor being harmed, then we wouldn't have much of a problem to explore. Eighty one percent of those asked have responded to calls or witnessed incidents involving minors being harmed. These two questions established that I was surveying the people with the experience relevant to answering the deeper questions. Adult Guardians for Minors are Nearly Non-Existent. To get an idea of current trends, I asked responders whether an adult guardian was present the last time they responded to a call involving a minor. Eighty six percent of the first responders said no adult guardian accompanied the minor in the last incident, leaving only 5% of responders indicating some form of adult guardian was present. But that's just the last incident they recall. I wanted to know more. The next question asked them how often they encounter adult guardians with the minors that they interact with. A whopping ninety-four percent of responders indicated that almost never or rarely is an adult guardian present at the time. So what did we learn from these two questions? Well. The kids we see every day in the streets are usually unchaperoned. Lacking adult guidance and supervision, they're more likely to get involved in dangerous scenarios that lead them into interactions with emergency services and then have to navigate those interactions on their own. Without this guidance, LEOs and Medical Staff are forced to play babysitter for unchaperoned kids involving themselves in risky situations and it likely leads to some delays in responding to other emergency services. But it's not just a slow-down in emergency response times that's the risk here. There's a big fucking risk that I had to ask about. Are these kids safe? Kids are Fucking Dying. Guys, I'm going to be real with you. I don't have a funny haha joke for this shit. Fifty-seven percent of emergency responders indicate that Minor fatalities are "Often" or "Almost always" involved in these types of calls. Only fifteen percent of responders indicated Minor fatalities were rare or almost never happened in their experience. That is fucking insane. This reveals that half the time these folks are called onto scenes involving minors, it involves the death of the child. We established above that these kids are mostly unaccompanied by adults and the consequences are often enough death before they get a chance to actually live their lives. This is deeply fucked up. But is there anything that can be done? Survey says.... Most First Responders Support a Citywide Curfew. I've spoken extensively to sources within the Police Department, politicians, and civilians about this problem and one solution that kept getting brought up in casual conversation was some form of city-wide curfew for minors in order to make sure in the late hours of the night they aren't wandering into their own deaths or causing the deaths of others. Seventy-six percent of responders supported a curfew as a possible solution to this problem. And when we just look at medical first responders a little over half of them agree that a curfew might help curtail the amount of kids dying in the streets. All in All I know this is different from my usual content. I know it's super-duper serious and kind of sad. I'm not blind or deaf to the tone shift here. But I have a platform, I have the best readers in Los Santos, and I am a complex Vixen with complex tastes. When we've got politicians running for office on vague issues, I want to smash their face into a paper that shows a real fucking problem and have them create real fucking solutions. None of this charity mingling bullshit, none of this vague Red Versus Blue posturing. They can fuck off with all of that nonsense. Police Officers and EMTs are not childcare workers and they are not babysitters. We have real problems. They have real consequences. We demand real solutions. Vixen Out. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  17. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Media Review: E01 'Fischer', the Los Santos Sitcom I Didn't Know I Needed (Title Sequence from 'Fischer') Heeeey cuties! I'm back from both Spain and Germany after some glorious vacation time and I'm immediately back in the hot chair ready to serve you up something tasty. Given the fact that I've been practically pickled in gin, toasted by the Mediterranean sun, and now have the brain surface of a smooth, smooth bowling ball, I decided to go easy on myself and deliver you a review of the latest Sitcom released this past Sunday. Here's my breakdown of everything you need to know about Episode 1 of 'Fischer' titled "Washed Up" (Markus Fiskum as Mark Fischer and Mitchell Holt as Eric Fischer) The Cast! 😺 The first episode is chock full of the wacky domestic happenstances of a regular Los Santan by the name of Mark Fischer (Markus Fiskum) and his brother Eric Fischer (Mitchell Holt) and guest stars the vaguely eastern European appliance repairman Darko (Robert Kardum). The performances are what you'd expect from a Sitcom. That includes sitcom's signature M.O. of rapid fire jokes that are often corny, suggestive, funny, and goofy. There's also a surprising reliance on physical comedy in both exaggerated expression and signature LS-style reactions to every day events. Physical comedy is one of those lost arts that had been perfected by the likes of Groucho Marx so it's always wonderful to see it innovated on in the modern day. Honestly, I really enjoyed the characterization work the writer and actors put into these roles and they feel like real goofy dudes who could definitely be found in our weird city. The costumes designed by Stella Elomaa also are fitting for each character and I'd like to shout out her design of Eric Fischer for drip levels that are en pointe. ( ("No." - Darko) Snappy Pacing ! 🔮 The whole pilot is around five minutes with one short commercial break smack dab in the middle. This isn't a long production which is good because the attention span of this entire city is that of a toddler with ADHD stuck inside of a tumble-dryer. The one kiss of death I think this could have had is if it dragged on for too long, but 'Fischer' avoided this fate by keeping the jokes rolling and the shots shifting at a pace that keeps the viewer exposed to the next kicker as soon as the previous one triggers the canned laughter we all have come to know and love. I think my only note in the negative red ink pen was that the dryer sequence might have gone on slightly too long, but this is a minor point and didn't impact my overall enjoyment. The camera work is fun and almost acts as an extra character that draws our attention to both the well-crafted set and to the physical comedy these actors embodied throughout the pilot. (Great character dynamics and a genuinely funny begging scene.) Vixen's Hightlights! 💋 Alright so my highlights are twofold. One is how Darko resolves the payment issue in the most LS way possible. I don't do spoilers so you'll have to see that yourself. Secondly, I loved loved loved the physical comedy when Eric begs to move in with his brother. A-Plus material right there. The dynamics between actors are light-hearted, fun, and genuine. This is pretty big when you realize the main character is also the director which is rarely a feat that works out so seamlessly. (Vinewood Pictures Logo) ALL IN ALL The role of a Sitcom is to take us out of our everyday boring humdrum reality and briefly give us a glimpse into a silly, doofusy, goofy nonsense reality where the mundane aspects of our world are punctuated by humor and absurdity. 'Fischer' managed to do that and the entire cast and crew deserves credit for executing this concept with Los Santos, not as a backdrop. but as a living, breathing character in Mark Fischer's world. It's Los Santos' first locally produced sitcom and I really find that fact to be fun and heart-warmy. It's an easy watch and reminds me the sitcoms I grew up watching with my family. I think a lot of audiences will connect with that feeling of nostalgia and be pretty happy with how it connects to their current everyday life. This isn't super serious. I don't need to read the books before I watch like I did with Game of Thrones. It's a good Sitcom and it made me happy. That's all. Looking forward to future hijinks from these nerds. If you'd like to tune in or check it out, here is the link to their Face Browser page. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  18. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Media Review: Vixen's Choice for LS Movie of the Year goes to C'est La Vie (2023) (Title Sequence from 'C'est La Vie') Hey there besties, so guess what? I was invited to a Movie Premiere for Vinewood Pictures latest release entitled C'est La Vie (2023)! So I slapped on some pearls, slipped into a cute 1920's silver screen look, and brought my trusty notepad to get you the tea on the latest piece of media to hit Vinewood. It goes without saying that Los Santos was once the movie capital of the world. You can see it's rippling effects from the 50's forward as the culture bomb that was the burgeoning motion picture scene influenced media all around the world. Since then. plenty of other cities across our big ole' world have cropped up their own studios with their own razzle-dazzle and Vinewood's been resting on their laurels. Until now. If C'est La Vie (2023) is any indication of future output from Vinewood Pictures, it may mark the big flash we've been waiting for in terms of the resurgence of the Los Santos Film Production glory. That's enough of me rambling. Let's get to why I've chosen this film as my Los Santos Movie of the Year for 2023 (The Movie Premiere crowd in it's glory, getting settled in for the film.) The Premiere! 😺 The Altitude Cinema hummed with excitement as throngs of movie-goers entered to watch the premiere of C'est La Vie. Spotted among the crowd were Newsqueen Carry Saunders, Supermodel Giorgia Polchi, Elder God Dorothy Bagshaw, and many other handsome mugs lining the seats. The premiere audience seemed hungry for something.... anything from the long quiet movie production scene. Couples nustled into eachothers arms, people watched with rapt attention, and a hush was cast on the theater while the crowd took in the melancholic life of Robert (Markus Fiskum) which unveiled itself on the screen. (Robert played by Markus Fiskum and his brother Luca played by Mitchell Holt share a grounding scene in the cemetary.) The Characters ARE the Plot! 🔮 When I first heard of the title, my mind drifted to languid black-and-white French art films where a woman would maybe smoke a cigarette, maybe burn it onto her arm expressionlessly, and then say something miserably poetic in French before an hour of uninterrupted weeping. I am blessed and honored to say this is not a French art film. While the plot does ring deeply sad at points, the plot moves in an arc that has a glimmer and shine of hope throughout the course of it. As you'll see later in my coverage of the Vinewood Pictures Q&A that followed the film, Director Markus Fiskum has a direct and punchy goal with the production of the plot of this film and it's my opinion that it was executed effectively. The characters themselves form the fabric of this story. Robert's sorrow seems all-encompassing in the beginning and Luca's exasperation and frustration with his brother punches through the fog of his sorrow with resounding lines. Piercing. Startling. Jarring. Enough to wake an audience out of what might have become a sense of complacency. Mitchell Holt brings fire and passion to the role of Luca that can't be fabricated by merely going through the motions. It's clear that these men have lived through the often terminal pull of receding from life and its varied experiences and have time and time again pulled one another out. (The moodyness brings the sadgrrl part of my heart so much joy.) Vixen's Hightlights! 💋 While the performances are simultaneously heart-breaking and heart-warming, I have to say that according to my own personal taste, it is the moodyness of the lingering shots throughout the film stand out to me the most. I know I can be a mega-bitch on this blog and that is a fact that does not escape me, dear readers. In truth, I'm as sentimental as the next girly. I love to taste joy, love, passion, and even sorrow. The lingering shots of the city served to create a sense of connection between the personal struggle of Robert with the struggles of thousands who live their lives each day in the same isolated numbness. The lingering sequences of him plugging away at his eternal passion project while segmenting himself from the rest of the world served well to force the viewer to think of how they might be doing the same thing, every single day. It's rare when art can actually make us feel, but I think it's rarer still when art forces us to reflect on our own lives. It's for that sole reason I was so willing to make C'est La Vie, my choice for Los Santos Movie of the Year for 2023. (A Standing Ovation (Above) and the Cast Q&A hosted by Alicia Johansson (Right)) The Q&A! 💋 The credits rolled and people dried their tears. As people began to leap up, the emotionally stirred crowd became a standing ovation and rung out shouts of support for the cast and crew who took the stage for a live Q&A. Below is the full transcript of what was asked and how it was answered: That's enough of hearing from the movie nerds, let's hear from an audience member! The Audience Flash Reaction! 💋 (Former Model, Current Stunner, Felix Brown) I decided to ask a random movie-goer exactly how they felt leaving the theater after watching C'est La Vie to get a more objective hot-take! This was his take! (Vinewood Pictures Logo) ALL IN ALL And there you have it folks, everything you need to know about both the world premiere of C'est La Vie (2023) and the details into the crack hit this movie is destined to become. Between performances and cinematography that stirs the heart and a message that hits home for audiences no matter where they come from and what their struggle looks like, C'est la Vie (2023) hits the pitch and won my heart. If you'd like to watch the film yourself, check local theater listings and check their Face browser page here to gain all the latest updates. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  19. A Vixen's Guide to LS Politics Show me the Money! Hey babes, today on the blog we'll be talking about The Coleman Fund a little. For those of you who don't know, the Deputy Mayor Frederick Coleman decided to start a fund dedicated to helping marginalized people and those who have been neglected by the actual government he Deputy Mayors over. Now, I'm a shady lady, sunshines, but I'm not so shady that I'll look a gift horse in the mouth. I think we can all agree that funding the underfunded parts of the city is objectively a good thing. however, with the way this charity manages to connect and link the major power players in the city? That is too tasty to ignore, baby-dolls! When extremely wealthy people give to a charity run by someone invested with major political power, they are making themselves known to them. They begin to foster feelings of mutual goodwill between them. They get an acknowledgement and a sense of respect in return. All acts of giving provide a kick-back of feel-good PR and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but my job as the LS Vixen is to poke around the people who are currying favor with our Deputy Mayor and sniffing out where they got their millions and what else do they get out of it? Politics Guide: Coleman Fund Gala Donors Ranked by Susness #4: Andrew Brandenburg - $1,000,000 (Andy Brandy back in the Vix!) Bottoming out at number four is Andrew Brandenburg whose donation to the Coleman Fund while substantial is the least sus of all. Andy Brandy is a State Senator and has made past donations to Davis High and other causes. He likes to hold press releases to gain delicious, delicious clout from his very high dollar donations, but honestly babes, if being an attention whore is shady then you can call my ass an Oak Tree with the amount of shade I generate on a daily basis. At best, this is a genuine act of touching altruism and, at worst, it's him simply supporting his own prominent party member's extra-curricular activities. I did my digging and didn't really find anything to suggest weird vibes or quid pro quo energy leaking from this. The most uncharitable view I could see this donation in is that with both a fully fledged State Senator and the Deputy Mayor making efforts outside of government to throw money at problems the government is not fixing, it simply raises the question of why these issues could not be addressed using the tax money we already provide them and accomplish these fantastic initiatives during their work hours. But I'm sure we'll get a fucking parade of excuses during election season so we'll sit on our thumbs till then! Moving on! #3: Edward Ulf - $1,000,000 (A broken man surrounded by cozy servers. Aww.) Here we have the wild Edward Ulf in his natural habitat which consists of a mess of desert-bound server rooms and online comment sections that he simply cannot pry himself from. Former Senator Ulf was a Democratic State Senator for a period of time and the grapevine generously informed me that he was a genuine change agent and an idealist desiring to right the wrongs of this city, one piece of legislation at a time. Unfortunately the interaction with the realities of Los Santos politics left him a broken and bitter man. The sour end of the grapevine also spoke in hushed whispers of a crypto-farm slash IT Company whose day-to-day operations were run in some capacity by an eighteen-year old lover and would send young employees making only commission into dangerous neighborhoods unguarded. Lovers and computers aside, those things just simply add an air of sus, but are at their core nothing terribly substantial. His donation to the fund could well have likely been an act of altruism consistent with his past as an idealist. What is curious is the deep faith he is putting into members of the opposing party to use that money appropriately and fairly. Either Edward Ulf has come a long way since the days of battling with the likes of the ill-mannered and tacky Raul Munoz or he's making nice with some new friends and cozying up for a potential grand re-entrance to the scene. Time will tell all. #2: Lucien Berjouhie - $3,000,000 (Lucien resting upon more money than any human could require) Lucien, oh, Lucien. Where do we begin? Lucien Berjouhie is a rather bearded Eastern-European businessman who scraped up from the smaller communities and built a gambling empire under Euro Corp. Frankly, this guy is as private as you'd actually expect the insanely wealthy to be up until this donation. There's a couple of angles we can examine here. First and foremost, the gambling angle. The gambling laws on the books haven't really been enforced by the government so it's not like he and his business are suffering deeply, but the structure does technically exist so that it could be enforced in the future. By dishing a substantial sum to the Deputy Mayor's pet project, he puts his name and interest in the mind of all the charming, wealthy, and powerful guests who hold political power and who might hold political power in the future. This could lower chances of those laws ever being put into effect or even inspire some legislators to weaken or dismantle them altogether. But let's say that's not the angle. Well, Euro Corp also does some construction work. When the Coleman Fund requires some contractors to build ping-pong game rooms over the ruins of demolished mosques, I'm going to be watching who they call on for that kind of work. If it's Euro Corp, there's a good shot our charming friend Lucien will receive his money back and then some. Finally, I'd be remiss not to add into the susness the fact that the Diamond Casino which is in part run by Lucien is rumoured to have some general involvement with some players in the criminal underworld. Of course these are just rumours and as I very much enjoy not being stuffed into a barrel and dropped in the ocean, I'll leave that there and we'll move onwards! #1: MINOTAUR - Thiago Athanas & Vaughn Karagiannis - $3,000,000 (Thiago Athanas prepares a fine meal at Minotaur; Vaughn Karagiannis pondering existence.) The entire reason this list exists is because the luxury restaurant Minotaur run by Thiago "Tavros" Athanas and whose money is managed by Vaughn Karagiannis was the first big money donor to the Coleman Fund and presented some... let's say... curiosities. Thiago went on a cozy mountain-top hike with Tamara Sage, the Director of Health and Human Services, and Frederick Coleman a couple of months ago. The hike was solid enough for him to come down the mountain with a million dollar check in hand for a charity that had a total of $145,000 bucks in the bank at the time. But hey, charity pitches have happened in weirder places, who am I to judge? Well, when the money is coming from a restaurant that has never opened, it makes a girl curious. I review dining establishments, darlings, so when I saw that the major donor was a restaurant that I nor anyone I know has ever eaten at, I grew curious and hungry! So I went to the website and found they are only open on Wednesdays and that Reservations are Closed. I continued to ask around if anyone had eaten there and all I received were blank stares. I bit the bullet and asked Thiago flat out and he confirmed the restaurant hasn't opened yet. So how does a restaurant with zero dollars in revenue make enough to donate $3,000,000 dollars? The answer is they don't. It was confirmed by both men that they were just filtering their personal funds through the restaurant. On the more optimistic side of the equation, I'd say they're angling for good advertising for their new restaurant. Given the money shuffle, I grew curious on where these men's personal fortunes came from and why the routing number dance. I asked Mr. Athanas if he'd explain a little on how his past work as a fusion restaurant chef and caterer earned him such a magnificent fortune. At first he indicated he'd rather not have the discussion via Face Browser chat (which is entirely fair). When I asked if he'd like to schedule an in person meeting he flat out said that unless I was an IRS Agent, it wasn't happening. Alas and alack, dear readers, I am not a member of the IRS (I do have a soul somewhere in this body of mine) and so my hunt had to end there. His finances linger as a dark forest for us to look at and simply wonder. Vaughn was far more transparent, indicating a series of ventures that culminated in lording over a nightclub. I think it's fair to say it's more or less clear where his contributions came from. We can cast a small side glance noting that Nightclubs and criminality aren't two mutually exclusive concepts in our city, however it would be uncharitable to forge that link in iron with Mr. Karagiannis at this time. Despite the money shuffle, I'm still technically still excited to try their food, provided this article doesn't earn me a perma-ban. Fingers crossed, babes. Honorable Mentions Josély María Rosélis Martínez - $25,000 (The former First Lady of Los Santos gazes lovingly at her best friends.) This honorable mention goes to Josély for hosting the event at her country club known as the GWC (short for Great Wealthy Circlejerk). She managed to host an event that on the surface focused on charitable works but served in large part to charitably brand her as Los Santos' own Mother-Theresa-in-Louboutins all without her ever having to actually interact with a poor person. You have to admire the finesse, babes! I'll also add that her Fundraiser was the key to the Coleman Fund being now at over 10 million in the green. If you ask me the Deputy Mayor and perhaps even the Republican Party could be seen as owing her a strong debt of gratitude. I'll be watching to see how she cashes that in. Gabe Stone & LSI - $250,000 (Gabe without the comfort blanket that is his bullet proof vest.) Look, I could goof on Gabe for wearing bulletproof vests to Church Bake Sales or I could just point at the big glaring issue. The Los Santos Insider attended the rich people circle jerk to cover the story of the Gala. Gabe even wrote an article about it that you can find using your own internet skills. The problem is Gabe and LSI decided to then financially involve themselves with the charity and thus placed themselves into this story. When people donate to a charity, as you can see above, their reputations become linked to the reputation of the charity. Now you might think, "But Vixen, surely this donation will not change the way they cover Coleman Fund related news stories?" Babe, it already has. Nowhere in their gala article where they spoke of its many donors did Gabe disclose his own and LSI's own financial link. We're not asking him to disclose whether or not he's tried to apply for membership at GWC and utterly failed. While that would explain some incentive to breach journalistic objectivity in order to impress a room full of people who decreed him 'not wealthy enough', it's ultimately beside the point. This honorable mention simply and concisely calls for transparency in media reporting and asks him to provide readers a clear understanding of vested interests. Easy peas. All in All Phew. That was a doozy, darlings. I am so glad you read this far. It makes me proud to have such a kind and easy-going audience. Even those I write about have been surprisingly great sports about me calling them douchebags or laughing at them for this and that. I really do want to thank every person who goes into making these articles possible. From my many informants, to my tried and true friends. and last but certainly not least, to those I write about, because if I didn't see their many many flaws, I would have nothing to write about. With respect to the Coleman Fund, while this article did focus on its use as a mechanism for linking high powered politicians with rich folks with mysterious interests and possibly ulterior motives, I do hope the money continues to be spent where people need it most. As of the writing of this article they've spent about a million dollars with a bulk of it going to a publically funded high school. My only worry is that throwing money at problems isn't necessarily the same as solving them and I want to see how these high powered politicians and private sector nerds actually leverage their power to address the root causes of poverty, of drug abuse, and of inequality. Till next time, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  20. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ A Vixen's Guide: To Communicating Clearly Without Fucking Up (Totally real people with real communication skills /s) Hiya cuties! So I've been flourishing in a golden age for the Vixen and I thought long and hard about what brought me to where I am today. Clear. Direct. Empathetic. Communication. It's more than just saying shit when you think about it. Human nature is a delicate balance of give and take and there are intricacies to our language, our posture, and the timing we use when approaching moments of true and honest communication. I'm not going to pretend this is a golden guide to all your communication issues, that'd be like... a whole ass book. But, I do think if you poke around the few points I mention below, you might be able to at least be a little more mindful of how you approach talking to friends, bosses, dates, and even strangers! Let's dig in! Who the HELL do you think you're talking to? 😲 Woah there, subtitle, you're coming in a little hot there. But you make a good point. Who are you trying to communicate with? Knowing who you're talking to and why is the first step, babes. A cardinal rule of thumb for me is that not every conversational topic is for every person. I had a friend named Tina back on the East Coast and given her spate of four divorces she wasn't great at being supportive of me when I tried to date these twin Albino underwear models. From the start, the topic was colored by her own life experiences and perception of love as necessarily leading to heart-ache and grief. Know your audience. Tina was one of the best people to talk to about work stuff and even trouble with my family. She was a phenomenal friend and just because I wasn't interested in talking about boys with her, doesn't mean I didn't cherish our friendship. Scan your friend groups for a second and notice if certain topics bring up the most trouble in those relationships and decide whether that topic ever really has to come up with them or not. What are their strengths and how meaningful is their support in those areas of your life? Finally, there is no one-stop shop. As much as we want to believe there is one person in the entire world we can confide our everything into, human beings deal with their own stuff and if you put all your eggs in one bastard- well. It can burn them out, babe! This is just to say having a diverse and varied group of lovely humans that you truly adore can lead to a mutual support network that is strong and lasting. And I want to emphasize here, there is zero shame in hiring a shrink and putting some of the pressure onto them, it's literally their job and it gives you the vocabulary and perspective to know who to talk to about what for the best quality communication! Defense Mechanism LIMBO!!! 💃 Shake. Shake. Shake. Senora. Shake your body right under the defense mechanisms for the best results. Difficult topics happen, we're not always going to be able to avoid them and avoiding them usually only makes them worse if you want to keep that lovey-dovey human in your sphere. In this household, we appreciate productive confrontation. It's non-aggressive, empathetic, assertive. and most of all solutions oriented. Yes, it can be all of those things at once. When you're talking with people, you've got to understand that different things can put up emotional and mental walls that make people stop listening and start rabidly defending themselves. This can be as subtle as a raised voice creating a sense of anxiety in the other person, an environment that isn't suitable for conversation due to noise or chaos (Lol. I know. Los Santos. But I mean an immediate environment.), and most importantly the words we choose and the timing we use in saying them. Everyone you know has defense mechanisms and coping mechanisms. It's how we survive in Trauma City without completely breaking down. If you're still reading this, I want you to think about the last few times you spoke with your closest friends. Did you vibe any sort of topics that get them anxious or tense? Did they clam up about particular points of discussion when approached about them? Those are prime defense mechanism territory and the best way to slip under them to address the underlying topics they 'protect' is to approach calmly, in a safe place, checking in with them before talking about it to see if there in a good mental place to do so, and to probably have a hot tea or a stiff drink with them. B-but Vixen, how can I go from being a Stumbling-Lad... to being a Smooth-Talking Chad?! 💋 Practice, babe! What you want to do when talking to people you care about is to establish common ground. If I were to bring up a conflict with my boyfriend, there's a solid way I tend to approach it. First off, before this imaginary conflict, I establish at the beginning of any true relationship, friendship, or even work relationship, that I love honesty and communication. I make sure they know they can come to me with any issues that might crop up from the often messy human dynamics that go into being friends with the LS Vixen. By setting that up ahead of time, it makes them more likely to welcome me when I bring up issues, especially given the fact that I re-establish common ground before every tough discussion. Trouble with a lover? If you tell them that you love them deeply, that you know they love you deeply, and that you're both in this for the same goals, it can eliminate the "US VERSUS THEM" mentality that happens when people feel threatened or attacked. Boss calls you in for a review? Reiterate your commitment, own up to mistakes, be humble but own your victories, and you can both leave the meeting feeling like you're on the same team and on the same page. If you find the common ground isn't so common any more and that the person just sees you as a hostile outsider, well there unfortunately isn't much you can do through communication. One of the big lessons is that we can only change the way we express our feelings, we cannot change the feelings and emotions of others ourselves. We can offer opportunities, support, and space, but the minds, opinions, feelings, and dreams of others are in their wheelhouse. Knowing your lane and knowing what is beyond your control can allow you to forgive yourself for things you've inadvertently blamed on yourself and grief that clings even years later. Woah. You went deep there, Vix. 🥺 Fuck off. I can do what I want, me-from-two-seconds-ago. Seriously though, the journey towards clear communication with the people you love can amp up your sex life, your work life, and generally speaking make you someone people want to talk to. I can say from personal experience that I love those in my life who make me feel like I can truly talk to them and be seen and heard. If more people in Los Santos committed themselves to clear communication, it's not silly to imagine we might have a little less division, hatred, anger, and violence. It wouldn't be perfect, but it'd give us a chance to see each other as allies rather than enemies. God, that was fuckin' sappy. I'm gonna go get laid. VIX OUT! XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  21. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: Immaculate Tea & Glorious Vibes at "Jade Cafe" (4/5) (Located in Mission Row, Photocred: Jenna Song) Rating: 💋💋💋 💋 Find out what Four Kisses means here. Hey sunshines! Hope the day is greeting you well, babes! I know I've been writing a lot about Politics given that this is the season of politicking but allow me to sand all the ridges of your brain to form a polished and smooth bowling ball as you read this review. See, one of my goals in town has been to find a go-to spot for warm quality pu'er tea and a sense of grounding. Lo' and behold me and some of my coziest and kindest friends saw that Jade Cafe was open one glorious day and we decided to drop on in. Here's the tea. (Get it, because it's a tea house? God, call me butter cause I'm on a fucking ROLL!) I cannot overstate how thoroughly the decor arouses me physically and spiritually! 💮 (Top tier decor, functional and beautiful seating arrangements, appropriate lighting. I'm in heaven.Photocred: Jenna Song ) First things first. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. The place is a work of art. Every detail is beautifully crafted and the space is configured in such a way that encourages a good sense of flow from when you walk in to when you leave. I have no clue who designed and decorated but they should be getting some form of Interior Design award. The place fully embodies the personality of the offerings and allows the eye to wander from one piece of beauty to another. Floor seating is also ideal as it is very hard to fall if you are already on the ground, thus offering a nice safety feature and a comfy cozy sitting spot for tea sipping. The excellence in design strikes a perfect balance between maintaining visual interest without overloading me with maximalist design features. Major, major props to having a unique beauty of a business in this city. A fine service flow, though could be finer! 🍃 (The staff is wonderful and efficient, Photocred: Jenna Song) Now the process goes, you walk in and order, you wait by the window for your order, you go to sit and eat or sip. Now in practice this works fine albeit it sometimes results in the chefs needing to confirm the order with the guests especially when the place gets busy. In my heart of hearts I know that this place could use a server or two so guests can sit down and settle in. The place rings upscale even if the prices are low and I think they could not only do well to notch up prices slightly if it means table service. I usually do not recommend price raises, as a bonafide penny pincher, but in this case if it meant a bit more time to settle in and take in the beauty of the place I would be happy to dish a little extra! The staff is kind and wonderful and clearly know exactly what they're doing whether behind the counter or the kitchen, zero critique there. Tantalizing Tea and Tasty Things! 🍽️ (The fine finger food is tasty and the tea is perfection Photocred: Jenna Song) I ordered the pu'er tea and the radish cakes but I also snatched a Shrimp Shumai from my bestie, Jenna. Sitting down and sipping the toasty, tasty pu'er tea was a moment of peace and joy in this chaotic city we call Los Santos was glo-ri-ous. Amid the beautifully dim lights I shared a light meal and warm tea with people I love. It was a blessing. The price point being low and affordable was another phenomenal blessing. The radish/turnip cakes were cooked to perfection. As a Dim Sum junkie who has Dim Summed at the best places in Liberty City for years, Jade Cafe easily matches up on quality level and surpasses those places in "bang-for-your-buck" ALL IN ALL The experience of a calm, relaxing, and well decorated tea house in Los Santos is comparatively rare. We have strip clubs by the dozen. "Sleek" modern bars by the thousand, and quick-snag coffee shops by the quintillion. A tea house is a relative rarity so it peaks my curiosity and gains my attention. I am more than happy with Jade Cafe and I look forward to dropping in again for a little snack and sip. With great decor, excellent pricing, kind staff, and tasty offerings, the good outweighs the lack of table service that might otherwise raise the score to it's lofty potential. By all means next time you find yourself in Mission Row, do drop in. You won't regret it, cuties. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  22. A Vixen's Guide to LS Politics A Man, A Plan, A Canal, PANAMA! Hey cuties! As always my goal here in these LS Vixen Politics Guides isn't to jerk off this or that member of our ruling elite, but to boil it down and make it somewhat fun and less mind-numbing to look in on. All of the opinions depicted below are entirely my own and not the opinions of LSNN as a whole and anyone telling you otherwise is a filthy fucking liar and probably shits themselves on a regular basis. Today we're going to be digging in deep on a few angles in our fucked up political system. This baby's got it all. We've got rampant incompetence, we've got politicians feigning senility and illness, we've got deep freeze pods, we've got a Shadow Senate's of unelected officials, and we've got BIPARTISAN drama, which is WAY MORE FUCKING EXCITING than the standard Red/Blue bonkfest we usually see. God it's boring when they do that. With city council elections coming up, it's super important to keep an eye on the fuckery when it happens. To give newbies to politics some idea of who the main characters in this story are before we get into it here's the run down: Politics Guide: Noah Wade's Shadow Senate Fails Vote in Actual Senate (Lieutenant Governor Noah Wade mourning the loss of his Shadow Senate) So babes, we're going deep into our political system today. All I'm gonna say is if you stick along for the ride, I'll be both impressed with you and shocked at your levels of self-masochistic glory. So you know how the Senate's whole jam is to create laws and fix shitty ones, then slap it over to the Executive Daddies to sign into effect? Well, rumour has it, Noah Wade really really really wants them to write whatever laws he wants and edit out whatever laws he doesn't vibe with. Luckily for Noah, his party has a full ass majority of 5 to 2 on the other party (Remember, Seth Andrews is basically in their squad.). So at this point in his tenure as Lieutenant Governor, Wadey thought he would have knocked out WAY more legislation, reshaping the city in his hairy image, and generally completing his vision for his capitalistic lumberjack death penalty utopia or whatever. Unluckily for Noah, he has not had such luck and it's due to one thing. The Deep Freeze. (The possible Deep Freeze Pods under the Senate Floor.) The Deep Freeze Let's say you're a boss and you have employees that have to go to a certain agreed upon place at a certain agreed upon time to do certain agreed upon tasks. Now imagine that approximately half the time they do not go to the certain agreed upon place and they certainly do not do it at the certain agreed up on times to do what the fuck they are literally paid to do. Congratulations, you are actually that fucking boss. We are the bosses for our elected officials, not the other way around and the names listed above with a fucking teal star NEVER FUCKING COME TO WORK. That said, I am an optimist. So instead of me assuming the worst, that they may be simply taking paychecks and skirting responsibility while kayaking or some shit, I am going to be reasonable and assume they are pursuing eternal life through subterranean freeze pods. I think that's entirely reasonable. Now unfortunately for Noah whenever he wants something proposed and passed, the most likely combination of dudes who come to work are two democrats and two republicans. Thus during these sessions when he needs something passed, he has to feverishly press the THAW button located under his desk over and over and over, hoping and praying one of them thaws out fast enough to make it into the room and overrule the dastardly democrats. (Rossi attempting to recover from disappointing Papa Wade.) The Shadow Senate Plan and it's Fucking Failure It turns out Senators who are currently in Deep Freeze are shit at crafting and passing legislation at a rate that's reasonable. Something involving the ice slowing cognitive function perhaps. Either way Rossi and Wade needed a solve, they needed something to streamline things. You see the actual elected Senate is supposed to draft legislation, talk to expert dorks about law, and then vote on that for Wade and Hanky-Panky to execute. They've got this whole boringly named Committee called the Committee for Judicial Review whose entire job is to basically call on nerds to give their hot take on this or that issue, this or that law, and this or that proposal and push recommendations towards the main Senate body. The problem is that committee has some of the Deep Freezers in it so while they might be able to thaw quick enough to vote things in at a Senate Floor vote sometimes, getting them to thaw for committee stuff is a real bitch. So 'Rossi's' plan was to set up a bit of a separate committee, called the Committee for Law Revision and instead of having it filled with elected officials who are supposed to represent our needs, he decided to have it filled with hand-picked un-elected appointments by Noah Wade reflecting the desires of Noah Wade. This Committee would be able to push laws towards the Senate without approval of people we actually fucking elected and then Noah Wade could just mass resurrect whichever member of the Deep Freezers he needed to ram it through to his desk. They rammed this shit through the Committee after thawing out Truman Stein long enough for him to do what his daddy wanted, but Noah Wade had to pretend to be both senile, deaf, and sick in order to stall the committee long enough for him to remove the icicles from his skin and get his ass upstairs. Noah, you are not an excellent actor. Please stick to your day job. Everyone in the room knew what you were doing. It was not subtle in the slightest. Adrian Rossi told the LS Vixen that there is no legislative agenda to this and thus implied that he is indeed just a small bean, a cute widdle guy, and had only the best intentions for trying to give Noah Wade immense power over the legislative schedule and calendar. Maybe he'll comment with some PR gloss up for us to go brain dead reading. Maybe he won't. Who knows? This isn't a Blue Versus Red jerk-fest. Garcia and Brandenburg and Jones are in bipartisan alignment that this was a fucked up tactic to invest the executive branch with waaaaaay more power than it deserves or needs. I'm not a simp for the Dems, I'm not a simp for the Reds. I'm just a blogger and a San Andrean and I find the entirety of this to be insulting. We're not fucking stupid, dickheads. I'm going to make this overwhelmingly clear. If you play little shady games in the private sector, fine. Whatever. It's behind closed doors, it's hard to see, and there's a lot more to insulate you. I don't like it but I get the tactic. Playing this type of game out in the open is deeply, and I cannot stress this enough, deeply embarrassing and shameless. Say what you need to say to make yourselves feel better about this disaster-piece of a plan, but understand that San Andreas has a long memory and so do I. I dare you to try this again when you think we've forgotten. And Noah, if you're reading. The solution here isn't to connive with Rossi to conjure up a new Committee. We don't need another fucking committee. Nobody needs another committee. The solution here is to have people elected who will actually attend to their duties. The legislative band aid isn't going to cut it. Investing yourself with more power isn't going to cut it. A law that states that Deep Freeze motherfuckers have to come to do their job or else they get a review by the ethics committee and some snap-elections for abandoning their duties? That might motivate some freeze pods to thaw real fast. --- And that's all for todays wrap up. If you're one of the sorely embarrassed parties, I encourage you to comment below your preferred spin on the story below. Remember, the more mental gymnastics you ask us to do, the more we'll laugh at you. Keep it cute, babes, XOXO DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  23. A Vixen's Guide to LS Politics Who's Next on the Chopping Block?! As election season ramps up you can expect more of these articles. I think as much as politics can be a real snooze fest, I believe in the power to make it readable, interesting and exciting using only sheer rage, shadiness, and profound psychosexual arousal gained from airing out the shadier qualities of those I write about. But I do not do this solely for my own sick gratification. No, dear readers, I do this for you. The more we know about these people, the less they are able to operate behind the scenes and the less they're able to get away with wasting our money on sky-diving stunts and helicopter sex-games. Without further ado... Politics Guide: Who the Hell Are the Party Chairmen? First things first. Let me tell you what a "Party Chairman" is, because against all odds it's not just a very literal way of referring to a drunk man sleeping in the corner at a house party. So this city has two parties and one pipedream. We have the Republicans, the Democrats, and the "Conservatives". The last one of these doesn't really exist outside of the hallucinations of an elderly man so I won't really be covering that. However the first two are political parties that purport to have different ideals, goals for what they do with the power their given, and very different styles in abusing it. We love to see diversity. A "Party Chairman" basically looks for schmucks throughout the city, identifies whether they'll do whatever the party says, sees if they'll fit in a suit, and slaps them up as a candidate for you to vote for. Sometimes this works out dandy and we end up with a hard worker in office. Most of the time however it's as satisfying as a one night stand with an unattractive gas station attendant. Either way these Party Chairman are supposed to represent the ultimate mega forms of their party. The Mega-Democrat, the Giga-Republican. Let us BEHOLD THEIR GLORY! Nikos "The Living Crash Test Dummy" Karagiorgis The Democratic Party Chairman (They say he has to wheel around an Morphine Drip.) Meet our first schmuck of the day. Nikos is a severely Greek individual who enjoys slathering his body in olive oil, sweltering under the San Andreas Sun, and gorging himself on cheese and olives in the pleasure palace he calls "Pacific Bluffs". When he's not sucking up to wealthy douchebags at the resort he manages, he enjoys getting into every single physical injury known to modern medical science. In the past month alone, Mr. Karagiorgis has been subject to a motorcycle accident, a three-alarm fire, and a house intrusion that collectively has left him a broken, lightly traumatized, and shattered man. One might think having such jarring experiences would inform him of the value and sanctity of his life, especially as he enters election season, but I have been reliably informed he also engaged in sky-diving shortly after. I want to say it's shocking to see a Democrat not learn from past errors, but they're kind of known for watching the same problems happen over and over again and flouncing their hands with a "How could this have happened again?!". Maybe this last shock to the system will help the whole bunch. Probably not. Whether all of this is the result of a mid-life crisis or whether it is a subtle ploy to become so injured that he conveniently enters a coma before the race begins, none can really say for certain. But with the current advances in medical science, we can probably expect future statements from this Democratic Party Chairman to be typed out via subtle eye movements and spoken through a Text-To-Speech system. Non-Existent Entity The Republican Party Chair (You might think this is an empty chair. You would be correct.) Yeah so to the surprise of nobody, they don't have a chairman. There's a few angles here that actually make this non-existent entity a really solid representation of the party and thus, ironically, makes for an excellent Chairman. So on the up-side, I want to laud Republicans on their consistency. Rumour has it, a lot of the recent problems in the Senate have come from their Senators never actually being seen in their Districts and I think that this sort of avante garde artistic choice to have a vacant chair is an accurate representation of how they've appeared to constituents in K-Town or the East District. (Read: Not at all) They vacated the chair after the last chairman began to crusade against the gays or whatever. Honestly, babes, I'm torn. If they fill the chair, it'll be some schmuck in power which would at least give me something to work with here. But if they don't, they're showing great consistency by neglecting another of their crucial duties. I'm unsure if this is a win/win or a lose/lose. I think I just want a mimosa and move on. Frank O'Shea The Republican Party Vice Chairman (Oh Christ... really?) So I felt it might not have been entirely fair to roast an empty chair so I guess, uh, yeah... Frank will do. Frank O'Shea is the husband of Branch Goodwater, one of the Senators whose activity in district is limited (but to my personal observation is growing more frequent). Frank used to be a Doctor but soon got very tired of helping people and decided to marry a wealthy cop sugar daddy and really dive head first into that whole Log Cabin Republican lifestyle. Look, uh, I'm doing my best here. I think the most I could squeeze on this guy is that he landed his helicopter in a golf course which is weird considering his husband was put up on and settled away some charges of doing the same thing in their back yard. While they informed me that Frank's golf course landing was due to engine trouble, I think the pattern reliably suggests some elaborate helicopter based sex game I want nothing to do with. Although I am proud of their creativity and venture into exhibitionism. Slay. Him and his husband also wear matching holiday sweaters. It's cute in a way that makes me want to take a drill to my head. They also have this sort of third guy they drag along to bars. Some rendition of a Canadian petroleum pipeline lobbyist? Maybe not a lobbyist? Maybe a third? Not my circus, not my clowns. ALL IN ALL Oof,, there you have it. Woo-hoo.. Seriously though, if we want to improve this whole schmuckfest we really need normal and reasonably sane people to run for office. If you have four brain cells, can put a suit on, and genuinely give a shit about your neighbors. Contact one of these assholes and try to replace them someday. You really really really don't need to have direct government experience. I mean, Christ, just look at these guys. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  24. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Bar Review: Spiked Coffee and Hot Dads at 'The Big Puffa' (4/5) ('The Big Puffa' on the Del Perro Pier) Rating: 💋💋💋💋 I'm going to level with you babes, I was real fucked up yesterday morning. I had stumbled off of a degrading flight from Connecticut, my seatmate wore a polyblend shirt that kept lightly touching my arm, and their breath smelled like tunafish. Worst of all, the fucking airline cut me off at four no-vermouth vodka martinis which is tantamount to a human rights violation. So when I tell you I was not feeling great coming into town, I'm telling you I was on the warpath. That is, until I decided to drop in for a morning pick-me-up at The Big Puffa before I paid some woman to wave crystals directly over my root chakra for forty five minutes. Location, location, location! 🎉 I've never been the type to weep at the sight of mountain ranges or dry heave at the sight of some Bob Ross painting come to life, but even in the deepest recesses of my cold dead heart, getting to see the vast ocean while going to get trashed puts things in perspective. The location is unique, singular, and refreshing. Be sure to wear a hair tie outside though because it will royally fuck any blowout you might have gotten earlier that day. Small price to pay for a dose of perspective before you dose yourself in their bathroom. (Honestly, fucking sick turnout for a morning crowd.) Athleisure, Khakis, and Sports Jerseys ! 🎽 Don't wear your best here, it'd make you seem stuffy and unapproachable. There wasn't a cover which is major ups from me and the door policy was open-for-all. If you're hitting the Big Puffa, just like... drop in. The bartender was wearing a full on rat mask. I called them Rat-tender. Who are you trying to impress? Seriously though, the vibes are a nice mix. I flirted with a hot dude I'll just call 'Dad Package' for anonymities sake, I witnessed a full ass chair being thrown at the Rat-tender. Slay. Some reviewers might dock a rating point for the whole "near violence" vibe, but after going to your sixtieth Tokyo Air Bar where the patrons are all Ketamined out ragdolls, it's refreshing to have a little action amping up the effects of the drinks. Speaking of... (An event stage with probably fake blood on it. Probably.) Judgement Free Booze from the Rat-tender! 🐀 It was like eight AM and all I said to the bartender was, "Can you spike some coffee for me?" I didn't get questioned as to why, I didn't get any nasty looks, I just got a cup full of sanity and hot coffee. Simple, punchy, and got me loose enough to let some Guyanese woman beat me with palm leaves later that day. I am a simple woman, I have simple needs. The Rat-tender and The Big Puffa satisfied those needs... for the most part! Which takes us to where I'm taking a point off. Don't feel bad. Nobody makes it out of the Vixen's reviews without a little real critique. The prices were also pretty solid, so you won't go bankrupt getting shitblasted. Feed me? Maybe not? Is that real blood? 🍲 Yes, I fucking know it's Halloween. Bear with me. So here's the scene that adds up to one kiss knocked off the rating. I'm getting a drink. A chair flies at the bartender. I'm flirting with a hot guy and networking. I get hungry. I look at the Rat-tender, I stroll to the kitchen, I see blood on the floor and a closed kitchen sign. The closed kitchen when I was mondo hungry is enough alone to knock a rating off, but combine the blood's proximity to both the flying chair and the rat energy and I considered not eating the food to be a mixed blessing. Pier food has always had a reputation for being made of 90 percent grease and horse hair so like... Maybe I dodged a bullet? ALL IN ALL What can I say, sunshines? It was a blast. I definitely want to come back for more spiked drinks and to watch the hi-jinks, but I also want to try their food next time their kitchen's open. If they avoid the grease trap, they may just earn that final kiss from the Los Santos Vixen. The stage is also an encouraging sign that they may hold really tragic local comedians, karaoke, or some hokey Halloween events. We love to see it. Either way, I"m done with this review, I've got to go take a Big Puffa something green and lay out on the beach. DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
  25. The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: Hyped UP & Hopped UP on "Vespucci Cool Beans" (5/5) (Located in Vespucci. Duh.) Rating: 💋💋💋💋
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