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The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: Hyped UP & Hopped UP on "Vespucci Cool Beans" (5/5) (Located in Vespucci. Duh.) Rating: 💋💋💋💋
The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: Seaside Slurpin' on Beefy "Meatballs By The Sea" (4/5) (Located on the Chumash Pier) Rating: 💋💋💋 💋 Find out what Four Kisses means here. Hey cuties. We all know how Los Santos can be. You go to a gas station. Some hobo robs you for your purse filled with ice cream and the card of a local psychiatrist you desperately need. You go to a 24/7 and there's some teen demanding cigarettes from the appropriately startled and nervous clerk. The same teen gets the crap beat out of him by vaguely European men. A sports team wins, a sports team loses. A politician sleeps around. A model is forced to go to an annoying party by unspoken social conventions. A dolphin weeps in the ocean and a police officer bites into a fresh donut. This is the way of Los Santos and this way can be super-not-great for a person's anxiety at times. This is why the moment I saw that a shop had opened by the seaside port of Chumash Pier, I was down to fucking clown. While "Meatballs By The Sea" was to my surprise not a waterside brothel specializing in the services of well-equipped Italian men, I was delighted to learn it was a casual, sea-side eatery. So either way, I knew I was getting stuffed. Let's dig in! Standard Beach Décor and Simple Planning Won the Dau, but Musical Chairs Dimmed it's Glory! 🎼 (Simple, beachy, lightly Italian. Good vibe. Photocred: Jenna Song) As you might have noticed from my Pork Whistle review, my metric for décor is super-duper fair and simple. I see a barn, I want to feel either barnlike inside or be shocked in a good way. In this case, switch barn with "sea-side fast casual eatery." It's got oceanside motifs you'd expect, no surprises there! But it also has some comfy, surprisingly modern, seating. Unfortunately this brings us to my first and last hitch with "Meatballs By the Sea". I had three people, we played a little game of Musical Chairs in order to figure out that we'd had to dine at the stool laden mini-countertop if we were to dine together. I wanted a bit of a booth moment, but the booths only fit two. Is this a cardinal sin worthy of death? Nah. Not by a long-shot. But when we're working with a smaller space, I understand there's challenges but I think one or two three-seater tables would help cut down on some of the shuffling around. Overall, thumbs up. Nothing crazy or surprising. The Ballmaster, the Flow, and the Vibe! 🛒 (I have not been legally forbidden from calling Chef Emil, 'the Ballmaster', yet. Photocred to Jenna Song.) Riding off of the Morgue Hall wave in the Dining Review memory bank of my brain, I was naturally a little nervous when I entered and saw only Chef Emil working. Luckily the menu was simple and direct which helped speed the line across. Also this guy is a massive ball juggler, phenomenal at interspersing culinary creation and processing orders in a flash. When it comes to Dining Reviews, I tend to not technically comment on something called "Crowd Curation" which is how the crowd curated by the business effects the experience of said business. For nightclubs with security, I absolutely factor it in as you'll see with an upcoming review on Cloud Nine. For upscale restaurants, that is where I expect sharp Crowd Curation and a tailored experience. For Meatballs By the Sea and Morgue Hall, all I expect is that the line moves along and things get processed. Otherwise the line gets bored, douchebags start douche-bagging, and the vibe then goes off. This did happen once while I was at Meatballs By the Sea, but in my professional assessment it was less because Emil's line didn't move quick enough and more because a group of fifteen-year-olds were out in Chumash unchaperoned at 2:00 AM, and looking to cause a stir. Once they did, they were promptly escorted out. So in total, Chef Emil processes orders speedily, effectively, and you can rely on your order being fulfilled in a timely fashion. But Vixen, HOW WERE THE BALLS? 🍖 (.) (I ate them so immediately I did not get a picture, I will not be judged by you.) The variety was really nice even with a streamlined menu. The fare ranged from Italian-style Meatballs as one might expect to even Korean BBQ varieties and a Build-Your-Own Bowl option that wasn't overly complex nor took longer to fulfill than the main menu items. And Christ, they were fucking good. I got the beef meatballs with gochujang and topped with Parmesan over a bed of white rice. The umami in Parmesan worked fucking wonders with the Gochujang and the meatballs themselves. I heard zero complaints as my friends were dogging on their own balls. Many claps to Chef Emil for also including Vegan and Gluten Free options which I deftly avoided in favor of breaking any and all dietary restrictions I may have claimed to have had previously. Also it was fucking cheap. I love that. I'm cheap too. I felt seen. Their website also indicates that you can order takeout and they are expanding their opening hours which helps with planning the journey to the seaside. This leads me to my final summary and my final happy moment on the Chumash Pier. ALL IN ALL (Goddamn, that's fucking pretty. Fuck.) Location. Location. Location. 'Meatballs By the Sea' benefitted so much from being in a place I wanted to be. Far from the city and it's many worries, I was able to look out at the vast ocean and put my worries into perspective. For someone with anxiety, that alone was something I'm incredibly grateful for. The fact that the food was good, the service was quick, the décor wasn't jarring or overwhelmingly tacky, the prices were more than fair, and the owner clearly has a passion that he enjoys sharing. This all certainly overshadowed the teensy game of musical chairs I had to play to find a comfy seat. I left calmer, happier, and content in having slurped on the meatiest balls you can imagine. And isn't that what life makes really worth living? XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!
The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: Doing Lines and Eating Saltfish at "Morgue Hall Bar & Grill" (3/5) (Located in the north of Little Seoul) Rating: 💋💋💋 Find out what Three Kisses means here. It was a long night of hard work (Read: Partying and dancing at some invite-only beach and abandoned luxury hotel parties, super fun!) and your girl, the illustrious and humble Los Santos Vixen, was certifiably hungry. Bleary eyed, hungover, I searched the landscape for scraps of food, for the roving antelope to come into my sights only for me to LEAP FROM A TREE and sink my fangs into their soft neck. In lieu of roaming antelope, I came across the Jamaican sensation, the one, the only, Morgue Hall Bar and Grill. Let's see how they handled my brandished fangs. Morgue Hall was super-duper fucking DECKED! 💮 (Unique design choices, on theme. Very themey. I'm thinking this isn't just Halloween Seasonal) I really really love the foyer and also the wallpaper elements keeping the vibe of the place on brand, it's a Jamaican grill, babes. They better represent and I think they did a fab job of doing so. Morgue Hall may be a name that is a little off-putting to some, but whoms't among us (amogus) does not approve of a light cannibalism energy when choosing a food place. I was sure as fuck down to clown on some Jamaican food because of the fun branding and the clear pride the owners and workers take in their culture and the culinary delights they have to offer. The structure was fine, perhaps it could have used some more standing tables in order to help section off the crowd a little as I think the whole super-Christian phrase "Idle hands are the devil's playground" really kicked into high gear during my trip as you'll see. Doing Lines but NOT IN THE FUN WAY! 😿 (This line hurt my very soul, my spirit. And the men were literally embarrassing themselves.) Alright babes. Fuckity fuck the line was long. I get it. It's popular. I'm not faulting them for their popularity. Buuuuut, because the line was long, the horny dudes got super bored and when horny dudes get super bored they get either violent or sexual harassy. Half the time on line I spent asking a dude about dolphins because he was hitting on a disinterested and super pretty Christian chick. The second half of my time in line was spent watching two kids beat each other up while waiting for their food orders, another kid yelling at the sweet Jamaican dude at the counter because they got his order wrong, and another group of horny dudes hitting on chicks. Lemme be super-duper clear. When pretty girls are getting hangover hot wings, we ain't feeling sexy. This isn't a high point in the day for us. We're recovering. Our insides are a mix of tequila, hastily chugged water, and Advil Liquigels. You could be the biggest dick hero and I'll ask you to walk away namely because I don't want dudes trying to stick their dick in me while I'm eating hot wings while hungover. As for clothes, dress in whatever, nobody cares here and it's not stuffy. Just if you're a pretty chick I guess try to dress ugly to ward off people. Soooo, all this to say, hire some more cashiers and chefs, make the line go quicker and dummies will be way less bored and less likely to be super-duper annoying, y'know? The FOOD! (There's a reason the line is long. The food is bomb, babes.) Now the moment you've all been waiting for is HERE! The food was fucking killer babe and at a reasonable price. I see why the line exists, I understand it. I got the Saltfish and Ackee which is a staple Jamaican breakfast and it did not disappoint. Because of the crowd issues and me not wanting to be flirted with while dogging on this shit, I absolutely snarfed it in my car which is super unfortunate since the booths looked very cute to hang out in. Given the mismatched order earlier, I'm willing to argue that them being understaffed is causing some amount of issues with executing orders to perfection so try to go when it's a quieter time. Especially if you're a cute chick. ALL IN ALL So it was exactly the hangover food I needed when I needed it for the price I needed it at. I just didn't want to deal with the Los Santosness of the crowd when I was already hungover. I think some strides could be made in smoothing out the customer experience, but overall I really enjoyed my time at Morgue Hall when it comes to the Décor, the authenticity and deliciousness of the Food, and the fair price points. Am I going back? Probably. Will I be bringing a spray bottle of water to spray weirdos down when they act up? Absolutely. Will I dine in? Probably not. HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE We've got a BONUS SECTION! (Rockstar Dean Brando and a full bottle of tequila) The LS Vixen spotted Dean Brando of Vinewood Pictures fame and frontman for the band "Time Traveler" absolutely chugging the fuck out of a bottle of Tequila. What does this mean? Is our mans okay? Is he just having fun and living his life? The picture is giving Sad Keanu vibes, but he's also been spotted just grooving and living his life. Honestly, I like his directness. Why do shots when chugging the bottle conveniently places multiple shots directly into your liver. Word on the street is he's been collecting band members like Pokémon so expect to see Time Traveler in concert sooner rather than later. They might even be good. Fingers crossed cuties. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!