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The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: C.B.Dreamy Coffee and Elixirs at "Euphoria" (4/5) (Located on Prosperity Street in Del Perro. Photocred: Jenna Song) Rating: 💋💋💋💋 Find out what Four Kisses means here. Original ideas are seemingly in short supply these days. From a dozen cafes, to personality bereft bars, to yet-another-soulless club front, reviewing the business scene in Los Santos can get quite blah. This is why I was so shaken when I seemingly randomnly walked into a business with a unique angle. At first, I thought I was walking into yet another cafe, but the Aldrich Sisters had something different in store for the LS Vixen. We'll dig into the vibe, the energy, the offerings, and the unique slant below. Let's get dreamy. The Decor is a cross between a young Republicans Cigar Lounge and a Ski Lodge! 👀 (The floors in ascending order. Photocred: Jenna Song ) First things first, the decor is okay! There's no daring awards being granted by stuffy magazines, it's a relaxing wooden haven with equal parts austere lounge wood finishes and equal ports modernist lounging couches, the mixture creating a slight time warp effect. It all goes together which is absolutely fine, the colors have been chosen intentionally as a throughline, a deeper wood color, a blue, and a grey, but it serves as a blank canvas from which to enjoy your treats and talk with friends. My one consideration here and partially why a kiss has been taken off is that it's three stories and two of the stories are pure lounge and seating. This is not a huge crime, but if I ascend three stories, I just want some sort of unique payoff at the top. A pool table, arcade games, maybe even a lounging floor section for a cuddle puddle. There just needs to be a lure to take me up that second flight of stairs or else I'll likely just trudge back down a little less glimmery. That said, having the serving station on the ground floor is naturally genius as it provides an accessible way for the "to-go" crowd, of which there are many, to snag what they need for their day and vamoose in the blink of an eye. Speedy service by Euphoric Sisters! ⭐ (Madison Aldrich in her Natural Habitat. Photocred: Jenna Song) The service was naturally quick and attentive, given that the Aldrich sisters who own the place were the ones tending to the first day. Their passion for getting it right and introducing customers to the Euphoria world was appreciated and exciting. They handled the opening day crowd like a charm. The only other reason I am deducting that fifth kiss is also because I squinted while looking at the menu which made me feel very old and embarrassed me in front of my younger hotter friends. But what exactly was on the menu? Let's dive in! KAPOW PLOT TWIST THERE'S PLANT EUPHORICS HERE!!! 🍽️ (C-B-D! C-B-D! Photocred: Jenna Song) Sooo the unique angle here is that to my knowledge this is Los Santos first or at the very least sole C.B.D. cafe. For those who don't know, C.B.D. is like the chill cousin of cannabis, offering relaxation without getting you high. While it doesn't get you zonked out of your gourd, it CBD does bind to your endocannabinoid receptors in that ole' brain of yours and provides benefits to mood, pain sensation, and appetite. At Euphoria, you can have CBD added to your coffee and go about your day just a little more regulated. It's perfectly legal and it's a unique twist on an oversaturated café market. I adore it. The entire menu has a beautiful attention to detail and is a delight to explore. The Menu ALL IN ALL What's most exciting about Euphoria is it's potential. While it may begin as a CBD lounge and café, if Governor Brandt would stop being terrified of legalizing marijuana because of his own personal mental and emotional hang-ups around marijuana, we might all benefit from a society that treats marijuana the way it ought to be treated. On par or even less harmful than alcohol which is perfectly legal. Both parties in government want marijuana to be legalized. The Mayor wants it Legalized. The Senators. The City Councilors. The People by and by large want it Legalized. There's only one person who doesn't. Governor Brandt. Maybe he needs a trip to Euphoria. I know I do. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!

The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: Marvelous Pastries & Toasty Coffee at "Vespaio Cafe" (4/5) (Located in Clinton. Photocred: Jenna Song) Rating: 💋💋💋💋 Find out what Four Kisses means here. The snow has fallen. Seasonal Affective Disorder reigns in the corridors of our fair city and the cure outside of blazing up in your apartment with some good souls has to be getting out. Getting through the snow and finding cozy places to chitter-chatter and hang out at. Some businesses flourish in the chilly winter as it drives people to find shelter. Others have a tough time drumming up a crowd that's willing to brave the winter chill. Cafe Vespaio seems to fall into the flourishing camp as that's where I found port in the proverbial and literal winter storm. The Decor is cozy and festive, a killer combo. Not ground-breaking, but who cares! 💮 (What you see when you arrive at Cafe Vespaio. Photocred: Jenna Song ) The Christmas decorations are divine. The space is open, bright, and airy and it brightened up my mood immediately. This isn't a huge sprawling space and it doesn't need to be. It's a space where I feel comfy getting a coffee, a pastry, and taking a seat to seek a little comfort. Is the décor absolutely revolutionary? No. Does it really need to be? Nah. I feel like this place is a wonderful canvas structured excellently for what it's designed to do. I do wonder what it will look like without the festive cheer and whether it might go into the range of too sterile however. Clean white aesthetic is phenomenal especially with toasty wooden floors, but I'll check in once the seasonal décor has shifted to see if they replace the colorful splashes with something that stands out from the rest of the café scene. Fast service and warm corners to make friends in! 🍃 (Another angle of the toasty-festive cafe! Photocred: Jenna Song) With that said, the rest of this review is fairly glowing. The crowd vibe was similarly minded warmth-seekers, popping in from the snowy city to warm themselves with freshly ground coffee. We'll talk fare in the next section, but the flow of the space is really admirable. The man at the counter managed a speedy turnaround from when I ordered to when I received my goodies and during this busy morning the line never spanned more than four people max. The line also didn't form through any inconvenient areas, naturally forming around the tree which kept the space clear and kept those standing neatly away from those cozying up on the seats. This shows a functional design aesthetic that I adooore. A majority of the seating are four-seater booths with a couple of two-seaters dashed in around the entrance. I think this is mostly fine as it forces people to share a little coffee space and brings the potential for making new friends. This actually happened, I met a lovely young journalist who is just cutting her teeth with some grim but true articles on Face Browser. Shout out to Yassy ❤️ And this is the magic of places with solid and functional design aesthetic and cozy corners. It can literally create space where friendships are forged and strengthened. My sappy side loves it. She's got PASTRY RANGE! Italian pastry heaven! 🍽️ (A pastry selection to die for. Photocred: Jenna Song) Ho-ly shit, this place has every Italian pastry known to man. Sfogliatella (Lobster Tail Shaped Pastries), Panna Cotta, and Crostini for days. The warm drinks are only fifty bucks. And when I purchased a Charcuterie Board and a Latte, it totaled to $200 bucks. When I say this place is inexpensive, I mean it. And with this range of expertly crafted pastries, it's a recipe for me going up a dress size for the winter and loving every moment of it. The food is fresh, well-crafted, and sufficient for a good lunch or breakfast date. There isn't more to say about their offerings, it's quality. Try it. ALL IN ALL My measure of a cafe is how I feel when I'm leaving. My face was warm, my belly was full, my blood addled with glorious glorious caffeine. I saw people I know and love there so I had that warmth going on as well. I left with less stress and more energy and excitement than I arrived and for that I am more than happy to give them four kisses. The fifth kiss I will hold in my back pocket until the winter chill thaws and I can see the versatility of the space. Always wise to keep them striving. Stay hot, stay kind, and most importantly, stay tuned. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!

The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: Immaculate Tea & Glorious Vibes at "Jade Cafe" (4/5) (Located in Mission Row, Photocred: Jenna Song) Rating: 💋💋💋 💋 Find out what Four Kisses means here. Hey sunshines! Hope the day is greeting you well, babes! I know I've been writing a lot about Politics given that this is the season of politicking but allow me to sand all the ridges of your brain to form a polished and smooth bowling ball as you read this review. See, one of my goals in town has been to find a go-to spot for warm quality pu'er tea and a sense of grounding. Lo' and behold me and some of my coziest and kindest friends saw that Jade Cafe was open one glorious day and we decided to drop on in. Here's the tea. (Get it, because it's a tea house? God, call me butter cause I'm on a fucking ROLL!) I cannot overstate how thoroughly the decor arouses me physically and spiritually! 💮 (Top tier decor, functional and beautiful seating arrangements, appropriate lighting. I'm in heaven.Photocred: Jenna Song ) First things first. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. The place is a work of art. Every detail is beautifully crafted and the space is configured in such a way that encourages a good sense of flow from when you walk in to when you leave. I have no clue who designed and decorated but they should be getting some form of Interior Design award. The place fully embodies the personality of the offerings and allows the eye to wander from one piece of beauty to another. Floor seating is also ideal as it is very hard to fall if you are already on the ground, thus offering a nice safety feature and a comfy cozy sitting spot for tea sipping. The excellence in design strikes a perfect balance between maintaining visual interest without overloading me with maximalist design features. Major, major props to having a unique beauty of a business in this city. A fine service flow, though could be finer! 🍃 (The staff is wonderful and efficient, Photocred: Jenna Song) Now the process goes, you walk in and order, you wait by the window for your order, you go to sit and eat or sip. Now in practice this works fine albeit it sometimes results in the chefs needing to confirm the order with the guests especially when the place gets busy. In my heart of hearts I know that this place could use a server or two so guests can sit down and settle in. The place rings upscale even if the prices are low and I think they could not only do well to notch up prices slightly if it means table service. I usually do not recommend price raises, as a bonafide penny pincher, but in this case if it meant a bit more time to settle in and take in the beauty of the place I would be happy to dish a little extra! The staff is kind and wonderful and clearly know exactly what they're doing whether behind the counter or the kitchen, zero critique there. Tantalizing Tea and Tasty Things! 🍽️ (The fine finger food is tasty and the tea is perfection Photocred: Jenna Song) I ordered the pu'er tea and the radish cakes but I also snatched a Shrimp Shumai from my bestie, Jenna. Sitting down and sipping the toasty, tasty pu'er tea was a moment of peace and joy in this chaotic city we call Los Santos was glo-ri-ous. Amid the beautifully dim lights I shared a light meal and warm tea with people I love. It was a blessing. The price point being low and affordable was another phenomenal blessing. The radish/turnip cakes were cooked to perfection. As a Dim Sum junkie who has Dim Summed at the best places in Liberty City for years, Jade Cafe easily matches up on quality level and surpasses those places in "bang-for-your-buck" ALL IN ALL The experience of a calm, relaxing, and well decorated tea house in Los Santos is comparatively rare. We have strip clubs by the dozen. "Sleek" modern bars by the thousand, and quick-snag coffee shops by the quintillion. A tea house is a relative rarity so it peaks my curiosity and gains my attention. I am more than happy with Jade Cafe and I look forward to dropping in again for a little snack and sip. With great decor, excellent pricing, kind staff, and tasty offerings, the good outweighs the lack of table service that might otherwise raise the score to it's lofty potential. By all means next time you find yourself in Mission Row, do drop in. You won't regret it, cuties. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!

The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: Hyped UP & Hopped UP on "Vespucci Cool Beans" (5/5) (Located in Vespucci. Duh.) Rating: 💋💋💋💋

The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: Seaside Slurpin' on Beefy "Meatballs By The Sea" (4/5) (Located on the Chumash Pier) Rating: 💋💋💋 💋 Find out what Four Kisses means here. Hey cuties. We all know how Los Santos can be. You go to a gas station. Some hobo robs you for your purse filled with ice cream and the card of a local psychiatrist you desperately need. You go to a 24/7 and there's some teen demanding cigarettes from the appropriately startled and nervous clerk. The same teen gets the crap beat out of him by vaguely European men. A sports team wins, a sports team loses. A politician sleeps around. A model is forced to go to an annoying party by unspoken social conventions. A dolphin weeps in the ocean and a police officer bites into a fresh donut. This is the way of Los Santos and this way can be super-not-great for a person's anxiety at times. This is why the moment I saw that a shop had opened by the seaside port of Chumash Pier, I was down to fucking clown. While "Meatballs By The Sea" was to my surprise not a waterside brothel specializing in the services of well-equipped Italian men, I was delighted to learn it was a casual, sea-side eatery. So either way, I knew I was getting stuffed. Let's dig in! Standard Beach Décor and Simple Planning Won the Dau, but Musical Chairs Dimmed it's Glory! 🎼 (Simple, beachy, lightly Italian. Good vibe. Photocred: Jenna Song) As you might have noticed from my Pork Whistle review, my metric for décor is super-duper fair and simple. I see a barn, I want to feel either barnlike inside or be shocked in a good way. In this case, switch barn with "sea-side fast casual eatery." It's got oceanside motifs you'd expect, no surprises there! But it also has some comfy, surprisingly modern, seating. Unfortunately this brings us to my first and last hitch with "Meatballs By the Sea". I had three people, we played a little game of Musical Chairs in order to figure out that we'd had to dine at the stool laden mini-countertop if we were to dine together. I wanted a bit of a booth moment, but the booths only fit two. Is this a cardinal sin worthy of death? Nah. Not by a long-shot. But when we're working with a smaller space, I understand there's challenges but I think one or two three-seater tables would help cut down on some of the shuffling around. Overall, thumbs up. Nothing crazy or surprising. The Ballmaster, the Flow, and the Vibe! 🛒 (I have not been legally forbidden from calling Chef Emil, 'the Ballmaster', yet. Photocred to Jenna Song.) Riding off of the Morgue Hall wave in the Dining Review memory bank of my brain, I was naturally a little nervous when I entered and saw only Chef Emil working. Luckily the menu was simple and direct which helped speed the line across. Also this guy is a massive ball juggler, phenomenal at interspersing culinary creation and processing orders in a flash. When it comes to Dining Reviews, I tend to not technically comment on something called "Crowd Curation" which is how the crowd curated by the business effects the experience of said business. For nightclubs with security, I absolutely factor it in as you'll see with an upcoming review on Cloud Nine. For upscale restaurants, that is where I expect sharp Crowd Curation and a tailored experience. For Meatballs By the Sea and Morgue Hall, all I expect is that the line moves along and things get processed. Otherwise the line gets bored, douchebags start douche-bagging, and the vibe then goes off. This did happen once while I was at Meatballs By the Sea, but in my professional assessment it was less because Emil's line didn't move quick enough and more because a group of fifteen-year-olds were out in Chumash unchaperoned at 2:00 AM, and looking to cause a stir. Once they did, they were promptly escorted out. So in total, Chef Emil processes orders speedily, effectively, and you can rely on your order being fulfilled in a timely fashion. But Vixen, HOW WERE THE BALLS? 🍖 (.) (I ate them so immediately I did not get a picture, I will not be judged by you.) The variety was really nice even with a streamlined menu. The fare ranged from Italian-style Meatballs as one might expect to even Korean BBQ varieties and a Build-Your-Own Bowl option that wasn't overly complex nor took longer to fulfill than the main menu items. And Christ, they were fucking good. I got the beef meatballs with gochujang and topped with Parmesan over a bed of white rice. The umami in Parmesan worked fucking wonders with the Gochujang and the meatballs themselves. I heard zero complaints as my friends were dogging on their own balls. Many claps to Chef Emil for also including Vegan and Gluten Free options which I deftly avoided in favor of breaking any and all dietary restrictions I may have claimed to have had previously. Also it was fucking cheap. I love that. I'm cheap too. I felt seen. Their website also indicates that you can order takeout and they are expanding their opening hours which helps with planning the journey to the seaside. This leads me to my final summary and my final happy moment on the Chumash Pier. ALL IN ALL (Goddamn, that's fucking pretty. Fuck.) Location. Location. Location. 'Meatballs By the Sea' benefitted so much from being in a place I wanted to be. Far from the city and it's many worries, I was able to look out at the vast ocean and put my worries into perspective. For someone with anxiety, that alone was something I'm incredibly grateful for. The fact that the food was good, the service was quick, the décor wasn't jarring or overwhelmingly tacky, the prices were more than fair, and the owner clearly has a passion that he enjoys sharing. This all certainly overshadowed the teensy game of musical chairs I had to play to find a comfy seat. I left calmer, happier, and content in having slurped on the meatiest balls you can imagine. And isn't that what life makes really worth living? XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!

The hottest tea, the spiciest gossip, the fiercest commentary and no fucking censorship. We are the Los Santos VIXEN. Hope you've been doing your kegels, babe. Letter from the editor: Sis, stop reading the story and BE the story. Submit your gossip to our handy and under-fucking-utilized gossip submission form. Chop chop. Also Like, Subscribe, Share, is this your first time online? Click HERE ! LSVIXEN XOXO ❤️ Dining Review: Doing Lines and Eating Saltfish at "Morgue Hall Bar & Grill" (3/5) (Located in the north of Little Seoul) Rating: 💋💋💋 Find out what Three Kisses means here. It was a long night of hard work (Read: Partying and dancing at some invite-only beach and abandoned luxury hotel parties, super fun!) and your girl, the illustrious and humble Los Santos Vixen, was certifiably hungry. Bleary eyed, hungover, I searched the landscape for scraps of food, for the roving antelope to come into my sights only for me to LEAP FROM A TREE and sink my fangs into their soft neck. In lieu of roaming antelope, I came across the Jamaican sensation, the one, the only, Morgue Hall Bar and Grill. Let's see how they handled my brandished fangs. Morgue Hall was super-duper fucking DECKED! 💮 (Unique design choices, on theme. Very themey. I'm thinking this isn't just Halloween Seasonal) I really really love the foyer and also the wallpaper elements keeping the vibe of the place on brand, it's a Jamaican grill, babes. They better represent and I think they did a fab job of doing so. Morgue Hall may be a name that is a little off-putting to some, but whoms't among us (amogus) does not approve of a light cannibalism energy when choosing a food place. I was sure as fuck down to clown on some Jamaican food because of the fun branding and the clear pride the owners and workers take in their culture and the culinary delights they have to offer. The structure was fine, perhaps it could have used some more standing tables in order to help section off the crowd a little as I think the whole super-Christian phrase "Idle hands are the devil's playground" really kicked into high gear during my trip as you'll see. Doing Lines but NOT IN THE FUN WAY! 😿 (This line hurt my very soul, my spirit. And the men were literally embarrassing themselves.) Alright babes. Fuckity fuck the line was long. I get it. It's popular. I'm not faulting them for their popularity. Buuuuut, because the line was long, the horny dudes got super bored and when horny dudes get super bored they get either violent or sexual harassy. Half the time on line I spent asking a dude about dolphins because he was hitting on a disinterested and super pretty Christian chick. The second half of my time in line was spent watching two kids beat each other up while waiting for their food orders, another kid yelling at the sweet Jamaican dude at the counter because they got his order wrong, and another group of horny dudes hitting on chicks. Lemme be super-duper clear. When pretty girls are getting hangover hot wings, we ain't feeling sexy. This isn't a high point in the day for us. We're recovering. Our insides are a mix of tequila, hastily chugged water, and Advil Liquigels. You could be the biggest dick hero and I'll ask you to walk away namely because I don't want dudes trying to stick their dick in me while I'm eating hot wings while hungover. As for clothes, dress in whatever, nobody cares here and it's not stuffy. Just if you're a pretty chick I guess try to dress ugly to ward off people. Soooo, all this to say, hire some more cashiers and chefs, make the line go quicker and dummies will be way less bored and less likely to be super-duper annoying, y'know? The FOOD! (There's a reason the line is long. The food is bomb, babes.) Now the moment you've all been waiting for is HERE! The food was fucking killer babe and at a reasonable price. I see why the line exists, I understand it. I got the Saltfish and Ackee which is a staple Jamaican breakfast and it did not disappoint. Because of the crowd issues and me not wanting to be flirted with while dogging on this shit, I absolutely snarfed it in my car which is super unfortunate since the booths looked very cute to hang out in. Given the mismatched order earlier, I'm willing to argue that them being understaffed is causing some amount of issues with executing orders to perfection so try to go when it's a quieter time. Especially if you're a cute chick. ALL IN ALL So it was exactly the hangover food I needed when I needed it for the price I needed it at. I just didn't want to deal with the Los Santosness of the crowd when I was already hungover. I think some strides could be made in smoothing out the customer experience, but overall I really enjoyed my time at Morgue Hall when it comes to the Décor, the authenticity and deliciousness of the Food, and the fair price points. Am I going back? Probably. Will I be bringing a spray bottle of water to spray weirdos down when they act up? Absolutely. Will I dine in? Probably not. HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE We've got a BONUS SECTION! (Rockstar Dean Brando and a full bottle of tequila) The LS Vixen spotted Dean Brando of Vinewood Pictures fame and frontman for the band "Time Traveler" absolutely chugging the fuck out of a bottle of Tequila. What does this mean? Is our mans okay? Is he just having fun and living his life? The picture is giving Sad Keanu vibes, but he's also been spotted just grooving and living his life. Honestly, I like his directness. Why do shots when chugging the bottle conveniently places multiple shots directly into your liver. Word on the street is he's been collecting band members like Pokémon so expect to see Time Traveler in concert sooner rather than later. They might even be good. Fingers crossed cuties. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!