Crocker Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 (edited) Edited February 3, 2019 by Crocker Lowering text size from hereon out. 2 Link to comment
CHRISTIΔN Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Yo, I love this shit, it's fucking great. I only have one criticism to leave. I see that you both do a lot of telling instead of showing. Instead of just typing /me has a bad trip, or /me (insert all of the information about your character); show us by uncovering each layer. Your scenarios can be further developed and fleshed out if you actually show us each action of what is going on in "the bad trip" for example. No reason to tell us you're having a bad trip, show us what is causing the bad trip through /me's and dialog. Another example is your "/me is livid because his boss is making him do a shift". Instead of telling us that, leaving us with nothing to wonder about, you could instead show it by for example hitting the steering wheel and yelling about it, leaving a subtle hint what's going on, or easier; by telling someone about how pissed you are your boss is making you work overtime. It'll open up more doors. Other than that it's looking solid. On 1/5/2019 at 4:33 PM, Siglim said: Here's another example. Why is he reflecting on his life choices? Did something happen? Is he staying inside smoking PCP not cleaning up the dog shit from his carpet? I understand if you don't care too much, I just thought I'd leave some thoughts. Keep it up, I love the tone you guys set; it feels believable. 1 Link to comment
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