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A Vixen's Guide to LS Politics Who's Next on the Chopping Block?! As election season ramps up you can expect more of these articles. I think as much as politics can be a real snooze fest, I believe in the power to make it readable, interesting and exciting using only sheer rage, shadiness, and profound psychosexual arousal gained from airing out the shadier qualities of those I write about. But I do not do this solely for my own sick gratification. No, dear readers, I do this for you. The more we know about these people, the less they are able to operate behind the scenes and the less they're able to get away with wasting our money on sky-diving stunts and helicopter sex-games. Without further ado... Politics Guide: Who the Hell Are the Party Chairmen? First things first. Let me tell you what a "Party Chairman" is, because against all odds it's not just a very literal way of referring to a drunk man sleeping in the corner at a house party. So this city has two parties and one pipedream. We have the Republicans, the Democrats, and the "Conservatives". The last one of these doesn't really exist outside of the hallucinations of an elderly man so I won't really be covering that. However the first two are political parties that purport to have different ideals, goals for what they do with the power their given, and very different styles in abusing it. We love to see diversity. A "Party Chairman" basically looks for schmucks throughout the city, identifies whether they'll do whatever the party says, sees if they'll fit in a suit, and slaps them up as a candidate for you to vote for. Sometimes this works out dandy and we end up with a hard worker in office. Most of the time however it's as satisfying as a one night stand with an unattractive gas station attendant. Either way these Party Chairman are supposed to represent the ultimate mega forms of their party. The Mega-Democrat, the Giga-Republican. Let us BEHOLD THEIR GLORY! Nikos "The Living Crash Test Dummy" Karagiorgis The Democratic Party Chairman (They say he has to wheel around an Morphine Drip.) Meet our first schmuck of the day. Nikos is a severely Greek individual who enjoys slathering his body in olive oil, sweltering under the San Andreas Sun, and gorging himself on cheese and olives in the pleasure palace he calls "Pacific Bluffs". When he's not sucking up to wealthy douchebags at the resort he manages, he enjoys getting into every single physical injury known to modern medical science. In the past month alone, Mr. Karagiorgis has been subject to a motorcycle accident, a three-alarm fire, and a house intrusion that collectively has left him a broken, lightly traumatized, and shattered man. One might think having such jarring experiences would inform him of the value and sanctity of his life, especially as he enters election season, but I have been reliably informed he also engaged in sky-diving shortly after. I want to say it's shocking to see a Democrat not learn from past errors, but they're kind of known for watching the same problems happen over and over again and flouncing their hands with a "How could this have happened again?!". Maybe this last shock to the system will help the whole bunch. Probably not. Whether all of this is the result of a mid-life crisis or whether it is a subtle ploy to become so injured that he conveniently enters a coma before the race begins, none can really say for certain. But with the current advances in medical science, we can probably expect future statements from this Democratic Party Chairman to be typed out via subtle eye movements and spoken through a Text-To-Speech system. Non-Existent Entity The Republican Party Chair (You might think this is an empty chair. You would be correct.) Yeah so to the surprise of nobody, they don't have a chairman. There's a few angles here that actually make this non-existent entity a really solid representation of the party and thus, ironically, makes for an excellent Chairman. So on the up-side, I want to laud Republicans on their consistency. Rumour has it, a lot of the recent problems in the Senate have come from their Senators never actually being seen in their Districts and I think that this sort of avante garde artistic choice to have a vacant chair is an accurate representation of how they've appeared to constituents in K-Town or the East District. (Read: Not at all) They vacated the chair after the last chairman began to crusade against the gays or whatever. Honestly, babes, I'm torn. If they fill the chair, it'll be some schmuck in power which would at least give me something to work with here. But if they don't, they're showing great consistency by neglecting another of their crucial duties. I'm unsure if this is a win/win or a lose/lose. I think I just want a mimosa and move on. Frank O'Shea The Republican Party Vice Chairman (Oh Christ... really?) So I felt it might not have been entirely fair to roast an empty chair so I guess, uh, yeah... Frank will do. Frank O'Shea is the husband of Branch Goodwater, one of the Senators whose activity in district is limited (but to my personal observation is growing more frequent). Frank used to be a Doctor but soon got very tired of helping people and decided to marry a wealthy cop sugar daddy and really dive head first into that whole Log Cabin Republican lifestyle. Look, uh, I'm doing my best here. I think the most I could squeeze on this guy is that he landed his helicopter in a golf course which is weird considering his husband was put up on and settled away some charges of doing the same thing in their back yard. While they informed me that Frank's golf course landing was due to engine trouble, I think the pattern reliably suggests some elaborate helicopter based sex game I want nothing to do with. Although I am proud of their creativity and venture into exhibitionism. Slay. Him and his husband also wear matching holiday sweaters. It's cute in a way that makes me want to take a drill to my head. They also have this sort of third guy they drag along to bars. Some rendition of a Canadian petroleum pipeline lobbyist? Maybe not a lobbyist? Maybe a third? Not my circus, not my clowns. ALL IN ALL Oof,, there you have it. Woo-hoo.. Seriously though, if we want to improve this whole schmuckfest we really need normal and reasonably sane people to run for office. If you have four brain cells, can put a suit on, and genuinely give a shit about your neighbors. Contact one of these assholes and try to replace them someday. You really really really don't need to have direct government experience. I mean, Christ, just look at these guys. XOXO, DISCLAIMER >Comments are enabled!