[LSVIXEN] Politics Guide: A Street Interview with Jonathan Spencer

[Al-Malikah]

 

A Vixen's Guide to LS Politics

This shit makes me deeply nauseous, but I do it for you all. I'm goddamned Mother Theresa.

 

 

Woah, you actually clicked on an article regarding politics. Weird. You must be on either a self-torture kick or on a whooole lot of weed. Either way, I'll try to make this painless and help you through this difficult time. So I'm acclimating to the vibe here in Los Santos. Sunny, beautiful San Andreas has so much to offer. Big beaches, big bitches, beautiful bars with beautiful people, an endless array of fun activities and new friends to meet. And it also has political parties where grown adults form a circle and take turns doing eachother. Sometimes in full view of the public, sometimes in board rooms. Good for them, as long as they aren't killing anyone, dismembering the bodies, and spreading it strategically throughout Los Santos many dumpsters. 

Recently, there was a schism between some senile man and the Republican Party. Go figure.

 

One dark and stormy night, I spoke with my million-dollar AI executive, Gertrude, and she told me exactly where to find the man himself for a juicy juicy interview. Here is the transcript. Enjoy babes.

 

 

A Street Interview with Jonathan Spencer

 

(Jonathan Spencer, a normal and okay guy.)

 

 

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LSVIXEN: Hi Mr. Spencer, I know you're busy spray-painting the phrase 'Boo! Gonna fuck ya!' with the highly on-the-nose signature 'From the Gays' on the side of your own vehicle, but do you mind a quick street interview?
Jonathan Spencer: I genuinely and desperately need the attention, please, by all means.

LSVIXEN: So, I heard about the whole 'getting ousted from the party' thing. That happens to me when I find and abuse the liquor cabinets at house parties. Has it been just as rough for you?
Jonathan Spencer: I'm better than ever, I even started my own party that has to tell me I'm a good boy and that everything I do is good actually. We're founded on being proudly Christian and FEARLESS!

LSVIXEN: Fab. Love that for you. Does anything scare you though? Like on the real?
Jonathan Spencer: I'm terrified of gay people, I hear they have a penis inside of their penis with teeth on it and if you startle them the secondary penis emerges and can give you a bit of a cut. I am also terrified of accountability, taxes, and the ethnically ambiguous. Choose a side, this is America for Lord Jesus of Nazareth's sake... I think I speak for the party when I say we're also terrified of being cancelled, we're uncancellable. Nobody can cancel us. I don't really know what it means to be cancelled, but it sure sounds bad so I repeat it on the many, many platforms I have available for talking about being cancelled.

LSVIXEN: What about Lesbians? Do they spook you with their flannel shirts?
Jonathan Spencer: What?

LSVIXEN: Lesbians.

Jonathan Spencer:  Lesbians, lesbians... Ohhh, those are a mere myth. I'm an eighty-nine year old man, if those existed, I would have noticed. 
 
LSVIXEN: Alright so, do you have any plans for your party? Like legislative plans or like... sort of like fun plans?
Jonathan Spencer: Well. We're going to wear bow-ties and linger around a golf course aimlessly at some point, we'll call that a Fundraiser. Each and every dollar will go towards placing a Bible into the side table of every gay sex hotel in the State. I've been personally touring each to check if there's a bible and as you might expect in our filthy society, i have found none. Alarming. We also have devised a computer division filled with young Incel men whom we also place firmly in bowties before training them to respond to things on the internet in a God-honoring way. I believe it is called "trolling comment sections."

As for the law... the... uh... law...

LSVIXEN: Mr. Spencer, you're spacing out... you alright?
Jonathan Spencer: ...

LSVIXEN: Dude, are you alright?
Jonathan Spencer: ...Who are you?... is it Chocolate Pudding day... where's my nurse?...

LSVIXEN: Thank you for your time Mr. Spencer. I can't wait to see you on the campaign trail or screaming at people in the parking lot of a grocery store.
Jonathan Spencer: ... Where am I?..

 
And there you have it, folks. Some say the LS Vixen is all about scathing reviews of nightclubs and bars, but we're actually super deep and totally care about politics. 


Keep it cute, babes.

 

 

 

 DISCLAIMER

Spoiler

LS Vixen's (bitch ass) Disclaimer
 

The LS Vixen is a satire, parody, commentary, critique, news reporting and scholarly web publication, which may or may not use actual names often in quasi-real and/or fictitious narration. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians, celebrities and/or other personalities that are critiqued and/or commented upon, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.

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Edited October 20, 2023 by Al-Malikah
grammar edit