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[LSRN] Port Authority Checkpoint In Front Of Your Toilet


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Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything.

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Port Authority Checkpoint In Front Of Your Toilet

 

BY MICHAEL ROTCH

 

 

Los Santos, SA - On 8th December 2021, you probably noticed several concrete blocks set in front of your bathroom door, along with a checkpoint and a barrier. As you tried to go and relieve yourself, the man inside the booth denied you access, explaining that you now have to justify your presence there - here is why.     

 

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Your bathroom, this morning

 

 

Thanks to the San Andreas Port Authority (SAPR), the LS port has now become a model in the entertainment industry. Indeed, the place used to be rather bland with trucking companies coming to load in pallets, or the occasional gangster attempting to flee the police. However, after a thorough market study, the SAPR realized they could not only compete with the famous Walt Disney Resorts, but take the entire entertainment park industry over.

 

Therefore the port has been turned into a much more entertaining area, laid with several attractions: surprise concrete blocks laid on the road, barriers too low for trucks to pass safely, or even randomly closed barriers that lock down any access to major bridges and paths. The great success of this endeavor was such that it was praised by all the logistics companies in San Andreas, the director of IMEX even describing it as « A metaverse-like experience, more intense than watching Blade Runner 2049 on meth with the TV contrast set to maximum ».

 

This success has led them to expand their activities with new blockades and checkpoints being set up in areas such as Banning and Rancho, or more recently, your bathroom. Indeed, from now on, should you need to relieve yourself, an SAPR checkpoint will have to be passed. In order to keep an element of surprise in your day, the checkpoint may be randomly and completely closed, thus making you go take that shit in your neighbor's toilet instead. 

 

While you may be furious about some specific points, rest assured those are already addressed! Regarding the narrow 0.4 feet passage that is left between the concrete blocks, SAPR management assured that « anyone of a reasonable weight and size can fit, with some effort », thus encouraging a healthier lifestyle. As for you finding it very annoying to have that mess in your corridor, they remarked that « only someone who walks WAY too fast and unsafely would say anything like that... ». So do you walk unsafely? Food for thoughts. 

 

You'd better ask yourself the right questions instead of blaming those making your apartment both funnier and safer. In the meantime, we will make sure to let you know how this develops: we're told another checkpoint with cameras will be set up in front of your computer soon enough. 

 

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The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles are should be taken as seriously as an MMA fighter who "definitely doesn't use stimulants". 

 

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Username: FreeEagle

Comment: Are you serious? Did they really do this? Who the fuck do they think they are to try and control when I do and don’t use my OWN TOILET… I knew they were the bottom of the barrel, but this is a new low. I’ll be protesting their actions here, I am fucking disgusted. Who funds these projects???

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