[LSVIXEN] Readers' Choice: Humane Lab Clones Running for Office!

[Al-Malikah]

 

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 Humane Lab Clones Running for Office!

 

 

 

It was a stormy day in May of 2020.

 

I was wearing all black, with a lacy veil and a large black hat dragging on a cigarette in a long black cigarette holder. I stood in the rain outside of the Humane Labs with my butler holding the umbrella ever so gently above me as I waited for the lanky man to approach; He had a scar across his right eye at the time and introduced himself as Doctor Charles Galloway. 

 

I was touring the facility under the guise of a wealthy inexplicably french Blaine County widow looking to remake my husband in flesh once-more.

 

"We can help you with that Miss Faux-nom, we have the technology. Allow me to show you" 

 

That is when he began the tour that would open my eyes to the truth. First we entered the high security area at Humane Labs, where they removed my veil, hat, and butler from my person. I never felt so naked. Then we proceeded through to the cloning labs and Galloway would stop at the first tube.

 

 

(An artists rendition of the Humane Labs Democratic HQ)

 

A prototype Abbasi-bot was flexing his rippling muscles in his clone-tube, you could see his lips moving but could not hear him speak. Just like in real life. 

Galloway clicked a small intercom and Abbasi's voice became audible, "-and peace and prosperity and success to this district and together and we will and rise and salaam alaikuMOTHERFUCKER!." Embarassed, Galloway cut the intercom off quickly and looked over at me sheepishly, "We're still working out a few bugs. Moving forward." 

'

We stopped at another half-formed politi-bot.

 

Galloway patted the tube lovingly, the half-formed politibot writhing inside.

"This is a very popular model. We're going to just give this one a quick copy and paste for the final three politicians, they can just rattle on about this and that for hours without really saying anything that'd strain their CPU." 
 

I did not know then but I was looking at the prototypical base for what would become Khan-bot, Singh-bot and Orosco Mark II. You could already see the half-formed prototype practicing decisive hand gestures to use during tepid speeches. 

As the tour ended, I pressed Galloway for more information while still maintaining my deep cover.

 

"But Monsieur Galloway, how shall you reign victorious with these... newly formed clones!"

 

"Miss Faux-nom, our plan is simple! All we must do is place these clone-candidates onto a stage and give them some randomnly generated speech. Our strategy is summed up by the assumption that if we stick anyone with a heartbeat into the positions, folks will just end up voting Democratic by default. It's a winning strategy!"

 

"Yet you still have no clone for the West District!"

 

He visible panics, counting out on his fingers the clones, and then shaking his head. 

 

"Damn, you are absolutely correct Miss Faux-nom, I must have been focusing on- Give me a moment, I'll call for takeout. I'm afraid you must leave now Miss Faux-nom, we must prepare for the election!"

 

He took his cellular phone out and placed a call which I overheard in part as I was escorted away by shirtless muscular security clones.

 

"Hi, I'd like to place an order for delivery. Yes. One 'Tanya Sun' please and if you could just add every single Korean voter on the side, that'd be great. Don't forget the extra gochujang."

 

 

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LS Vixen (bitch ass) Disclaimer

The LS Vixen is a satire, parody, commentary, critique, news reporting and scholarly web publication, which may or may not use actual names often in quasi-real and/or fictitious narration. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians, celebrities and/or other personalities that are critiqued and/or commented upon, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.

 

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Edited September 17, 2020 by Al-Malikah

[hillievonb]

Username: smarias86

Comment: Conservative humor isn't funny and never has been, so I'm glad to see someone continue to uphold that proud tradition. I salute you.

[MrValencia]

Username: George Valencia

Comment: lol, this was actually quite hilarious and well done. It seems that I was the only Democratic candidate not mentioned so I'll take it as a compliment. This was pure GOLD so I definitely applaud you on the creativity!

[SunFun]

Username: RisingSun
Comment: Can I just say, Humane Labs did an outstanding job on me.
Also, damn it, now I really want gochujang... ?