[LSVIXEN] In My Sights: Cover Charges

[Al-Malikah]

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In My Sights: Cover Charges

 

So I was spending a usual night bar-hopping and trying not to send flirty texts to both my parole officer, my ex, and my daytime psychologist (they're all fairly hot and hotter when I'm buzzed) and I realized around the fourth nightclub that something was getting in the way of my dreams. Something was blocking my ability to enjoy the night. Something was infringing on MY pursuit of happiness and creating a barrier to getting ass-fuckingly, pants-wettingly, phone-weepingly wasted in public AND was going to inevitably cut my night off early. It was the fucking COVER CHARGES. 

At first I blamed the vague entity that is capitalism because that's def my drunk go-to... but then I thought... wait... it could just be assholes in every day life and I could just yell directly at them from this Internet Cafe in Little Seoul! The enemy could actually have a face! So I'm going to break it down here why Cover Charges are fucking stupid and why it's fucked up for everyone involved.

 

 You're stealing from the bartenders and strippers.

 

So like, when I go to a titty bar to like support my fellow female dance enthusiasts... I want to throw large stacks of money DIRECTLY AT THEIR BREASTS. When I go to a bar with a really good bartenders I want to throw large stacks of money DIRECTLY AT THEIR BREASTS (male or female). By having me pay six hundred dollars at the door, you're taking the money that I would have otherwise THROWN DIRECTLY AT THEIR BREASTS and putting it in some scowling man's pocket. If he at least showed a little titty it would make sense but they frequently do not and they do not enjoy when I ask them to give me a little bang for my buck. MOVING FORWARD!

 

It's a fucking buzzkill.

 

Nothing like meticulously coordinating an outfit, assembling a sturdy Trojan horse for your many mental illnesses, and waiting all day doing some menial job only to have the momentum of fun and chaos interrupted by a panicked night time run to the ATM. Plus when I'm on a date, I want the dude spending money on ME not like... some rando dude in sunglasses who yells at you if you park directly onto the sidewalk. If you're going to be assholes and extort us at the door you could AT LEAST put an ATM on premises. That's like... basic science. 

 

You're creating an elitist atmosphere and that's fucking lame.

 

So I have a bit of money. I deal with rich people like... all day. If I wanted to inhale the ass-fumes of the 1% at night, I'd chum it up at the GWC Country Club. When you put forward 'standards' that exclude large swathes of the population, you make a place incredibly homogeneous. AKA. Lots of white people. Lots of wealthy people. Not a lot of diverse experiences. Not a lot of people with unique and interesting felony charges who are weirdly interesting in telling you all about them in their car out back. 

 

Just pay the damn security company.

Look. I'm not here to start like a war with security companies. I'm just saying that these dudes need to paid up front and not bug people at the door. They can still frisk. God, they really can. For hours. In public or private. They can even wand me if they want. But I'll be damned if I pay for that privilege and honestly it just like super sucks to get cute to go someplace and then BAM! Half your money is gone, you're drinking a Long Island to recover from the financial blow, and you wake up half naked in a Denny's parking lot the next morning all because of that damned cover charge. The security companies don't want that. None of the guests want that. The strippers don't want that. The Denny's doesn't want that (according to the Cease and Desist they sent me at least). 

 

Anyway, this rant has gone on way too long. Expect a spicy one next time all about the FLACCID FUCKING POLITICIANS of Los fucking Santos. Send in your hottest political gossip and have it featured in the next article! The theme is "Overheard in LS Political Circles."

 

 

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Edited September 14, 2020 by Al-Malikah
grammar n such