LSRN

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. Fire Marshalls Seizing Your Car Just Because BY DREW PEACOCK Los Santos, SA - On 15th March 2022, the Fire Marshalls put a padlock on your car, to then later seize it. It's all your fault, you should have done things. Those things were not indicated anywhere? Still your fault. What a lack of initiative. Disappointing. They'll arrest you now. That's what you get. Your car, yesterday afternoon The department of State Fire Marshalls had been rather active, lately. They recently locked down and closed the Mountain MMA Gym club for « some reason » according to mister Sherman, assistant Chief Fire Marshall. They then went after protesting students « because idk man » still according to their representative. And now, they're coming for your car. The reasons are multiple, of course, and perfectly legitimate. First of all, you once lit a lighter inside the car. A lighter produces fire, which makes it Fire Marshall business. You should have known better. Then, even if you hadn't? The car has a combustion engine. And as you may know: combustion involves fire. Therefore, the car is officially Fire Marshall business too. Now of course, this could have been fine, but you haven't been careful. It's not written anywhere in the Fire Code, but it's still mandatory to have at least three (3) sprinklers inside a car, as well as two (2) extinguishers: one with ABC powder and one with Carbon dioxide. Instead, all they found in your trunk was a deflated spare wheel, and your collection of toe nails, gathered over the last 12 years for personal use. No fire alarm was found. To make the matter worse, even though it's not indicated anywhere, you had to file for a $4,000 Vehicle Fire Inspection. Did you? Of course not. You should have informed yourself better. « The information is definitely available, in like, some place I think », assistant Chief Sherman remarked when we brought this case to him. And you didn't look somewhere. Unfortunately for you, the car might not be the end. The State Fire Marshalls are currently considering re-establishing the death penalty for offenders. « Well, no, no law allows us to do that, but have you looked at us? Since when has that ever stopped us? » the assistant Chief then inquired, justly so. Therefore, your fate will be decided by the entire department, in a game of Twister that will take place next week. You should have been more careful, now that's what happens. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as a fire inspection. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/227143 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. No Hot Dog-Free Items at "Hot Dog House": our Review BY JACK EULATION Los Santos, SA - On 2nd March 2022, our expert reviewer team, Joe, Jack and Averell, went to test the new Hot Dog House shop, that recently opened on Del Perro Boulevard. The experience quickly turned sour, as it was quickly revealed that they would make no effort to cater to specific tastes and needs. Our grade for the Hot Dog House LOCATION AND WELCOMING EXPERIENCE It was not going to work well. While our team tries to keep an open mind at all times, the first impression was very poor. The so-called Hot Dog "House" was indeed not in a house, but was instead a Hot Dog stand, on the edge of Del Perro Boulevard, not far from the Pier. Why would a man decide to lie in such a manner to his honest customers is a question to which we have no answers, as of today. When we approached, the owner appeared very confused at our appearance, and this is where it got even worse. The man asked how he could help us, while watching Averell's legs. When asked why this insistence, he replied that "I'm not used to seeing people in their briefs out in the streets sir, sorry!". Well, how about you get out more and see some life? Vey close-minded, as if going around town with no pants was something new and exceptional... this racism against pants-free people was appalling and definitly ruined our experience. We felt extremely unwelcome by this small-minded pitiful peon. 0/10 SERVICE The food was not going to get any better. We asked for rather simple things: a baguette sandwich, with no hot dogs, a surprise filling of his choice made of cold italian cuts, and kerala cottonflower sauce. The man looked confused, and he dared reply to us that he "only has hot dogs for now, sir...". He then started calling a few people, attempting to collect the ingredients we asked for, which is just horrible service. He did not have what WE wanted RIGHT NOW. His efforts were useless. In addition, six men arrived behind us. While the owner was trying to collect the common ingredients we demanded (simple Guanciale di Cinta Senese and Paciotti Salumeria Prosciutto), he OF COURSE stopped preparing his "hot dogs", which caused a long waiting time. What a bad organization! The poor men behind us, who were probably warm because their heads were all shaved, started getting impatient - as they should. They barely started pointing their knives at him and calling him a [Redacted] of his [Redacted] with [Redacted] who's gonna [Redacted] his [Redacted] and a [Redacted] in a fish bowl, that he called the police! Of all things! Feeling threatened by bald people with knives and swastika tattoos is clearly unreasonable and goes against their freedom of speech. We cannot stand for this. 0/10 FOOD After the simple cold cuts we required arrived, it took him an additional TWO minutes to make the sandwiches we required. And there it happened... the kerala cotton flower had NOT been freshly picked off the Kochi countryside. It was no use lying, we could just taste it. Everything was good to throw to the trash, along with this miserable excuse for a "house". At the time of writing, our team is considering starting legal action against the owner. In addition to that, we specifically demanded "Hot Dog Free" food, and in spite of this, there was a faint bit of hot dog cooking water on Joe's sandwich. Had one of us been allergic to hot dogs, it would have been an instant death sentence. The man is a murderer, a scoundrel, and a wretched, pathetic drudge. 0/10 CONCLUSION The Hot Dog House does not serve proper hot dog-free items, does not have common cold cuts from Rome on hand, rejects neo-nazis armed with knives, and does not hand-pick kerala cottonflower for sauces. This experience was miserable, just as this man's life will be once we send him our lawyers. 0/10 The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as celery, the only food item that takes more calories to digest than it provides. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/222361 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Username: LSRN Redaction Comment: Greetings, and thank you for your comment! We would like to also thank you for your concern regarding Luke, our journalist. Thankfully, he was not attacked, recently or otherwise. As any proper journalist does, he never gets out of his high-rise apartment in upper Vinewood, not even for groceries - those are delivered. We'd like to assert that, as a consequence, there isn't a chance he would ever be in danger, or exposed to real life in any way or form. Best regards,

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. New Crime Dollar Store in Vespucci Boosts Local Economy BY LUCAS ATMYAS Los Santos, SA - On 18h February 2022, local officials and residents of Vespucci celebrated the opening of a brand new shop: the Crime Dollar Store. After being plagued by one-dollar crime, the neighborhood will now enjoy a new way to convert those illegal activites into legitimate revenue with this smart and original concept. A Dollar Store attracting customers Andrew and Frank grew up in Vespucci. Called "Dogtown" by locals attempting to sound edgy or intimidating, the neighborhood has long been plagued by crime. « Many people call Vespucci the Dollar Store of Crime » explained Frank, because of how miserable the crime there is. « Crappy neo-nazis, 12 year old gangster parodies, bullies that wouldn't even belong in satire, ... are all commonplace in Vespucci. » he then elaborated, before explaining his breakthrough, the one that would allow this store to be born. « But we're Americans and America is all about opportunities! Where others saw a fatality and believed Vespucci would remain a stale place with worthless gangsters, we saw an occasion to thrive! ». And so was born the idea of the Crime Dollar Store. Opened this morning, it already boasted hundreds of customers from various walks of life, providing a broad assortment of articles at a very low price. The store sold 1-dollar ash composite baseball bats, for those who want to look intimidating but wouldn't know how to fight anyway. It sold 1-dollar hair clippers, for the many 1-dollar neo-fascists prowling the streets. It sold 1-dollar double-wheat trilby hats for low-quality mafiosi who like to hang in back alleys doing nothing. The store went as far as to cater to a younger clientele, offering "DOGTOWN IS OURS!" T-shirts that can be worn as early as 12 years old! Along with the 1-dollar MAC 10 bullets and the 1-dollar kuttes, the store speaks to anyone living in the beach neighborhood. Officials were delighted at the addition of this new business, calling it a « brilliant initiative » that can convert illegal interests into proper legitimate revenue, for the few honest citizens who still live there and are still alive. Proof of this success, the owners were robbed four times already, a sign that business is going to be thriving. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as anyone in Vespucci. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/218171 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. LSNN Gives Apology, Foot Massage & Coil Raidens to Police BY RICHARD CHEESE Los Santos, SA - On 4h January 2022, after a most unfortunate incident on live TV on LSNN, the TV channel has finally issued an official statement. As an apology for the words uttered by Miss Anna Smith on the 31st of January, every single police, sheriff, fire marshall and park ranger will receive an official apology, a foot massage, and a Coil™ Raiden. Miss Saunders giving our peace keepers their well-earned apology (allegory) Words that didn't go unnoticed: this is what started this dreadful and dramatic event. During a routine interview on LSNN Sports, IFC Champion Jackson Hayes was asked by miss Anna Smith why he was late to a previous fight. The explanation was rather absurd: he stated he was arrested by the State Fire Marshalls, allegedly for impersonating them, in a boxing club Mister Hayes didn't even know existed in the first place. The fact that he was arrested without cause and denied some of his miranda rights prompted the presenter to make a most unwelcome comment, about fascism. This was the spark that created a massive fire of outrage across the entire LSNN show floor and redaction. « Listen, I can accept jailing people for no reason, but I draw the line at nasty words! » one of the LSNN journalists remarked with a wet eye and a trembling mouth. They all knew something had to be done, and switly so. This message reached LSNN main host and wax doll, Carry Saunders, who quickly took to the air in order to issue a public apology. A few days later, an official LSNN statement came in, adding in a foot massage for every single law enforcement officer in San Andreas, along with a brand new Coil™ Raiden car. « I feel this is the least we could do, » explained miss Saunders who was kind enough to reply to our inquiries, between two canthoplasties. « Those are the most manly men in the entire state, they could never survive something like harsh words uttered by a random woman they don't know! We have to protect them as if they were made of glass, because of how muscly and strong they are. » she then concluded. In the absence of any official communication from the LSPD or LSSD, we approached them, asking for their input on the situation. « They said what now...? I mean we get called a lot worse around South Central all day long, who gives a shit... especially after the riots, we got better things to do than be pissed at a rando on a sports channel nobody watches. » a representative stated for us, off the record. « Also who the fuck is Anna Smith anyway? » he then wondered, showing how much this incident profoundly scarred the entire police force. Thankfully, the delivery of the cars and massages should come within the next 14 days, calming this fully understandable ire. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as randos on TV. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/213617 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. First Charleston Apartment Sold For $3.7 million BY PHILLIP ENIS Los Santos, SA - On 30th January 2022, the first second-hand sale of a Charleston Street apartment happened. It was celebrated as a moment of boom in the economy, the area gaining in value considerably in just a single day, thanks to a keen businessman. The public authorities, congratulating themselves after this wonderful gain in value South Central Los Santos has seen the dramatic effects of the crisis, more than most people. Of course, by "the crisis" we mean all of the 61 various crises that the economy has gone through in the last 20 years. While many people saw their wages decrease, cost of life increase, and of course rent skyrocket, South Central has been served the worst when it comes to basic cost of decent living. However, thankfully, the Los Santos authorities have taken note, and started building a nice, modern, but cheap living project in Charlestown Street. And today, Joey V. is celebrating this: he just bought one of those apartments from the City Government, and managed to sell it at an amazing profit! Buy for a mere 50,000 and sell for 3.7 million dollars! This is what America was built for: added value. Thanks to him, a single apartment in the Charlestown project gained a whopping 74,000% value! When asked whether this was really ethical, Joey remarked: « This is a demand and offer market. Should we hand out something as luxurious as a roof to kids living in nefarious conditions? Nah, mane, they're like everyone else. High demand means high cost. No handouts, it's not moral. » he then concluded in a wonderful show of economic acumen. Jayvon F., a local denizen, noted: « I mean we all knew what was gonna happen... Same as Forum Drive. It's life. » he finished, showing a wonderful resignation to what will be his entire future. Thanks to this sale, Charlestown Street is now considered one of the most valuable areas in Los Santos. The mayor agreed to comment on this impressive success, noting: « Goal reached! What was seen as a let-down and undesireable area of the state is now one of the most expensive. Gentrification successful, our job here is done! ». As for mister Joey V., he now has his sights set on a house in Paleto Bay. He knows it will be up for sale soon, and he's quite certain it could go for at least 2.1 million. A display of businessmanship we can all celebrate, and an example for the community! The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as the free market of ideas. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/212161 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. Man Loses All Sense of Self After Turning 18 BY ROBIN BANKS Los Santos, SA - On 9th January 2022, young Frank Devon turned 18 years old. While some may see it as a cause for celebration and a great excuse to be happy, Frank has a very different experience: his turning 18 has indeed erased his entire identity, leaving him astray in a nonsensical world. Frank may not even be able to use his trusty bicycle anymore, now that he's a major. While most people enjoy their birthdays, Frank does not. Far from seeing it as an opportunity to vote, to engage in different work opportunities, or to go to college, he instead sees it as a deep and terrifying pit of despair. Indeed, Frank's entire identity always revolved around one single fact: being a minor. The birthday party, as a consequence, was bleak: his parents were present as often as they usually are, which is not at all, leaving the room empty, just like his empty husk of a soul. Not a single friend even attended, which struck us as odd: indeed, Frank was in touch with dozens of people around his neighborhood and in fact, was involved in serious gang activity. When approached, his friend Devon said: « I like Frank, for real. He a good kid. But that's the thing. Kid. Now at ain't a kid no more. So he can't be involved with us. That's how it be. ». While this might sound surprising, there is in fact a reason to this madness. Indeed, his other friend Jace, a high-ranking member of the 30s Rolling Blood Street Grove Kappas Fire Online, accepted to elaborate further: « It's how life is. If you're over 18 you can't be part of the community. You become, like you know, physically unable to exist. You can't do anything no more. Me, I'm almost 18 too. And I know I'll have to retire soon as I hit my Bday. Everyone knows it. It's the rule here. ». When asked whether the gang attempted to emulate Little Lamplight, he had no further comment to add. Frank, however, cannot accept this state of facts. He even went further as to claim this ruling could mean the end of the 30s Rolling Blood Street Grove Kappas Fire Online: « Most of the OGs like me are either 18 or turning 18! In less than 6 months we'll have nobody left, just a couple of new kids we got in, what are they gonna do? Let the whole neighborhood die 'cause of some old rule? Man this shit unfair. » he concluded. We casually asked around the area how old the members of the gang were, and most of them are indeed turning 18 within the next few months, which threatens the very existence of the community. Jocelyn Ingram, deputy chief of police, explained: « This is why we're investing less and less police resources in South Central. As time passes, and with the demographic crunch, more kids will turn 18 than new kids will be born. This means that within the next five years, all gangs in South Central will have essentially disappeared, as all of them follow this same ruling. ». This cold, but impressive thinking, does leave aside the human element. Indeed: now, Frank is but a shadow of himself. All the things he could do as a minor are now unattainable, the young man contemplating the worst alternatives, such as becoming a trader or moving to Portland, Oregon. Will he manage to restore his sense of identity? Nothing is less certain, but we hope he finds his path. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as your racist uncle's political hot takes. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/205976 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Username: LSRN Redaction Comment: Greetings and thank you for your comment! We wished to remark that the picture does represent miss Gardiner. It is not taken from the legal texts, it does instead represent her. We hope this sheds light on your interrogations and makes everything a lot clearer. Thank you for reading us. Best regards,

Username: LSRN Redaction Comment: Greetings and thank you for your comment! We wished to remark that the picture indeed does not represent miss Gardiner. It is instead taken from the legal texts, and represents the highest allowed level of hotness, for a female employee - anything above this will immediately make her legally incompetent. Thank you for reading us. Best regards,

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. Female Government Official Too Hot To Be Competent BY JACK POTT Los Santos, SA - On 5th January 2022, one commenter on FaceBrowser remarked something major about a government official. While it may have slipped past the attention of dozens of elected officials over the years, it turns out that one specific woman is way too hot to be competent. Pictured above: maximum legal level of hotness for a female employee to remain competent. The news hit like a sledgehammer. Out of nowhere, in what would have been an otherwise unremarkable status update, a very accurate comment brought something to everyone's attention. Indeed, miss Jenna Gardiner of the LS Government is way too hot to be competent - the two being absolutely incompatible. « no wonder ls goes fucking downhill » the poster started, in a very strong opening statement. « Its looks like they hired Prestige models as employees. » they then continued, in reference to the Prestige model agency that publishes random pictures and ads every few months. Finally, they concluded with a powerful « Dumb as rocks models » to conclude that vigorous proclamation. This acute workplace analyst is indeed right: miss Gardiner is currently not in compliance with San Andreas law, that states that any female employee above a certain level of hotness may not be considered competent in any given domain. Therefore, her employment in the LS Government endangers the city, the state, and possibly the entire American legal system. At the time of writing, the department of transportation and the city attorney are considering several options, including dismissing her, putting her employment on hold until she's considered reasonably unattractive, or disfiguring her with a bandsaw. We of course contacted the scandalized people, as they didn't seem to find attractive men to be incompetent, but the opposite: they indeed seemed to be impressed by, and admirative of, men who could be business owners, while keeping a high level of attractiveness. We will of course update this article, if they come back to us and explain the discrepancy. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as FaceBrowser HR Managers. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/204856 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Username: LSRN Redaction Comment: Hello, and happy new year! In the interest of job preservation for our journalists, and of maintaining a strong economy, we would kindly ask our readers to stop posting such comments. Indeed, those make our job even more redundant than it already is. If you keep being even more of a parody than we could imagine, what are we going to do? Are you trying to close American businesses? Of course not: that would be unpatriotic. Thank you for your kind consideration, for protecting honest capitalist jobs, and a happy new year to everyone (almost)!

Username: LSRN Redaction Comment: We also would like to finish with this quote from Molly Ivins: "Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful". Have a wonderful end of 2021, and a lovely 2022!

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. Happy New Year Everyone Except Seo-Hee Min! BY RICHARD SEAMAN Los Santos, SA - On 31st December 2021, it's the last day of the year! An eventful one at that, and we wanted to wish all of our readers, and all the citizens of Los Santos, a happy new year! But except Seo-Hee Min, because fuck man, no way. Not happy new year to you. The end of year is going to be a wonderful moment, we hope: a celebration in Del Perro, friends and families finding each other and exchanging germs, and of course our favorite, enjoying a cheap bottle of whiskey while hoping it will be over soon, the soft embrace of death freeing us from this daily struggle. Well, we hope it will be wonderful, except of course for Seo-Hee Min! She has indeed been the topic of much controversy - the private business owner from South Korea being put under a less-than-delightful light. As many have proven elegantly, the woman is indeed a communist. Our in-house historians have deeply studied Karl Marx's Capital and found out that in fact, yes, the end project of any communist state is to make profit and strengthen private property. How dare she? Not allowing her private property to be used along with firearms is definitely not something we stand for, in America. TRUE Americans let everyone use their private property, they share it with everyone, and they don't partake in profit-seeking! And how dare she only submit female names, per maritime tradition, for her boat? Snubbing Desmond Brown is just intolerable - regardless of the plans to have a boat named after him specifically! Our colleagues at the LS Post hit the nail on the head: this limitation to female names is unamerican. Plus, snubbing a black man? We can only salute the LS Post's Black Lives Matter stance here, by defending Brown's legacy. They strongly express that a true American should be a woke, pro-gender equality person, and we can only agree! No to Min's conservatism! To add insult to injury? She decided to make her own choice, by using her own money to reject another company's services. This shocking behavior is very clearly anti-american, and once more: personal business choices are communism, nothing more. It is quite obvious she's coming from a foreign country, the poor woman not understanding that a true, proper American will always accept the choice that is imposed on him! As the LS Post eloquently laid out, government regulation and limitation of business choice are definitely the most American things we can hope for. She stands for profit-seeking, for private property, for free business choices, ... Is this someone to whom we wish a happy new year? I think not! Thankfully, our journalist brethren and opinion influencers have come to remind everyone of what they stand for. Non-profit enterprises, public property, more regulation, and more gender equality. THIS here is true American capitalism! For that we salute them, wish them a happy new year, and hope they will keep spreading this definitely-not-communist message further. Happy new year, San Andreas! Except Seo-Hee Min. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as an online comment. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/203043 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. Jail time for the Man who Said "See You Next Year!" BY CHRIS PAUL BACON Los Santos, SA - On 28th December 2021, the sentencing hearing at the Los Santos courthouse was finished. Hon. judge Clark Brown slung the hammer of justice, giving the man who said "see you next year!" nine years in prison at the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, with no parole. The man, a few seconds after making the joke, not realizing a sheriff deputy was present The scene was nothing out of the ordinary. During a standard business meeting, just mere hours before the office closed for the holidays, the manager let everyone leave work a little earlier than usual. It sounded like it was going to be a great moment: heading home early, spend time with loved ones, enjoying a few days off before New Year's Eve with friends and family... But out of nowhere, scandal and horror struck. With a foul amused smile, and in the middle of a malevolent cackle, the man suddenly said "See you guys next year!!". Silence struck, a heavy blanket of angst suddenly smothering everyone present. One of those in the meeting decided to act, not letting the deep dread take him. Indeed, Joey Colson was a volunteer sheriff's deputy and as such, was allowed to perform arrests - which he did, on the spot, putting the man in cuffs and immediately delivering him to the Los Santos Police Department. After just a day, a jury of his peers found him guilty of going against article 420A-F of the San Andreas Criminal Code: none shall make criminally dangerous jokes, such as but limited to, "Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!", "What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh." and of course "See you next year!" while near the end of a calendar year. It was no surprise to see the judge show absolutely no leniency in his sentencing, sending the man to prison immediately for nine years with no possibility of parole. As harsh as it might sound, the judge meant to make an example out of the man - indeed, such events are tragically common, and we can only hope this strong stance will deter future criminals from engaging in such dangerous and demeaning endeavors, especially in their place of work. We believed this was an opportunity to remind you to avoid such behavior, in the next days, and to report any offender to the police. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as the fire marshalls. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/201990 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. Buy Your Own Place: Our 2022 Guide BY HARRY BALZAC Los Santos, SA - On 22nd December 2021, we've decided to veer off the normal course of news and help you realize your dream: buy your own home. How can you find it? How can you accumulate the 6 or 7 millions required for that nice 21 square feet apartment on Forum Drive? Follow the guide! A lovely condo, has the charm of the old, well worth the 300k buyout Buying a home of your own is many people's dreams. In spite of that, most surveys in the last 20 years showed that most of those born after 1985 have grown increasingly dissilusioned, an overwhelming majority believing they will never be able to afford the house of their dreams. But don't let 20 years of random economic crisis, and of income gap growth, kill your dreams! We, at LSRN, are here for you with our 2022 Home Acquisition Guide. The first thing to do is find an objective. Where and how do you want to live? If you earn the median San Andreas income, you can hope to buy an Eclipse Tower apartment, or a trailer in Sandy Shores. There are many options and, as a consequence, knowing which is the right one will be a key part of your research process. Make sure to ask yourself the right questions: where do I see myself in 20 years? Do I want children? How many stray bullets shot through my window am I ok with, every week? The next step is to put yourself in a right place, emotionally. Rash and blunt decisions are a house hunter's worst enemy! If being unable to find the house of your dreams draws your ire, it will be important to calm yourself down. Indeed, such a research can take up to 6 years. Reading a good book, listening to relaxing music, yoga, and meth, are the most common relaxing techniques advised by professionals. Finally, plan your budget ahead, and think outside of the box! You want that old run-down 7.5 million dollar house in Paleto Bay? It might be easier to buy a dozen apartments in Alta, and trade them for that house! You feel strongly tied to the community feel of Sandy Shores but it's a bit expensive for now? Give yourself objectives, and save money over time: if you manage to set $100 aside each month, you will only need 2.500 years to have the cash! Note that if you have children, you may also sell them to various networks. With only six children sold, you will have almost enough for a room at the Jamestown projects! As you can see, in 2022, everything will be possible. Set aside the pessimism of all you young generations, look ahead, and with a bit of preparation and forward thinking? You may just be able to buy that cupboard in Rancho! See you next year ✨ For more guides, please browse our collection with: [Surprise your Friends by Kidnapping them] [Learn C# with Winnie the Pooh] [Stopping Cigarettes, Thanks to Crack] [Seducing with Alcohol] [Starting Hip-Hop at 80 Years Old] The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as someone with a check mark on Facebrowser. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/199936 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. Sandy Shores To Be Turned Into State Park BY YURI NATE Sandy Shores, SA - On 18th December 2021, the San Andreas Park Rangers (SAPA) announced the news to the world: within 3 months, the town of Sandy Shores will be incorporated into the state park network. This means a lot of changes for the denizens of the coastal town, some of which we'll explain now. The welcome sign will soon be covered in vines to give the place a more parky and natural look After many months patrolling empty state parks and being blatantly bored, the San Andreas Park Rangers (SAPA) have finally reached an accord with the San Andreas Senate to fix this. As soon as March 2022, Sandy Shores will become a State Park, along with all its surroundings. Of course, this means all the normal rules applying to state parks would become law, some of which may be of interest for the lucky inhabitants of the desert township. The first part will be whether people will be allowed to live there or not. As recently showcased by the siege of the Tongvan reserve, no humans may be living within a state park. This means any and all current residents of the town will be given a total of six months to, as the Senate put it, "pack up their meth and leave". However, any resident will be able to keep living there, should they modify their citizenship and be instead legally seen as a wild animal such as a deer or a boar. While some have expressed concerns, the SAPA has been reassuring, guaranteeing that any person making that choice will remain fairly and decently protected by the Hunting & Fishing act. Regarding the main authority governing the area, it is well-known that the Sheriff's Department has been a long and well-known part of the Sandy Shores life. The SAPA were generous enough to give them a bit of time for the transition: at first, the SAPA and SD will share those responsibilities, with more and more being shifted to the SAPA over time. Should any disagreement occur on whether a situation should be handled by the SAPA or SD, a standard duel to the death will take place, with swords or pistols as the tradition dictates. The hope is that this new land will keep the SAPA occupied, and prevent them from barging into Sheriff business up in Paleto Bay. This decision, while positive, is however tainted by a few suspicions of corruption: it is indeed rumored, according to a source, that the San Andreas tourism office negotiated this in order to keep the SAPA busy, and stopping them from arresting random hikers who are going up Mount Chiliad. Should those rumors happen to be confirmed, we will of course let you know swiftly. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as someone driving a Futo with a ginormous spoiler. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/198897 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. 2022 State Budget Leaked [LSRN EXCLUSIVE] BY MICHAEL HUNT Los Santos, SA - On 15th December 2021, one of our many informants within the San Andreas State Senate sent us a document - one that should not have been revealed to the public yet, but one that we believe is important for the well-being and information of the citizens of the State. Therefore, in the wake of the publication of the October & November Spending Reports, we're proud to show you the 2022 State Budget. Budget committee members, congratulating themselves for a hard day's work After a strange year in 2021, 2022 is up to a good start - among other things, we now have in our possession the details 2022 State budget that is full of surprises. First of all, the departments of Labor and Education will be altogether removed. According to our inside source, « Their budget rarely exceeded $12 overall, and most of the time it was paid in chicken nuggets or coupons to play at Pete's Arcade. It cost more to do their accounting than to fund them, so the committee felt it better to get rid of those. ». From now on, the way children from less favored areas are educated will be done in a manner best described as "I mean like, I don't know man, figure it out". As for the department of Labor, it will not be much of a change for them, as the position was held by what appears to be a 4-feet tall plushie of a Stegosaurus, sitting before a desk. The plushie will be put out for auction in early January. Other departments however were more lucky in the way their budgets were managed. We can indeed see the Ports of San Andreas being (once again) moved up in the budgets, and the Senate is considering giving the Port Authority (SAPR) their own seat at the Senate. According to our inside source, « I mean, giving trade groups a seat at the Senate worked just fine in the Star Wars prelogy, so why not in San Andreas, y'know? ». The Courts and DA's Offices are also similarly blessed: The 2022 San Andreas budget in one pie chart The mission statement of this 2022 budget, in the documents we obtained, is to « Focus the State's budget into its core missions: put people in jail, and like, y'know, port stuff. ». This is achieved by drastically scaling down departments that bring less value and re-allocating the funds more strategically. It appears there have been debates, as to whether an Office of MMA should have been added, but the decision was to push the discussion back to mid-2022. Several candidates for the position of Commissioner of MMA have been considered, such as Garbon Meqvabishvili, Naoko Mitsukuri, or someone from the Port Authority (SAPR). This is but the first phase of a more general change and optimization of the State Budget. The long-term plans for 2023 and 2024 are to remove the last departments altogether, dividing the entire state budget between the Courts, the DA's office, and the Port. This would then lead to a longer-term plan to focus the state's entire economy around the port, and the courts. And a longer-longer-term plan, to divide the lands of San Andreas between a giant courtroom and a giant port, although those remain even longer-longer-longer term objectives. Should we obtain more details and clarifications from those documents, we will of course make sure to let you know. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as an ad for "escort services". Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/198012 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Username: LSRN redaction Comment: Greetings, and thank you for your comment! While we appreciate your thoughts, we would kindly ask that you refrain from disparaging the San Andreas Park RAngers (as known as SAPA). Indeed, the SAPA are providing an essential service to the entire community - the nature of which remains to be discovered. Thank you and please have a good day. Best regards,

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. Holy Shit Man, G6 Is Like, So Great!! [Not Sponsored At All] BY PHIL MCAVITY Los Santos, SA - On 11th December 2021, the truth dawned upon us all. Who, in town, is as amazing as a swiss cheese fondue in front of a warm hearth? Who, in Los Santos, is as beautiful and calming as a bowl of honey and milk, interpreted on a violin? Who, in San Andreas, is as much of an inspiring life example as Bill Cosby or Harvey Weinstein? That's right: it's none other than Gruppe Sechs® LLC! Picture kindly provided by Gruppe Sechs™ Limited Instead of our usual news articles, we believed today was the day to share. Time to share with our readers how admirative we are of Gruppe Sechs© Corp, our proud protectors and friends who make our lives better. Because more than just a security company, Gruppe Sechs®™GmbH is a daily source of inspiration. This magnificent poetry you thought of this morning? Gruppe Sechs»SARL had something to do with it. This amazing meal your partner made? Same goes. And it's time for us to pay our respects to those magnificent, uncontroversial people. In fact, they made the Los Santos Reliable Network exist in the first place. Without their kind participation, free press would not exist. They are as inspiring as a Chaucer poem declaimed while throwing up after a party, and we know the entire population of Los Santos agrees. The poll below showcases the deep erotic love every Los Santos denizen has for their green-clad guardians: 9 participants selected randomly through the "G6 fan club" Facebrowser group, multiple answers allowed As we can all see, Gruppe Sechsʡʣ Inc. is widely appreciated by essentially everyone, and whomever says anything wrong about them is clearly delirious, lying, or both, and should be put to death. Thankfully, putting those to death will be legal soon thanks to the upcoming "Plumbing and Electricity act" in the Senate, which will also re-establish the death penalty for a broader variety of reasons - including offending Gruppe SechsЂ Ltd. and their officers. We believed it was important to take a break from the more dramatic day to day events of Los Santos, and remind everyone of how fantastic G̸̡̹͉͍̺̭̻͙̥̩̠̮͈̞̽́̿͗̇̈̔̒̚͘̕͝ͅŗ̶̻̹̻̞̺͝ǘ̷̧̢̬̘̜͕͚̳͍̱̥͖̝͈̂͊̂p̷̜̗̮̫̪̯̻͊͋͂̉̌͊͒̋̓̽̈́ṕ̴̢̢̫̠͍̥͇̙̟̬̖̼̹̦̾͗̕e̷͈͍̳̥̖̺̞̚͝ ̸̼̥͔̻̪̭̗̤̰͇̩͕͓̈́̅͜ͅS̵̡̢̲͕̝̙̘͍͎͍͓̫̭̈́̅̅ę̸̡͔̜̣̖̖̰̜̖̙͚̺̖̱̾̎́̔ć̸̡͙̻̯̰̖̅̿̀̈́h̷̙̝̺̪̪̫̤͔̙̎̐̌̓͝s̴͓̫͚̪̰̠̑̎͆̂̓̽͒́̃̽̓̉̿̀ is to everyone around them. Their entering a room sends a message of joy, makes your breath minty and fresh, and convinces that girl to text you back. For that, to them we say: thank you. This message was definitely not sponsored The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles should be taken as seriously as the LS Post. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/196591 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Username: LSRN Redaction Comment: Greetings and thank you for your comment! We wished to confirm that SARP is indeed the port authority. As the name implies: San Andreas Port AuthoRity. Best regards,

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. Port Authority Checkpoint In Front Of Your Toilet BY MICHAEL ROTCH Los Santos, SA - On 8th December 2021, you probably noticed several concrete blocks set in front of your bathroom door, along with a checkpoint and a barrier. As you tried to go and relieve yourself, the man inside the booth denied you access, explaining that you now have to justify your presence there - here is why. Your bathroom, this morning Thanks to the San Andreas Port Authority (SAPR), the LS port has now become a model in the entertainment industry. Indeed, the place used to be rather bland with trucking companies coming to load in pallets, or the occasional gangster attempting to flee the police. However, after a thorough market study, the SAPR realized they could not only compete with the famous Walt Disney Resorts, but take the entire entertainment park industry over. Therefore the port has been turned into a much more entertaining area, laid with several attractions: surprise concrete blocks laid on the road, barriers too low for trucks to pass safely, or even randomly closed barriers that lock down any access to major bridges and paths. The great success of this endeavor was such that it was praised by all the logistics companies in San Andreas, the director of IMEX even describing it as « A metaverse-like experience, more intense than watching Blade Runner 2049 on meth with the TV contrast set to maximum ». This success has led them to expand their activities with new blockades and checkpoints being set up in areas such as Banning and Rancho, or more recently, your bathroom. Indeed, from now on, should you need to relieve yourself, an SAPR checkpoint will have to be passed. In order to keep an element of surprise in your day, the checkpoint may be randomly and completely closed, thus making you go take that shit in your neighbor's toilet instead. While you may be furious about some specific points, rest assured those are already addressed! Regarding the narrow 0.4 feet passage that is left between the concrete blocks, SAPR management assured that « anyone of a reasonable weight and size can fit, with some effort », thus encouraging a healthier lifestyle. As for you finding it very annoying to have that mess in your corridor, they remarked that « only someone who walks WAY too fast and unsafely would say anything like that... ». So do you walk unsafely? Food for thoughts. You'd better ask yourself the right questions instead of blaming those making your apartment both funnier and safer. In the meantime, we will make sure to let you know how this develops: we're told another checkpoint with cameras will be set up in front of your computer soon enough. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles are should be taken as seriously as an MMA fighter who "definitely doesn't use stimulants". Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/195647 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Username: LSRN redaction Comment: Correction: it is the United States CONGRESS, not Senate, that voted in the new bill. The article has been amended accordingly, we apologize for any inconvenience. We would hate to not give accurate and reliable information.

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. Anti-Loot Box Law Causes Turmoil in Senate BY HAL APENIO Los Santos, SA - On 4th December 2021, the United States Congress has voted in favor of a new law, aiming to regulate the abuses of the new online gambling business. One of the provisions, regulating loot boxes in particular, worries the San Andreas Senate, as loot boxes were their only source of new senators and officials. Most of those officials came out of a loot box Supposed to protect children from abusive gambling practices, the new law against loot boxes is now causing a major political crisis in San Andreas. For our readers who are unaware of the practice, "loot boxes" are random sets of virtual objects that a player can buy, in a video game. Those items can increase their power or give them access to new clothes, gestures, dances, and more such things. Many a consumer association has criticized those for a long time, as they are seen as a form of gambling aimed at younger consumers. This week, the United States Congress agreed, voting in favor of this new bill: it now only needs to be signed into law by the president of the United States. However, this new change will vastly perturbate the day-to-day works of the San Andreas Senate, as loot boxes were their only source of new officials. Quite a few citizens were surprised to see new senators appear, as if they had sprung from a hole in the ground like dwarves. It was never the case though, the governor buying a vast amount of loot boxes and giving their contents to the Democratic and Republican parties. They were then assigned to Senate seats, or director positions. This practice will no longer be viable once the law is signed, thus requiring a vast re-organization of the very way the government functions on its most basic level. For example, senators would have to actually actively engage in politics and in the media, connect with the people of San Andreas, and they may not even become a senator at all. Indeed, instead of being assigned to a Senate seat, they would need to actually be elected by actual individuals. What is seen as outrageous in the current situation - an elected senator? - would need to become the norm instead, vastly changing the political paradigm of the state. As a consequence, this also means senator Linn Rosenberg would be the last loot-box senator to be given a seat, the next ones needing to be voted in by the citizens of San Andreas. Our skilled journalists will of course observe the evolution of this situation, and keep you informed on the ways the SA Government will adapt to this new status-quo. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles are should be taken as seriously as a business saying they're "a family". Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/194329 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. Some shooting at some club BY SAMUEL SUNG Los Santos, SA - On 30th November 2021, the Los Santos Police Department had to intervene, after some shooting happened at some club. Some people were injured and some dead, in yet another of the many such incidents that surround the LS night life. Some picture of some place It was supposed to be a joyful evening of relaxation, it became a moment of pain and fear. Yesterday evening, some club was caught in some dispute, that led to some shooting. The culprits, who fled the scene mere minutes before the LSPD arrived, fought over some shit and decided to start a brawl over it. After words and punches were thrown, one of them decided to escalate and pull a firearm - one that he was of course not allowed to carry. According to the LSPD detectives, the alleged shooters are some guys who belong to some gang. Already involved in some shady shit, they had proven their propension for violence in a few similar occurrences, such as brawls at the Blue Lion MMA Gym. The owner of the club, some rich guy, mentioned that security was far from lacking - but that criminals can be hard to spot. They had only started the evening with sexist and homophobic remarks, which definitely isn't a giveaway, had some gang tags, which doesn't indicate any belonging to a gang, followed by attempting to not pay for their drinks, which was clearly not a bad sign. Following this incident, going to a club was escalated to the 3rd most dangerous activity in the United States, after licking power sockets and helicocktering in front of an MC clubhouse. It is indeed the 91st time some shooting happens at some club in San Andreas this week, many denizens of the state now deciding against going out to dance and preferring safer activities - such as chess, beetle fighting, or meth. We will make sure to keep you updated on the latest shooting as soon as the next one occurs - we're told the Zodiac is opening tonight, which should make it the 92nd shooting of the week. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles are should be taken as seriously as the LSFD lifeguards. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/193119 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment:

Los Santos Reliable Network - The information you need, when you don't need anything. King of the Ring semi-finalist disqualified for falsifying gym badge BY ROBERT AFETT Los Santos, SA - On 27th November 2021, the organizers of the King of the Ring tournament have announced the upcoming disqualification of one of their semi-finalists, who won on the ring this very Friday. The reason advanced: they needed to obtain badges from every gym in Los Santos, but allegedly used fakes ones instead. The eight gym leaders of Los Santos A most terrifying clamor is shaking the world of professional MMA in Los Santos, this Saturday. In a surprising communiqué, the Mountain Gym MMA announced that one of their semi-finalists is currently under investigation and may be disqualified for using fake gym badges. As a reminder, anyone wishing to participate in the King of the Ring tournament is supposed to acquire badges from the leaders of various gyms around Los Santos. However, several of them noted that one of yesterday's winners never even set foot in their gym. According to Bea of the Muscle Gym (fighter-type), it was the very first time she even set her eyes on the winner, and had no recollection of giving him a badge for his victory. The same bell rang at the South Central Boxing Club and Gym, whose leader Blaine (fire-type) confirmed there was no trace of the winner in their internal records. The leader of the Pacific Bluffs gym, Misty (water-type) echoed those same concerns, which prompted the Mountain MMA gym (rock-type) to start the investigation. For the time being, the rest of the tournament will be put on hold until some light can be shed on this alleged treachery. We will of course keep speaking to as many gym leaders as we can, and make sure only the true champion of Los Santos is allowed to fight against the rest of the Indigo League. The Los Santos Reliable Network (LSRN) is a dubious network of suspicious people, providing you with the most less reliable information around. Our articles are should be taken as seriously as a trader saying he never used cocaine in his life. Comment on FaceBrowser: https://face.gta.world/posts/192105 Comment on our website: > Comments are enabled Username: Comment: