[Paints News] Man, life really is unfair and I'm horny

[Topinambour]

 

Ongoing: life really can be a bitch, and I could use some sex right now

 

It's an ongoing issue, commonly expressed on social media. Man, life really is unfair sometimes, as evidenced by the witness accounts we received from several members of the Facebrowser community. « I wish it would give me a break, y'know? » one of them stated, although they declined giving further details when offered a helping hand. Luckily, a few *hugs* messages and memes seemed to have dramatically improved the situation, until the next similar post the following day.

 

Additionally, the most tried and tested seduction techniques seem to have a relatively mediocre success rate. « I tried sending DMs to random girls saying I wanted to empty myself in their mouths, it's a very legit technique and it should work. », declared a Facebrowser seducer. Sadly, it would appear their subtle attempts at romantic seduction ultimately failed, leaving them in a tight spot - and with a tight ballsack. And it's unfair, life sucks sometimes, damn.

 

 

But sometimes, you just go and have a shitty week, shit, it sucks. People can really be so ridiculous, it's like life is sending you a message sometimes. Could use someone to sit on my face or something, hit me up in DMs. You try hard, but it doesn't work because people don't care and act like idiots. And they claim they're cool, but at parties, they don't talk to noone but their friends, smh my head tbh honestly. 

 

Luckily, a lot is currently being invested in research and medical technologies, to solve such issues. In fact, a study was published in the Paints News Journal of Medicine (a very legitimate scientific source). After a long study conducted on over 25.000 subjects all across America, the researchers found out that the best solution is to « Just fucking deal with it, jesus fuckin' christ... ». When asked about the problem of not having some bitch to fuck, he noted: « How about you stop acting like a fuckin' creep first of all? Now get out of my lab. And put some fuckin'pants on! ». Of course we'll let you know as we learn more and as science keeps progressing.

 

 

Paints news is a news outlet, providing the most dubious information from the less reliable sources. Nothing we post should be taken as fact, unless you really have no critical sense. For more not-so-dependable information, do follow us on Facebrowser. We can't, however, make life fairer or get you laid.

[cookiejar]

Username: J. Brooks

Comment: Best news article I've seen in months. Really informative. 10/10 would read again.